Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Johnny just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"

If I could get all the people in my life who have ever done mean things to me in one room, I wouldn't go in there because, damn, those are some mean people!
      ~LeMel Hebert-Williams

Thanks to Ruminations http://www.ruminate.com/
© 1998-2003 by Chris White

"I don't want yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs."
      ~Samuel Goldwyn

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
      ~Steven Wright

LONDON (Reuters) - From the Polish undertaker caught smuggling cigarettes in a hearse to a pair of one-legged Brazilian prisoners skipping jail, the weird and wacky reigned supreme around the world in 2003.

Oddball tales abounded with Canadian prisoners being offered fruit-flavored condoms, Cambodians being urged to eat more dogs and China axing hemorrhoid TV ads during meal times.

Tales of love gone sour were plentiful. A Filipino housewife wreaked revenge on her hapless spouse by cutting off his penis while he slept, after she discovered text messages from another woman on his mobile phone. Not to be outdone, an Italian pensioner beat her husband to death with a scrubbing brush because the couple had never had children.

Vasectomies caused some truly weird headlines. In London, a vasectomy brought train services grinding to a halt. A trainee driver fell out of his cab after fainting over fellow workers' graphic descriptions of the operation. A Brazilian man who went to a clinic to have an aching ear checked ended up having a vasectomy after mistakenly believing that the doctor had called his name. In Tanzania, a man cut off his genitals in an attempt to win sympathy from friends and relatives after squandering the money they lent him on prostitutes and alcohol.

The animal kingdom invariably raises a smile and 2003 was no exception. Possums on a power trip in New Zealand sparked a blaze when they climbed a pole and short-circuited the electricity line. Queen bees now have to slum it under new European Union (news - web sites) rules which only allow a retinue of 20 bees to accompany the queen on her voyage. A French hunter was shot by his dog after he left a loaded shotgun in the boot of his car with two dogs, and one accidentally stepped on the trigger. Cambodian canines had to run for cover after people in Phnom Penh were urged to eat more dogs as part of a crackdown on stray mutts wandering around the capital. A German man who taught his dog Adolf to give a Hitler salute by raising his right paw was charged with violating Germany's anti-Nazi laws.

German humor was once thought to be as scarce as tasty British food, charming French waiters and punctual Italian trains, but a new generation of Germans have developed a taste for the offbeat. A priest in Duisburg used an old washing machine to brew beer, a stumbling bank robber in Giessen forgot to cut open eye slits in his mask and 937 Germans set a mass yodeling record.

But no corner of the earth was off-limits for the bizarre. Fijians apologized to descendants of a British missionary killed and eaten by their ancestors more than 130 years ago. Moscow's Bolshoi Theater sacked an ice-cream-loving prima ballerina, saying she was too heavy and too tall for most of her dance partners to lift. Six British schoolboys were rushed to hospital after taking the erection-enhancing drug Viagra at lunchtime for a dare. But at least they were spared the constant embarrassment of a British couple who were forced to change houses because of the shame caused by the name of their street -- Butt Hole Road.

[Enjoy the new year, Folliers. And let's all pray that 2004 provides as much to laugh at as did 2003.]

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, “That's once.”

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, “That's twice.”

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, “That's once”.

And we lived happily ever after.

A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?"

The man replies, "I am waiting to see the doctor."

"W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?"

The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem.

"A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?"

"Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

Learn to play Jingle Bells

Did you ever learn to play Chopsticks on the piano by sticking numbers on the keys? Expand your repertoire with Jingle Bells.

http://www.pianoiseasy.com/showpage.cfm?page=keyboardmain

10. You've got red and green bags under your eyes.

  9. You're serving reindeer pot pie.

  8. When you hear, "Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'?," you scream, "No! I'm not listening!"

  7. You climb on your roof and start shooting carolers in the ass with your BB gun.

  6. You think you hear your Christmas tree taunting you.

  5. Instead of spending time with family, you're watching some guy make photo copies.

  4. You're busted for running through town wearing nothing but mistletoe.

  3. You've got eggnog coming out of your ears.

  2. Your standard response, "And happy holidays to you too, you bastard."

  1. Two words: tinsel rash.

Then Dino says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink. Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then Kawoski says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and youhave sex!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies Kawoski, "but it happened to my sister!"

Airdirt

A hanging plant that's been ignored for three weeks or more.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me