Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

October 20, 2003

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Fogie's Folly

Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! I glanced down the hallway and saw Knox talking to Jeremy, our college intern. I could've been mistaken but I swear it looked like Knox was actually being cordial to the kid. More than cordial, almost paternal. Could I have been wrong about Knox? Did he have some small iota of a humanitarian side I didn't know about? Nah. Nonetheless, curiosity was getting the better of me. After Jeremy went on his way, I called for Knox to come into my office. He gave me his usual snarl, followed by the normal huff which segued into the eye-roll and head nod. "So, looks like you and Jeremy are getting to be large buddies," I said. "Oh, that? Was nothing really," he replied. "Kid's fiance just broke up with him and he's feelin' pretty bummed." "Geez, that is tough," I said as Knox started back out the door. "But, hey, wait a minute... let me get this straight. He's having woman problems and he went to you for advice?" "No, I just heard about his situation and wanted to offer him my own similar experience to show him that life goes on." I knew it was wrong. I knew it was foolish. I knew I was about to travel down that dark corridor and end up in Knox's black hole somewhere, but the temptation was just too great. So, against my better judgment, I asked, "You had a similar experience?" "Sure. I was engaged once." "Really? I had no idea. In fact, I think i'm shocked." "Why? I can love too, ya know!" "No, I didn't know." "I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we had decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years old, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down quite near me and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else." He continued: "One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.'" I sat there intently listening to his story and saw a look in his eyes I had never seen before. It was a look of nostalgia and fond memories. I could tell that that day had had a major impact on his life and I was anxious to hear the rest. "So, what did you do?" I asked. "I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. And just as I got outside, my girlfriend drove up. We ended up breaking up a short time after that and I never saw her or her little sister again." "Geez, dude," I said. "I never knew." Suddenly I found myself almost forgetting how much I disliked him. I was maybe even gaining a bit of respect for him. had I completely misjudged him all this time? Was the Knox I knew simply a persona of walls built up by years of heartache? Perhaps he was human after all. Perhaps he even had a heart. "Yep," he said. "That's why to this day I always keep my condoms in my car." Enlightenedly, me

Although this clip has been passed around quite a bit, we thought we'd go ahead and run it for those of you that haven't seen it. Watch this cute li'l fellow as he checks his own grooming and doesn't exactly find it up to, er, snuff.

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

Three guys are fishing when Fred gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. Ed says " What should we do?"

Bill says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help."

So Ed jumps in, and after some time, he surfaces. He says, "Help me get him in the boat."

They wrestle Fred back into the boat. Ed says, "What do we do now, it doesn't look like he's breathing."

Bill says, "Give him mouth to mouth."

Ed starts to blow air into Fred's mouth and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Fred having such bad breath."

Bill says, "Come to think of it, I don't think Fred was wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

Can an orphan eat at a family restaurant?
-Brad Simanek, www.slightlyamusing.com

"I have to admit that as the hot dog vendor went on, rather explicitly, about how he likes to 'caress each bun with mustard' and 'tease it with dabs of relish,' I was growing rather uncomfortable with his frank talk."
~Brad Simanek

"It struck me the other day exactly where my position is in the corporate hierarchy when I realized that the handicapped stall in the men's room has more space than my cubicle."
~Donald Tribble

"An interim government was set up in Afghanistan. It included two women, one of whom was Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?"
~Tina Fey

Unbelievable

BORDEAUX, France - A French judge was placed under official investigation for "sexual exposure" in a courtroom, prosecutors said on Friday, after a newspaper reported the judge masturbated while a lawyer pleaded her case.

The 39-year old judge masturbated for several minutes on Wednesday while listening to a female lawyer addressing the court in a case dealing with a dispute between neighbors, regional paper La Charente Libre said.

One of the paper's reporters saw the judge "making unambiguous gestures after discretely lifting his judicial robe and opening his trousers," it said.

The judge was temporarily suspended from his professional duties and examined by a psychiatrist, a prosecutor in the southwestern town of Angouleme said.

[I.... uh.... wow.]

The teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," the teacher continued, impressed that they were a much more theologically sophisticated than she had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."

Film Wise

Recognize these screen captures from movies?

http://www.filmwise.com/visual/computers_01.shtml

The Top 9 Football Plays We'd Like to Call

9> "Vocational Reverse" -- Plummer to Barber to Gardner to Mason.

