Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot


July 4, 2003 Subscribe>>>	Subscribe to the Follies for FREE for content reserved exclusively for members! View Privacy Policy

Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone - particularly fanatics intent on killing us -- airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year-old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal-of-Honor-winning former Governors.

Let's pause a moment, reflect back, vow to NEVER forget, and then take the following test based on actual cuts from history, on whether or not we should engage in profiling:

In 1972, at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped & massacred by:
(a) Olga Korbut
(b) Sitting Bull
(c) Arnold Schwartzeneger
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Lost Norwegians
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women on a Quilting Tour
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
(a) John Dillinger
(b) The King of Sweden
(c) The Boy Scouts
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A Pizza Hut delivery boy
(b) Patricia Ireland and three other crazed feminists
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked, and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard by:
(a) The Smurfs
(b) Davy Jones
(c) The Little Mermaid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, & a U.S. Navy diver was murdered by:
(a) Captain Kidd
(b) Charles Lindberg
(c) Mother Teresa
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Scooby Doo
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
(a) Richard Simmons
(b) Grandma Moses
(c) Michael Jordan
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 1996, The Khobar Towers barracks at Dhahran, Saudia Arabia were bombed by:
(a) The Vienna Boys Choir
(b) The Ohio State University football team
(c) Alec Baldwin
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
(c) The World Wrestling Federation
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

On 10/12/00, the USS COLE (DDG-67) was attacked in Aden, Yemen, and 17 American sailors were killed by:
(a) Rosie O'Donnell
(b) Barbara Streisand
(c) James Carvell and Paul Begala
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked & destroyed & thousands of people were killed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) The Jamaican bobsled team
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 2002, the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
(a) Enron
(b) The Lutheran Church
(c) The NFL
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
(a) Bonny and Clyde
(b) Captain Kangaroo
(c) Martha Stewart
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 4/28/02, a suicide truck bombing of a synagogue in Tunisia killed 19 people. Those responsible include:
(a) Ted Williams' children
(b) D.C. sniper suspects
(c) online pornographers
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 10/12/02, two nightclubs in Bali were bombed and resulted in the death of over 190 men, women, and children. Most were Australian. The heinous bombers were:
(a) Bally Fitness Club towel boys
(b) Bally slot machine repairmen
(c) Oscar Hammerstein II, who wrote Bali Hai for South Pacific
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 11/28/02, the Paradise Hotel near Mombasa, Kenya was attacked by a suicide bomber and a car bomb that killed 10 innocent Kenyans and three Israelis tourists. Who did this:
(a) Agusta National Golf Club members
(b) a group of crazed Wal*Mart Greeters
(c) U.N. Weapons of Mass Destruction Inspection Team
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 12/30/02, three Southern Baptist missionaries providing free health care to the poor at the 80-bed Jibla, Yeman hospital were slautered by:
(a) Raelian cultists
(b) Michael Doonsbury and Rob Reiner
(c) NASCAR
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 3/4/03, 21 inocents were killed and 170 injured while taking shelter during a rain shower at the airport at Davao City on Mindanao, the Philippine Islands. The homicide bomber was:
(a) Phil Donahue
(b) Phyllis Diller
(c) Phil Specter
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

On 5/13/03, in Riyadh, Saudia Arabia, 34 honorable people, including 8 Americans, were murdered by:
(a) Karem Abdul Jabbar and Sean Penn
(b) Paula Abdul and Mike Farrell
(c) Muhammad Ali and Jeneane Garofalo
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 & 40.

Hmm... Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you?

Extremistly,

Some folks take their bicycle racing VERY seriously. Check out this hilarious clip as a spectator takes the matter of a cheating rider into, er, his own hands!

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his four year old son standing at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought to himself, "Great. He's four and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

I'm the NRA. And I vote. Sometimes, I pick flowers. I put them in the end of my gun. When bees land on them, I pull the trigger.

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
~Dan Quayle

"President Bush was at his parents' place in Maine and fell off one of those Segway scooter things. This is the first time that Bush has tripped on something other than a three-letter word."
~Jay Leno

"I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world in China, someone you've never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you're hearing."
~Dennis Miller

Wife attacks Marine Husband with Grenade

U.S. Marine James Glass is recovering in a Kuwait hospital after barely surviving a grenade attack.

His injuries weren't sustained in combat: his wife Wendy, 33, and her Marine boyfriend have confessed to trying to murder James so his insurance would sweeten their 2-year-old affair.

"She has played the part of the dutiful wife, dutiful mother, all the while plotting the murder of ... the father of her children," says prosecutor Sharon Sexton.

But Glass, a chief warrant officer, forgives her. "He considers their relationship, their marriage, in good standing," says defense attorney David Lee Titterington. "He stands beside her today."

