Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

February 2, 2004

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[No lifeguard on duty. Read at your own risk.]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! My recap of the Super Bowl: 'Nuff said. Oops... I sincerely apologize. The preceding was an HTML flaw. Abreastly... er, I mean apologetically, me

Bicycles just don't fly.

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A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.

The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of two miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."

The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet." The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse."

The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

I see where yet another athlete is in trouble for drug charges. These spoiled rich brats! Why don't they just pay cash like the rest of us?
~Brian Jones

Thanks to Ruminations http://www.ruminate.com/
© 1998-2003 by Chris White

[More quotes are from UK newspapers.]

"At the height of the gale, the harbormaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff."
~Aberdeen Evening Express

"Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
~Bournemouth Evening Echo

"Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend."
~The Manchester Evening News

Techie Names First Son Version 2.0

HOLLAND, Mich. - Tacking Jr. or II onto a boy's name is too common, a new father decided, so the self-described engineering geek took a software approach to naming his newborn son.

Jon Blake Cusack talked his wife, Jamie, into naming their son Jon Blake Cusack 2.0.

Version 2.0 was born Tuesday at Holland Community Hospital, and the proud parents took him home Friday.

"I wanted to find something different to name him besides Jon Blake," Cusack, who is self-employed with Westshore Design and Cusack Music, told The Holland Sentinel.

He said he had the idea for a few months, and spent the better part of that time persuading his wife to go along.

Jamie Cusack said she didn't concede until the week before the birth. She said she had "picked out the theme of the baby's room and done other things. I decided to let Jon have this."

After 2.0's birth, the Cusacks sent out an electronic birth announcement.

"I wrote in the birth announcement e-mail stuff, like there's a lot of features from version 1.0 with additional features from Jamie," Jon Cusack said.

[How'd a guy THIS geeky EVER have sex... let alone find someone willing to marry him? He must carry quite the joy stick.]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her, "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on it's head."

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud... They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

[Thanks to Ginny, Beckley, WV]

Southernisms

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.
It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.
Have a cup of coffee--it's already been saucered and blowed.
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
He's as country as cornflakes.
This is gooder'n grits.
Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
I'm 'bout as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Busy as a moth in a mitten.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
He needed killin'.

Paper Airplane Flight Simulator

See how far you can throw... but watch out for paper cuts.

http://www.workmanweb.com/fliersclub/simulator2.html

Why must you continually ridicule Canada? We are a friend to the US and a country with a proud tradition and proud name. -Daniel,Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
[Proud name? The first Canadians were debating over what to name their country. The first one says, "Let's start out with a C, ay?"
The second one replies, "Then let's continue on with an N, ay?"
The third one says, "And let's end with a D, ay?"]

Top 10 Reasons for being American
1. You can have a woman president without electing her
2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
3. You can call Budweiser beer
4. You can be a crook and still be president
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun
7. You can invent a new public holiday every year
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth when you're not at all
-James, Kamloops, British Columbia
[Signs You May Be A Canadian
1. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
2. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
3. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
4. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
5. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
6. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
7. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
8. You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
9. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
10. You read, rather than scanned, this list.]

How can you possibly complain about the tight security at the border when terrorists abound and seek every opportunity to destroy your country? -Jessie, Canada, BC
[How can you critique my column without reading it? I know there aren't any pictures, but try reading it again. Perhaps this time without feeding your moose at the same time.]

The crystal ball thing happened to me too! I have a sculpture that's a 2-ft plastic globe filled with salt water and 2-inch acrylic balls. I kept it in the coat closet on a piece of upholstery foam (so it wouldn't roll). While I was gone for the weekend, my roommate forgot to close the closet door, and went to take a nap. She woke up 3 hours later, the house was filled with smoke. It took firefighters nearly an hour to figure out what was wrong! Burned right through the foam, and some cardboard had started to smolder. Scary! -Kitty
[Maybe you'd be safer with cubic zirconias.]

Had this happen. Got one when I was a kid, and put it by my window. Didn't take long for a little tell tale black smoking dot to form. Just always kept it away from strong light after that. -Don, Boston, MA
[Maybe if it was put in a broom closet...]

RE: Balls... this story is very true, I had one of those balls hanging from my car mirror. Went shopping, while inside the store I saw the fire department outside. After shopping I saw the fire dept and people around a car. As I approached closer, it was my car! The inside was pretty well burnt up. Yep the ball caused it. My insurance company didnt pay for repair costs because they said it was my own negliance and I also had to pay city fees for the fire departments response. These ball should have a warning label on them. -Scubaman
[Insert your own joke here.]

Wouldn't it be funny if this happened in Miss Cleo's house? -Red
[But then our email would ignite!]

What a great idea for an arsonist! If someone wanted to burn their business or house down for insurance purposes, what a great way! You could say it was an accident and get off scott free! -Auggie
[Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. ]

Bargue

To whine, fuss, and complain a great deal while at the same time trying to get someone to see your point of view. Ex: The young child bargued with his father until his father gave in and let him stay up past his bedtime.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.

[Thanks to Ginger]

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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