Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

October 29, 2003

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Greetings Laff Lovers, This was sent in by a reader. I’d never seen it before and it had me laughing pretty hard, so I thought I’d share it with you. I know it's kinda long, but stay with it... The professor announced to his class, "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple: each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was turned in by two English students, Rebecca and Gary. First paragraph by Rebecca: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. Second paragraph by Gary: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. Rebecca: He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully... Gary: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" Rebecca: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. Gary: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of #$%@# TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." Rebecca: Asshole. Gary: Bitch. Rebecca: LOSER! Gary: Slut. Rebecca: Get screwed. Gary: You wish; bite me. Rebecca: SCREW YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! Gary: Go drink some tea - whore. TEACHER: A+ - I really liked this one. Yin-vs-yangly, me

Just when you thought beauty pageants were becoming passe, check out this contestant from the Miss Venezuela pageant coming unwrapped.

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

Bill, Hillary, and Al Gore were all killed in a plane crash, and went to Heaven together. There they encountered God, sitting on his magnificent throne God said to Bill, "Well, you've certainly led an interesting life. What can you tell me about your convictions, that might entitle you to sit at my side?"

Bill said, "I believe in the inherent goodness of mankind, the need for us to help each other, and the ability we each have to make each other happy."

God said, "That sounds good. You may sit here at my right hand."

Then He looked down at Gore from His magnificent throne, and said, "Al Gore, what can you tell me about your convictions?"

Gore replied, "I believe that we are put here to protect the earth and each other, to value all of Your creatures, and to obey Your word."

God said, "That's good. You may sit here at my left hand." Then He looked down at Hillary and said, "What can you tell me about your beliefs and convictions?"

Hillary replied, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

"Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Cleveland has officially announced he is running for President of the United States. If elected, he would be the first bachelor president since, well, Bill Clinton."
~Jay Leno

Long hair is considered bohemian, which may be why I grew it, but I keep it long because I love the way it feels, part cloak, part fan, part mane, part security blanket.
~Sir Arthur Wing Pinero

"The WB has a new kind of show coming out based on the MTV show 'The Real World.' It's called 'The Surreal Life,' where they have celebrities all rooming together... Hey, isn't that called rehab?"
~Jay Leno

Toronto Man Is Rock-Paper-Scissors Champ

TORONTO - The cavernous club was filled with hundreds of fierce competitors. Striped-shirted referees kept order during the grueling hand-to-hand combat. In the end, it came down to two men and three "weapons" — rock, paper and scissors.

Rob Krueger, 31, of Toronto, was the winner — hands down — of the second International World Rock Paper Scissors Championship on Saturday night, taking home the $3,750 first prize.

Krueger, sporting a wild wig and wraparound shades, triumphed by throwing "paper" to finalist Marc Rigaux's "rock."

The timeless method, which is used to solve everyday disputes, involves two players making one of three possible simultaneous hand gestures, called "throws." They are "rock" (closed fist); "paper" (hand flat); and "scissors" (index and middle fingers extended. Rock defeats scissors, scissors beats paper, and paper wins over rock.

Many of the competitors were dressed in wild costumes, such as Peter Watson's billowing suit cut from Britain's Union Jack flag, with beer the obvious beverage of choice.

"Let the opponent make mistakes," stressed Benjamin Stein, 25, of New York, wearing a Stars and Stripes bandanna. When he eventually fell, he blamed a failure to follow his own advice.

"I tried hot-dogging it to get the crowd behind me. I lost to a chump," Stein said, using the culture's lingo for a slow thrower.

Other terms include "cloaking," the trick of holding back a throw until the last possible moment, and "paper clipping," a similar attempt to dupe an opponent into a false move.

"It's a big joke for 364 days of the year," said Rigaux, a 26-year-old software salesman in Toronto, where the World Rock Paper Scissors Society is based. "When you get here, it's totally serious."

Competitions also take place in Sonoma, Calif., and at the Burning Man cultural event in Nevada's Black Rock Desert, he said.

The society claims RPS is known as Jenken or Jen Ken Pon in Japan, Shnik Shnak Shnuk in Germany, Ching Chong Chow in South Africa and Farggling or Roshambo in different parts of the United States.

[Billy Gruber was clearly the people's champion going into the quarterfinal round, before he unleashed his "Rainforest Depletion Technique" attack on his opponent, wielding an unprecedented 50 paper throws in a row.]

An attractive older woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks for a Scotch with only two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today!"

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.. "

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you for your kindness. Mr. Bartender, I'll have a Scotch with only two drops of water."

"Coming right up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her second drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too."

The old woman says, "Thank you for your kindness..Bartender, I'll have
another Scotch with only two drops of water.."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink the bartender says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Kid, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole different issue....."

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

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Miracles of the Next 50 Years... From 50 years ago, that is

Check this out an article written in 1950 telling what life would be like in the year 2000. You know, things like jet-propelled planes, insect repellents, electric suns suspended from arms on steel towers 200 feet high, rayon underwear converted into candy...

http://www.you.com.au/news/560.htm

Was she hot? Is that why the judge was masturbating? Was he so turned on by an intelligent babe making her legal argument that he just had to spank his monkey? -Theresa
[I think the correct euphamism here is "banging his gavel."]