[And for that, she loves him to pieces.]

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the son of a Cuban-American refugee, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?''

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pepito, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good Pepito! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pepito: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pepito, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Cubans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pepito put his hand up. "J.F.K., during the Bay of Pigs invasion 1961."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pepito says, "George Bush, Sr. to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "You little show-off. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Pepito frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble!, we better get the heck outta here!!"

Pepito said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game. "I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the head."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalkmarks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"

He replied, "Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."

Trailervision

Based on the idea that the trailer is usually better than the movie, TRAILERVISION.COM, features trailers for fictional movies that don’t exist. Every week Trailervision.com will feature a new movie trailer, usually an outrageous take on world affairs, Hollywood or social trends. On Many occasions, the Trailervision's Trailer of the Week will be entirely original.

http://www.trailervision.com

Top Ten Things The Founding Fathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today

10. "Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They're still using it!"
9. "Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn't such a bad idea after all..."
8. "Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines"
7. "That's odd -- in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond"
6. "So that's the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams"
5. "Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square"
4. "We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!"
3. "Back in our time there certainly wasn't anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin"
2. "He did what in the Oval Office?"
1. "Screw this, we're going to Canada"

I go fishing every chance I get. Being a female angler I usually win something when fishing tournaments. Usually only enough to buy the beer once back at the dock. It was nice to see that you are a caring enough father to take your kids fishing. I will always remember my father for taking me. -CIndy
[Wait - you fish and use the money you win to buy beer!?! Damn. Where have you been all my life?]

Fogie...I have to say that I find your newsletters to be absolutely hysterical. You talk (word things) just as my close friends and I do... and we get more of a kick reading the things you write, than we do viewing the follier pics at times. You have a real knack for good humor. Keep up the good work. -Jimmy
[Thanks - the $20 bucks is in the mail.]

Right now in Detroit, the police are under investigation for planting drugs on citizens as well as other injustices. How does anyone know if a woman traveling with a baby is not also at jeopardy when stopped by the police? Do you really believe all cops are good cops? I would have done the same as the woman. She should not have been intimidated into pleading to a charge that wasn't even filed. The prosecutors and judges expect us to follow the law. Are they above the law themselves? -Vera
[How can you pick out the fact that she didn't stop for police as the issue??? That is a side issue to the fact that she was jeopordizing her child by her actions. And then she and her idiot husband compound the issue with the lame excuse that "it saves times". GET REAL!!!
Saving time is a reason to use a child as an airbag?!?!?! There is NO EXCUSE for her actions!!!I If "she had things to do" that were more important than her child's saftey, perhaps she should either revaluate her priorities or give the child up! What happens if something goes awry that most people would say is not her fault, and she has an accident? The baby is killed or seriously injured? Does that make her innocent of negiligent homicide? NO! She should be found guilty! This family needs to get a life and a then get a clue about life!

The facts as they have been reported are that the driver did not have a license and did not have her baby in a child restraint seat and, furthermore, was feeding her baby while DRIVING!!! Geez, what kind of opinion needs to be formed here??? If you dont have a license, that is a crime, if you are feeding your baby while driving, that too is a crime. Common sense is not a viewpoint, in my oh so very humble opinion.

As to not stopping, she was being pulled over by a MARKED car. If it had been an unmarked car, even the police would have said she was right not to stop till the toll booth. But, being a woman does not excuse someone from obeying the law!]

Let's get this straight. This dear mother could have hired someone to ram a pair of scissors into her baby's head and then suction the baby's brain with a vacuum, but she is being maligned and accused of child endangerment because she nursed while driving? This is the epitome of straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel. So, it is okay to have your child murdered, but if you give birth, suddenly everybody and Big Brother has an interest in how you care for your child (Child abuse is an entirely separate issue). -Neirdre
[Tell you what, let's just repeal all laws against everything. Let's just make irresponsible behavior and inattention while driving legal. People will be free to do whatever they want and no "Big Brother" will get in the way. Thousands will die at the hands of each other each day, but we'll be free, right? My God, I can not believe you twits are coming to this woman's defense!]

The seventeenth president of the United States, Andrew Johnson, did not know how to read until he was 17 years old.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

[Home] [Archives] [The Crew] [Member Area] [Folly Fru-Fru] [Pull Fogie's Finger] [Contact Us] [Support Us]

The content of this web-site -- graphics, text and other elements -- is made up of original material, items submitted by readers and content considered, to the extent of the publisher’s knowledge, to be in the public domain. The publisher strives to give proper credit to the originator of all content where known. If you believe this site contains material for which you own the copyright and/or credit has not been duly given to the originator, please contact the publisher at publisher@fogiesfollies.com.

Fogie's Follies® “R” and “NC17” versions are not intended for readers under 18 years of age.