An engineer, an accountant, a chemist, and a public servant were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The engineer called out to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff." The dog took out a piece of paper and a pencil, then drew a circle, a triangle and a square.

The accountant called, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." The pooch went to the kitchen, collected a dozen biscuits and made four stacks of three.

The chemist called, "Beaker, do your stuff." The dog went to the fridge for a cartoon of milk and filled a glass exactly halfway without spilling a drop.

The public servant called, "Tea Break, do your stuff!" Tea Break ate the biscuits, drank the milk, chewed up the paper, claimed he injured his mouth doing so, sued for unsafe work conditions, put in for workers' compensation and took extended sick leave.

"Have you seen this commercial for Viagra? The guy comes home, he's rushing around, he's cleaning the house, he's cooking dinner, he's setting the table, he's putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home. Do you think women watching the commercial go, 'Never mind the sex. Where do I find a pill to get my husband to do all of that?'"
      ~Jay Leno

"If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire."
      ~George Carlin

"Somebody figured it out -- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments."
      ~Earl Wilson

Commuter Gets Arm Stuck in Train Toilet

NEW YORK - A man riding a Metro-North train dropped his cell phone in a toilet and got his arm stuck trying to retrieve it Thursday, forcing the train to stop and delaying the evening commute for thousands of people.

Edwin Gallart, 41, of the Bronx, was stuck with his arm in the toilet for 90 minutes, The Advocate of Stamford reported in Friday's editions. The incident happened on the 6:19 p.m. train from Grand Central Terminal. Crew members were alerted to the problem at about 59th Street, a few blocks north of Grand Central.

"When this moron's arm went down the crapper, so did our evening commute," Metro-North spokesman Dan Brucker said. The conductor called for a supervisor, or trainmaster, who boarded the train at 125th Street to help, Brucker said.

As the train continued north on the Harlem Line, the trainmaster tried to remove Gallart's arm from the stainless steel commode, Brucker said. Twenty minutes later, at 6:38 p.m., police and firefighters boarded the train at Fordham station and began helping Gallart, Brucker said.

Meanwhile, passengers were evacuated and thousands of commuters were delayed because the train sat blocking the platform as the rescue work continued, Brucker said. Other trains were prevented from reaching the platform at Fordham, and they couldn't stop at four stations to the north as well because they were prevented from switching to the correct track, Brucker said.

Firefighters tried a variety of methods to extricate Gallart's arm. They ended up taking apart the entire toilet, Brucker said. Gallart's arm was removed from the toilet and he was treated and released from a Fordham-area hospital, Brucker said. His cell phone wasn't retrieved.

The railroad's maintenance department estimated the toilet would take two days and "several thousand dollars" to fix, Brucker said.

Gallart could not be reached Thursday night. His home phone number was not listed.

[Reminds me of the monkey trap. You stick a banana in a tree with a small access hole. The monkey tries to grab it but cant pull his fist out. Evidently you can walk right up to the monkey and grab him because he wont let go of the banana. You know, now that I think about it, that whole story is probably more of a sexual allegory than based in fact. Nevertheless, this New York monkey probably should have just let go of the cellphone. Can you hear me now?]

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, "It was good, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "It was good, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Good, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup! "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay.

"It was good, but you could give just a little more bread," comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old man replies: "It was good as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!"

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"Oh, About One-sixty-five." he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 227. The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Oh, About six feet," he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

"High!" The man explains, "Well, what did you expect? When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, dammit, I'm short and fat!"

Don't You Scratch

http://tinyurl.com/dg51

The Top 14 Changes in California Under Governor Schwarzenegger

14> "Hooked on Accents" is implemented in school systems statewide.

13> Women's buttocks must be minimally covered with a regular bikini bottom or Governor Arnold's hand.

12> So many liberals flee the state that it actually lifts up out of the sea.

11> Swearing-in ceremony followed by an invitation-only executive-branch orgy.

10> Democrats suddenly develop a much deeper appreciation for the right to recall elected officials.

9> "Your incomes -- give them to me."

8> Gray Davis will be returned to the petrified forest from whence he came.

7> All female employees in the Statehouse are referred to as "Pat" and "Fanny."

6> California Department of Food and Agriculture now classifies steroids as a vegetable.

5> As part of a "family first" agenda, he works to get dear ol' Dad's Nazi party back on the ballot.

4> The governor's televised speeches have subtitles for those who speak Spanish and English.

3> Two words: flab tax

2> Statewide, the fourth Thursday in November is officially renamed "Danksgiffin."

and the Number 1 Change in California Under Governor Schwarzenegger...

1> Not only kisses babies, but gropes their moms, too.

Thanks to The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White

New York City, named by Americans as the most dangerous, least attractive, and rudest city in a recent poll, is also, strangely enough, Americans’ top choice as the city where they would most like to live or visit on vacation.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me