Not sure why, but I had the sense that the judge was a woman. Somehow it seemed hot and flattering that a woman judge would be masturbating to my case. A guy doing it is positively revolting. Why is that? -Quattro
[Maybe because you're a normal hetero dude and the idea of another man getting excited over your case somehow means that you are involved in his fantasies. Whatever it is, I agree that the female judge thing kinda gets to me; sorta like Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" video. Examine MY briefs Your Honor!]

Hmm. "I... uh... wow." Fogie at a loss for words. That's a first. -Flirts too Much in VA
[A picture, even a mental one, is worth a thousand words.]

Can't blame him... A hottie in a business suit reading legal documentation. I'm excited just THINKIN' about how hot she must be! -Dave, San Diego
[Alex, I'll take "What is a loser living with his mom" for $100, please.]

Your comments section, one trivial bit of crap, a couple of jokes, a picture and reader comments? THAT'S your COLUMN? You actually get PAID to put out crap like that? Your boss must be the biggest DUMBASS in the world. -Edward Leitl
[What do you want for nothing, a slice of strawberry shortcake and a prostate massage? So what's your worthless suggestion?]

how many people get this rag? i'm not the only one reading this tripe and clever responses, am i? -dave
[The last count puts my subscriber list at about 38,000 which, when combined, just about equals the brain power of a high school cheerleading squad and the buying tendencies of a saint bernard.]

You act like we Australians are too damn stupid to know about anything. Well maybe next time you damn shit for brains Seppo's need any help with the Iraqi's or whatever you remember that, and then go screw yourself. Cos we won't be there to help you poor bastards any moret. -Bill from Oz.
[I'm sorry that is your opinion, Bill. America appreciates her allies and I'm sure our boys would miss Aussie's crack "Boomerang Brigade" in the next conflict.]

Hello All, I'm Andy. I'm 45 Str8 married. I like goin cam2cam with couples and females for mutual enjoyment :) My wife occasionally joins me on cam when shes in the mood to be naughty. Bye4Now. -Andy
[OMG... Does ur wife speak n chatese as well? lol... brb... ;) roflmao] (You can see Andy's contribution in today's Folliers in the Members Area of the R or NC17 versions.)

I love the follies and I especially love looking at "nekkid" folliers. so i decided it was time to stop lurking and contribute. I even made sure to include a wfk! I am also going to send more pics for halloween! -Bobbi
[That's the team spirit! C'mon, everybody! Stop lurking, get nekkid, take some pics and send 'em in! BTW, please tell me that you're dressing up as Catwoman for Halloween.] (You can see Bobbi's contribution in today's Folliers in the Members Area of the R or NC17 versions.)

he is 61 200lbs avg build she is a bbw, trying to lose it though, very erotic (toys, tied, ect...) want to expand our pleasures with fems and other couples! -A Curious Couple
[Yeah, I'm curious, too. Like what exactly is the "etc" in "toys, tied, ect...?"] (You can see this contribution in today's Folliers in the Members Area of the R or NC17 versions.)

I am a CPA interested in travel, wood carving and chess. Sex is not just for the young crowd. I have several mature friends whom I party and travel with. We all enjoy each other's company but none of us are interested in being in a comitted relationship. We are very close and know that all of us are D/D free and simply enjoy getting together for good times and good sex. Here are some pictures of my friends and me. -Herb
[An older CPA into wood carving and chess with a modestly decorated home that doesn't want a relationship. Man, you are REALLY gay.] (You can see Herb's contribution in today's Folliers in the Members Area of the R or NC17 versions.)

Elaine lives next door, she is bi as am I and our men love to get us together to watch and share. The other night we were planning a little get together and Elaine and I assumed it would be the normal girl-girl action for a bit followed by some good sex with our men afterward. Little did we know that the guys had a different plan in mind. After they got here the guys introduced us to some toys they had bought for us. Then they blindfolded both of us and directed our every move. We did finally get the sex from them we craved but not before the guys got to see and video what they wanted. Here is some video from our evening! -Mandy
[Bi chicks with nursing outfits willing to be blindfolded, given directions that they are willing to follow and don't mind being videotaped while they do it. You gals are breaking the hearts of men everywhere today.] (You can see Mandy's contribution in today's Folliers in the Members Area of the R or NC17 versions.)

I wanted to send in my entry but I couldn't decide which of my two favorite outfits to wear. So here are some pics of me in both the black and white outfits. Now I'm gonna go get ready for a fun night with a couple of guys we met. -Michelle
[Well, Michelle, I'm certainly glad you decided to show us both of your outfits. But, remember, clothing is always optional anyway here at the Follies.] (You can see Michelle's contribution in today's Folliers in the Members Area of the R or NC17 versions.)

The female anglerfish is six times larger than her mate. The male anchors himself to the top of her head and stays there for the rest of his life. They literally become one. Their digestive and circulatory systems are merged. Except for two very large generative organs and a few fins, nothing remains of the male.

Fogie's Follies has obtained exclusive footage of the tragic mauling of Roy Horn by his royal white tiger during a sold-out Oct. 3 performance at The Mirage hotel-casino. We warn you -- this is not for the faint of heart. Scroll down ONLY if you think you can handle it.

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Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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