Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

January 26, 2004

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Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! My wife and I were married a bit over a year ago in a small ceremony attended by a few friends and local family. As such, I had not had the opportunity to meet the portion of her family living in the Rochester, NY area. Until now. Last weekend her fam had a big get-together in Rochester to celebrate her grandmother's 90th birthday. Needless to say it wasn't a surprise party. I mean, the woman is in great health for her age and I can only hope to be as cool as she is if I live that long, but you really don't need a whole bunch of folks jumping out at you and yelling "surprise" when you're 90. At 90, NOTHING should be a surprise. Which brings us to an interesting dilemma to ponder -- what do you get a nonagenarian for their birthday? What the hell could they possibly not have? And not once when she was opening presents did I hear her utter, "Gee, I've always wanted one of these." Chances are, no matter what it was, she'd had "one of these" at some point in her life. So, I got to meet the uncles and aunts and cousins and some chick named Marcie that nobody seemed to know but was hanging around anyway. They seemed to be as interested in meeting me as I was in meeting them, but since I had married in they were a tad bit more scrutinizing. Not rude or unaccepting or anything like that, just curious about the guy that had married their beloved granddaughter/niece/cousin. And they all knew about the Follies, so that sorta set the tone for all the initial conversations. "So, you're Fogie," said an aunt. "You look taller on the internet." "Yeah," I replied. "I get that a lot." "Hmmm..." And she walked away. But her vacated spot was immediately filled by an equally curious cousin. "You don't look like Tom Cruise at all. In fact, you look a lot more like that cartoon guy at the top of your web site." "Yeah. Kind of a freaky coincidence, don't ya think?" "Hmmm..." Again I was alone. A tap on my shoulder led me to turn around and find myself facing a great-aunt. "So, you married Mrs. Fogie." "Actually," I said, "she married me. "I see." "You do?" "Sure. Hmmm..." An uncle with a large smile and VERY firm handshake came over next. "Say something funny," he said. "Like what?" "Whoa, ha-ha-ha! You kill me." "Was just thinking that." "HA-HA, Heh, heh," he belly-laughed. Then he just sorta smirked and said, "Hmmm..." and walked away. Another uncle was not nearly as big of a fan. "You seem like a pretty nice fellah and all," he started, "but I just don't get you. I don't appreciate you poking fun at America and comparing the President to a monkey." "You must have misunderstood me. I would never compare G. Dubbya to a monkey... Monkeys are smart and compassionate animals." You guessed it -- "Hmmm..." At last my wife came over and asked me how it was going. I told her that it seemed to be going pretty well but that people seem to say "hmmm" a lot around me. She just smiled, said, "Hmmm..." and walked away. Cordially, me

When you have boat trouble in rough waters, they send a helicopter to rescue you. So, who's gonna rescue the chopper?

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

I wouldn't be surprised if sometimes a deer in the headlights is a just a wannabe Bambi, unsuccessfully trying to make it into that showbiz spotlight.
~Randy Lee

Thanks to Ruminations http://www.ruminate.com/
© 1998-2003 by Chris White

"More and more details coming out about Saddam Hussein and his decadent lifestyle. Apparently everyone of his palaces contained a huge collection of pornography, or as he calls it, Weapons of Masturbation."
~Jay Leno

"DC Comics announced that in a recent issue, Wonder Woman cut her hair and she is going to go for more of a punk look. She will then team up with Supergirl, but not to fight crime…."
~Conan O'Brien

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."
~David Letterman

Hiking Magazine Apologizes for Mistake

LONDON - Britain's biggest-selling hiking magazine apologized Wednesday after its latest issue contained a route that would lead climbers off the edge of a cliff on Britain's tallest peak.

The February edition of Trail magazine gives advice on making a safe descent for hikers caught in bad weather on Ben Nevis in Scotland.

But the magazine's directions would instead lead readers off the north face of the 4,406-foot mountain, which is notorious for its changeable weather and has claimed the lives of several climbers.

Guy Procter, the editor of Trail, acknowledged the magazine had inadvertently deleted the first of two crucial bearings needed to get off the summit. He said that happened during the editing process.

"We print up to 200 of these routes a year, and this is the first time we've got it wrong," said Procter.

The Mountaineering Council of Scotland issued an alert on its Web site about the mistake.

"Getting off Ben Nevis is probably one of the most infamous navigational tasks in the British Isles," said council spokesman Roger Wild. Describing the mistake in the magazine, he said, "Anyone following that route in poor visibility and with snow cover could easily have walked straight off the edge."

