Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot


July 2, 2003 Subscribe>>>	Subscribe to the Follies for FREE for content reserved exclusively for members! View Privacy Policy

Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!

A car chase, nudity, family, courtroom drama, moral values, political intrigue and a baby... what more could you want in a movie?

The problem is that this isn't a movie. It's real life gone awry.

A mother who was driving from Detroit to Pittsburgh is facing charges for breastfeeding her child while driving. That's right, she was breastfeeding her daughter WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING!

Officers pulled over Catherine Donkers on the Ohio turnpike in Portage County after a truck driver reported the mother to the Ohio Highway Patrol. It was initially believed the mother was from Michigan, but court documents indicate she lives near Pittsburgh. Officers tried to pull Donkers over, but they say she wouldn't stop until she got to a toll booth in Portage County. She offered an affidavit as identification and was cited for not having a license, police say.

Donkers, 29, doesn't think her actions were especially dangerous. "I think there are lots of things that we do where we put ourselves at risk, just by the very fact that I am in a car and there's lots of car accidents every single day. And I think it would be reasonable to say that even that's a danger," Donkers said.

Unbelievable!!! So little Junior's head is smooshed between her breast and the steering wheel, and NOT in an infant car seat. What did she think would happen if she had to slam on the brakes? I thought I'd seen them all, make-up while driving, reading, shaving, brushing teeth, polishing nails, etc. This is definitely a new one, twofold. What a "boob."

The mother stated that she fed the baby before she left Detroit, but that the 7-month-old was hungry again. "It's not like I'm trying to change a diaper while I'm driving. She pretty much just lays there on the pillow in my lap. I would certainly submit that talking on a cell phone causes far more distraction than nursing a child while she's just laying there."

Yeah, it's just like that... i would certainly equate cell phone usage and breastfeeding on the same distraction level. Of course other drivers don't have nearly as many accidents because they stare at cell phone users.

Donkers' husband, Brad Barnhill, agrees with her. "Most of the time, when she runs back and forth between here and her mom's place or here and her home, she stops at the rest stop to nurse," said Barnhill. "But that turns a five-hour trip into a seven-hour trip, and she had things to do. OK?"

OK? OK?!? Hell, no, it's not OK!!! The woman's husband, however, is trying to make a federal case out of it -- literally -- by claiming she is not the real defendant. He said he is. He made that claim, citing Mosaic law from the Old Testament and writings from the days of the Founding Fathers because of the couple's ``deeply held spiritual beliefs'' that the husband is "the sole head of the family'' and the only one who can punish the wife for a public act. He said he would go all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court to prove his position.

Hmm... Since when do you not have to obey a law because your husband told you something else? Imagine if every nut decided they didn't have to obey this law or that law because its against their religion!!! These fanatics make me wanna be an atheist... I swear to God.

"The situation here,'' Barnhill said during an interview last week, "is that, according to our faith, I'm the head of the household. I'm responsible for what she does, and no one can punish her except me. So if they want to punish somebody, let them punish me. I am the defendant. That's the way I have to do things under my faith. And if I fail in that duty, I'm going to hell. If they refuse to allow me the free exercise of my religion,'' he said, "then we're going to appeal this all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States and they're not going to be able to try her before then.''

Barnhill said his faith is rooted in The First Christian Fellowship for Eternal Sovereignty, an organization founded in the late 1990s, according to information on its Web site. The founder was a man named Christopher Hansen. The Web site, which bears the heading Patriot Saints for the Kingdom of God on Earth, says the fellowship's headquarters is in Henderson, NV. Hansen says on the Web site that the fellowship's main objective is to convert and educate sovereign Americans "to demand and defend their God given rights and fulfill their duties as freedom loving Christians against the encroachment of the Beast and his agents.'' Hansen identifies the Beast as the federal government and some of its agents as the IRS, Social Security Administration, Environmental Protection Agency and the Drug Enforcement Administration.