8> The old Rodin's statue "The Thinker" play.

7> Trap play. With real traps.

6> Three cheerleaders on an end around to my house.

5> Ricky Williams off right tackle into a barber's chair.

4> Shane Matthews, three-step drop and tight spiral to Little Danny Snyder's crotch.

3> Old college play: the end-run/flying wedge right through John Madden.

2> Have Jerry Jones drop back and look in a mirror, for crying out loud.

and the Number 1 Play We'd Like to Call...

1> "Altarboy's Nightmare" -- Priest Holmes makes a grab behind a screen, immediately stepping out of bounds.

Wir sind ein Paar ende 30 und lieben :Motorradfahren, Schifahren. Wir lieben Sex in allen Variationen denn man lebt ja nur einmal.
Other Info: Währe schön wenn Ihr Euch bei uns meldet. Liebe Mädchen kommen in den Himmel, böse überall hin! -Delilah
[Yeah... me too.]

I like sex toys and girls with larger boobs. -Steph in the UK
[What a coincidence! Girls with larger boobs is one of my hobbies too!]

If all democraps think like you, maybe we should terminate all of y'all and get rid of most of the stupid ideas that are ruining this country. The last Republican movie star from California who was elected president was one of the best this country has ever had. A couple of good ole boys (father and son) from Texas are also among the best things that have happened to the good ole USA. Seems like they were both military pilots also. -Lonnie Jones, USMC
[You're wrong in several particulars, Larry. First, if you think Schwarzenegger is a Republican then you've been sniffing too much gunpowder. Second, you're being awfully generous calling G Dubbya a military pilot; sitting behind the controls of a jet doesn't make a person a fighter pilot any more than sitting behind a computer makes you Bill Gates. I have all due respect for servicemen, but damn, you're a dumbass.]

I cant believe girls would lower themselves to such a level as to want to have sex with you soo damn badly. Its simply pathetic. Mainly because they have never met you and dont know what you look like. Love your articles. -Ashley Lindly
[Who let you out of your kennel?]

Hey! I resent that statement, "If you're book smart, you'd better do like so many women have done through the centuries – hide it well." So that's what you think of the other sex. You idiot, I hope you come back in ten more lives as a woman. At least WE don't 'think' with our anatomy. -Natalie
[Are you suggesting that your brain in not part of your anatomy or that you don't think at all? You'll excuse me if I'm confused here, because I don't speak "Idiot" fluently. I suggest you reread the article and you may figure out that I was actually intimating that women may be the smarter sex. Guess I was wrong.]

The word is "Aryan". -Catlady
[No... the word is "Dried out, bitter, old spinster".]

Hey Loser, What the hell do you know about politics? Isn't your state run by Goober? If Tennessee were any more messed up it would be California. Arnold can't be any worse than Davis. Go screw your cousin, butt-face. -Hillary
[I think you have us confused with Alabama.]

I can't believe how stupid and gullable the people of California are, to vote for a Nazi and a womanizer. I loved it when he squirmed out of the allegations of groping woman with apologizing first then stating he would take care of it after he got elected. So for the sake if California, I hope he is a one terminator. -Cyndee
[That's the one thing I didn't fault him for.]

Hey mindless wonder, How could you say democracy is dead by Arnold having been elected in California? Do you see the two keywords in that sentence - DEMOCRACY and ELECTED? I voted for Arnold, and I can say that he is whole lot better, no matter what he does, than Governor Gumby Davis. Now go cry yourself to sleep with a jug of moonshine - you backasswards hillbilly. -Jeff
[When you're right, you're right. It's still democracy even if it is conducted by a million retards.]

hey fogie. nice article. reading your columns makes me wanna get on my school girl outfit, and have you punish me for being so naughty. ;) --Samantha french
[What do you want me to do... rub your nose in your own pee, hit you with a newspaper and put you in a kennel?]

Fogie baby your right about Bush and all that. These idiots that read your column, or the idiots that are registered to vote for that matter, wouldn't know a good president if it stripped naked and had sex with them. -Tracy
[Are you trying to suggest you'd make a good president?]

For a short time in 1967, the American Typers Association invented a new punctuation mark that was a combination of the question mark and an exclamation point called an “interrobang.” It was intended to be used to express incredulity or disbelief. It never caught on with the general public, and it faded away.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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