Procter said he was confident that the experienced hikers who make up most of Trail's 36,000 circulation would not be endangered by the error.

"No Trail reader would countenance going out on any mountain without a map, and the route is given a high technical rating, serving further to deter the novice," he said. "This gives me reason to be optimistic that our omission will swiftly be picked up by our readers."

Trail was criticized by mountain rescue teams last year for claiming three popular hiking routes were snow-free in winter.

[Hmm... I wonder if Howard Dean used the mag's map of Iowa.]

Redheads

Q: How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
A: Say something

Q: How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
A: Wait 10 seconds

If you love a Redhead, set her free.....
If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

Q: What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
A: The piranha. They only attack in schools.

Q: How do you know a guy at the beach has a redhead for a girlfriend?
A: She has scratched "stay off MY TURF!" on his back with her nails.

Q: What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
A: Normal

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A redhead!

Q: How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
A: She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl

Q: How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
A: There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations.

One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know its name, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!"

Fun Fact-Filled Timeline of the Internet

Follow along this sarcastic history of the Internet's development, from the moment Al Gore dreamed it up to present day!

http://www.thelemon.net/issues/timeline.php

The Top 16 Rejected Names for Boy Bands

16. Lip Sync

15. Puber T & the MGs

14. N AMBLA

13. UR EZ 2 Pleez

12. Keds Zeppelin

11. The Audition-Passerz

10. Jus' 4 Cash

9. N Sphinct

8. 15 Minutz

7. LOL

6. The Normal White Guys, Like in High School, Whose Idea of Dancing is Moving Only One Foot, and Not Necessarily in Rhythm

5. Boyz IV Men

4. N Vitro

3. O Degrees -- But 5 GEDs

2. Buttz II Moon

1. Backhair Boys

Fogie: I've learned another important fact of life once again from your news letter. That is, why those shampoo bottles offering 25% more free are so attractive to women. -Damon
[Now you're back to suggesting that size is all that matters to women, and Knox tells me that girls tell him ALL the time that it doesn't.]

Fogie, It's no secret that politicians and world affairs are easy to satirize, but thats info I can get anywhere. I read the Follies for your stories and the esoteric details about shampoo bottles, penile implants and pictures of nude readers. I'll make you a deal -- drop the political commentary and I'll drop my plans to send you pictures of my hairy man-breasts. -Pax
[No, please, send them. I've been looking for something to spam Knox with.]

Fogie -- I recently read an interesting article proposing that certain sexual positions could influence the sex, intelligence and attractiveness of offspring. It made me wonder which sexual positions produce the ugliest and dumbest children. -Hank
[Ask your mom.]

Watch these dumb U.S. whors start wearing them KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN. They'll be the next "gotta have" thing on the list for a bunch of these ignorant ho's KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN. You will see these white trash losers KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN who like hip hop and try and act KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN cool wearing them as shorts KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN. Those people are such loseres they dont realize that KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN not only do whites laugh at them, but the blacks laugh KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN even harder because they hate whitey KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN and he is giving them their money. hip hop and rap are not even music KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN any way. There is NO talent at all in gyrating like a fool and rhyming KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN about society and whitey to made up computerized music KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN. But these white trash losers KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN are too dumb to see that. That is why they KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN are losers and we laugh at them. KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN? -Markie
[I have no freakin' idea what you're sayin'. I mean, it sounds like the wheel's spinning but I'm pretty sure the hamster's dead.]

I'd love to see some men modeling these undies. Like maybe you and Knox!!! -Eleanor
[I wouldn't get to worked up over Knox... All foam, no beer.]

Singapore women are great in bed. -Bob
[A mail order bride no less, and she be virgin, right GI Joe? Yeah, love you long time.]

Gooks are ultra-superstitious... why is that? -Clay
[It bad ruck to use gook and superstitious in same sentence, roundeye.]

I am speechless. Can't get a word in edgewise with you. -Papi Bear
[Oh, shut up.]

JUST WAIT TILL THE YEAR OF THE PIG!! Nobody in their right mind would buy a woman a pair of underwear with one of those on it. The men's underwear might still be popular though. -Rockies Fan, Colorado Springs
[I'm waiting for the Year of the Hamster... then Knox can display his "wares" appropriately.]

you are a totally unfunny idiot. You do know this, right? -margaret
[Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.]

People in space are up to 5 centimeters taller than they are on Earth. Without the effect of gravity pressing them down, their vertebrae move a little further apart.

Arachnidiot

A person, who, having wandered into an "invisible" spider web, begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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