Uh, sure... ok. And the spaceship will be here to pick everyone up in a few days.

Sean P. Scahill, the prosecutor in charge of the case, filed the charges on June 5 after receiving the completed highway patrol investigation. And now he, too, has become a defendant in the case -- according to Barnhill. The additional charges, Barnhill said, were made in "bad faith'' and with an intent to "intimidate'' him and his wife. Barnhill said he will remedy that during his next court appearance by making a citizen's arrest on Scahill. "If the people do not hold public officials responsible for their actions,'' Barnhill said, who will?''

In addition to the endangering charge, Donkers is accused of child seat violations. Donkers said she was wearing a seatbelt because she would have "been a fool not to," but she did not restrain her baby because "it's lawful to nurse my child while I'm driving. It's not like she's sitting on the floor mat for a seven-hour drive."

The woman claims she did nothing wrong and cites Michigan law that exempts nursing mothers from its child restraint laws. WKYC-TV said the woman has done research on the law and claims that since the turnpike is an interstate, drivers can follow the laws of their home state. So, Michigan allows driving without a license??? Besides, although there seemed to be some confusion in the beginning on her part as to her state of residency, it was later shown that she is a PENNSYLVANIA resident! She can't arbitrarily decide to use Michigan laws to support any defense she thinks she has! My guess is that she is actually not from Michigan nor from Pennsylvania, but, rather, actually lives in a perpetual state of confusion and delusion.

The Ohio Highway Patrol said the woman should have abided by the state's laws while driving there. Donkers said she'll fight all the charges against her. She was arrested for not having a driver's license, a first-degree misdemeanor; failing to use a child restraint device, a minor misdemeanor; and obstructing official business, a second-degree misdemeanor, according to the patrol. She was later charged with child endangerment.

Donkers is scheduled for an Aug. 6 court appearance in Portage County, Ohio. I'll keep you posted.

La Lechely,

Some folks take their bicycle racing VERY seriously. Check out this hilarious clip as a spectator takes the matter of a cheating rider into, er, his own hands!

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure."

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children."
~Jonathan Katz

"I don't have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and a half. I have a little too much time on my ass."
~Wendy Liebman

"The most precious thing I have in my life is my marriage and my children and now someone is trying to destroy the harmony in my family. This is not going to happen."
~Ozzy Osbourne, after a woman claimed he fathered her six-year-old child even though he had a vasectomy 17 years ago.

Bag of Chips Contains More Than Munchies

DES MOINES, Iowa - A woman bought a bag of potato chips at a convenience store but discovered more than munchies in the bag.

Lois Campbell, 42, of Des Moines, opened the small sack of Uncle Ray's garlic-flavored chips Saturday and found another bag inside.

"We were eating a few of the chips, and I was about to give some to a 3-year-old child," Campbell said. "I thought it was a little bag of seasoning inside. When I saw what it was, I called the police."

A police report said the contents of the heat-sealed bag smelled like marijuana.

The leafy substance — and the chips — were seized as evidence.

The Git-N-Go store where Campbell bought the snacks has taken the rest of the Uncle Ray's chips off its shelves, said Mandi Lockridge.

The chips were packaged in Detroit, Lockridge said.

"To find out what was in there, they will have trace it back to Detroit," she said.

[Great marketing gimmick... If they supply the munchies, they might as well help create the demand.]

Do you know how tough it is being a man?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you aren't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!

I met a guy on the golf course who played to scratch using nothing more than a large weight on the end of broom handle for everywhere except the green, and an old umbrella for putting. On the nineteenth, I told him how impressed I was.

"I guess it's because I'm a genius" he replied casually. "I find things so easy that I have to make everything more difficult, Snooker for example," he continued, "I play with a rubber bung stuck on the end of a metal pole twisted like a corkscrew. I could still beat Steve Davis with one hand tied behind my back. I have to make it difficult, or I get bored.

"Or rifle shooting," he went on. "I've taken the sights off the gun, hold it one handed [left hand even though I'm right handed] sight with my right eye [even though the gun's in my left hand] and stand on one leg while the rest lie prone to hold the weapon stable. Even then, I could win easily whenever I want. Nothing's any fun unless I can make it into a challenge."

I was impressed. "Got any kids?" I inquired.

"Yes," he replied. "And before you ask... Standing up in a hammock."

Leonard Nimoy Should Eat More Salsa

LNSEMSF.com is the international webquarters of the Leonard Nimoy Should Eat More Salsa Foundation. We here at the LNSEMSF believe that Leonard Nimoy is excellent, and salsa is excellent, and if Leonard Nimoy would eat more salsa, he would become an unstoppable force of excellence. For anybody doubting this belief, we have researched the projected level of Leonard Nimoy's excellence with and without salsa. Here are the findings....

http://web.tampabay.rr.com/lnsemsf/English/english.html

The Top 8 Signs You're Not Cut Out to Be a Veterinarian

8> A visit to the petting zoo ends up with you requiring heavy sedation.

7> "Trim nails first, THEN take temperature" is tattooed on your scarred, bloody forearm.

6> Dog snot makes you itch.

5> When describing a patient, you once used the word "sexy."

4> You laughed hysterically at the end of "Old Yeller."

3> A new client brings her bulldog in for shots; you perform emergency reconstructive surgery on its "smashed-up face."

2> Your recommended diet for dogs? Pizza and beer.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Not Cut Out to Be a Veterinarian...

1> You think there's a place for all creatures great and small, but it's right beside the mashed potatoes.

I had printed your newsletter out the other day and shoved it in my work bag. A friend was ruffling through it and found my dirty secret. Before I knew it your newsletter was being photocopied and hung up all over our employee break room, and the woman's bathroom. They demanded more of it! I work with over 2000 people so, you have just made me a super star! Thank you, Fogie! --Jennifer
[Jennifer, if the Follies is your dirtiest little secret then you don't have too much to worry about. Oh, and thanks for letting me hang out in the women's bathroom!]

Fogie, I've told all my friends about the Follies, and BOTH of them said they'd subscribe! -Richie
[That's who we appeal to; the loner, the misunderstood genius, even the clinically insane. The Folly readership is a melting pot.]

Fogie, I really enjoy reading your newsletter. I wanted to know if there is a news letter that is related to, let say "sexual bizarre stories"? I thought if anyone would know you would, you seem to know a lot, and I mean that in a good way. your fan. -Mechele in TN
[There is such a thing, Mechele; it's called porn. Fortunately, you can find plenty of it on the Internet for free.]

I'm 19 year old and virgin. And I am very happy for myself. I am the Lord of Virginity, the Omega Entate. -Pixie, Auburn, AL
[Then there is no way you are really from Alabama, where the only virgin is an ugly 3rd grader without any brothers and can outrun her cousins.]

Only a virgin would tout abstinence. Why do jesus fundamentalist worry so much about what other people do in their own pants? -Mark
[Hold up a second, Slappy. Thinking with your little head again? It isn't just the Jesus freaks, Bible thumpers, and other assorted Christian types taking it upon themselves to advertise their sexuality. Last time I checked, there were plenty of places in which the local homosexual community felt an insatiable need to advertise THEIR sexual practices. If you're going to play along, at least have the simple courtesy to call it straight.]

Field trips and church retreats were always great opportunities to have sex when I was growing up Catholic. It's like a little vacation, so of course some of these little prigs are going to get drunk and meet a "really nice guy." -Sergio, Philadelphia, PA
[I bet the Vegas bookies are taking odds on how many of them go home virgins.]

Run DMC had hip-hop's first gold record, first platinum album and first Top 10 single. They were the only rap act invited to play Live Aid. And they were also the first rappers to make MTV, thanks to the megaselling Aerosmith revamp, "Walk This Way," which fused the seemingly incompatible rap and rock genres.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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