Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

February 6, 2004

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Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! I receive MANY emails similar to the following on a daily basis: Fogie, [choose one: A) I disagree with you on..., B) I receive too much email, C) You suck, or D) You are a heathen, self-righteous, egomaniacal, son-of-a-whore]. Unsubscribe me to your [choose one: A) ezine, B) newsletter, C) publication, D) rantings that aren't good enough to merit lining my bird cage or wrapping fish]. Now, EVERY email we send out includes an option to unsubscribe with a simple link to click on. Furthermore, there are at least three unsubscribe links included in each issue that any reader would stumble across at some point. However, God forbid I should be accused of spamming someone, so for those of you that are either too lazy or possesses an intellect rivaled only by garden tools, here are the proper procedures for getting off of our mailing list: In order to unsubscribe, first, ask your Internet Provider to mail you an Unsubscribing Kit, which they should provide free of charge. Make sure to tell them the make and model of your computer, as well as the operating system and amount of memory and hard disk space that you have free. Then follow these directions. The kit will most likely be the standard no-fault type. Depending on requirements, System A and/or System B can be used. When operating System A, depress lever and a plastic dalkron unsubscriber will be dispensed through the slot immediately underneath. When you have fastened the adhesive lip, attach connection marked by the large "X" outlet hose. Twist the silver- colored ring one inch below the connection point until you feel it lock. The kit is now ready for use. The Cin-Eliminator is activated by the small switch on the lip. When securing, twist the ring back to its initial condition, so that the two orange lines meet. Disconnect. Place the dalkron unsubscriber in the vacuum receptacle to the rear. Activate by pressing the blue button. The controls for System B are located on the opposite side. The red release switch places the Cin-Eliminator into position; it can be adjusted manually up or down by pressing the blue manual release button. The opening is self-adjusting. To secure after use, press the green button, which simultaneously activates the evaporator and returns the Cin-Eliminator to its storage position. You may log off if the green exit light is on over the evaporator . If the red light is illuminated, one of the Cin-Eliminator requirements has not been properly implemented. Press the "List Guy" call button on the right of the evaporator . He will secure all facilities from his control panel. To use the Auto-Unsub, first undress and place all your clothes in the clothes rack. Put on the velcro slippers located in the cabinet immediately below. Enter the shower, taking the entire kit with you. On the control panel to your upper right upon entering you will see a "Shower seal" button. Press to activate. A green light will then be illuminated immediately below. On the intensity knob, select the desired setting. Now depress the Auto-Unsub activation lever. Bathe normally. The Auto-Unsub will automatically go off after three minutes unless you activate the "Manual off" override switch by flipping it up. When you are ready to leave, press the blue "Shower seal" release button. The door will open and you may leave. Please remove the velcro slippers and place them in their container. If you prefer the ultrasonic log-off mode, press the indicated blue button. When the twin panels open, pull forward by rings A & B. The knob to the left, just below the blue light, has three settings, low, medium or high. For normal use, the medium setting is suggested. After these settings have been made, you can activate the device by switching to the "ON" position the clearly marked red switch. If during the unsubscribing operation, you wish to change the settings, place the "manual off" override switch in the "OFF" position. You may now make the change and repeat the cycle. When the green exit light goes on, you may log off and have lunch. Please close the door behind you. Obligingly, me

A test to see how much of a wuss your friends are. The results are, uh, shocking.

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the drunken derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

When I saw the big-bosomed spider crawling up my leg, I was repelled, yet strangely attracted.
~Chris MacEachen

Thanks to Ruminations http://www.ruminate.com/
© 1998-2003 by Chris White

"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?"
~Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

"My mom had a weekly court and we'd get tickets during the week. On Saturdays, my dad would be the judge and mom would be the prosecutor. We could state our case, but she was like Matlock - she always won!"
~Malcolm in the Middle dad Bryan Cranston

"They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?"
~Jay Leno

3 Accused of Putting Hairpieces on Cows

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Three livestock exhibitors at last year's Ohio State Fair have been disqualified for allegedly outfitting their Holstein cows with hairpieces.

State Fair inspectors said the three glued or painted hair from another part of the animal or from another animal to create straighter backs on the cows and enhance their appearance in the show ring.

Kreg Krebs and his brother Kenneth of Fredericksburg, and Scott Long of Clayton, Mich., could be required to forfeit all winnings, said Department of Agriculture spokeswoman Melanie Wilt. The winnings had been withheld by fair officials.

Wilt said state inspectors at the fair discovered the fake hair when the cows were leaving the show ring on Aug. 10. The men have 30 days to request a hearing in which they could present their cases to an independent hearing officer.

[Hair Club for Cows... I'm not just the owner, I'm also a client.]

And updating a previous Notorious News story...

Man Fined for Shipping Self in Plane

DALLAS - A man who shipped himself across America in an air cargo crate to avoid paying a passenger fare was fined $1,500 Wednesday and sentenced to 120 days of house arrest. A federal court at Fort Worth, Texas, also put Charles McKinley, dubbed by local media as "Charlie in a Box," on probation for one year. He had faced up to one year in prison after pleading guilty to stowing away on an aircraft.

Last September McKinley, 25, filled out an air freight order that charged his New York computer company for the shipping costs, stuffed himself in a crate and sent his 5-foot-8-inch body in a box that was 42 inches high, 36 inches wide and 15 inches deep. It was sent, without insurance, on a two-day journey from the New York area to his parents' home in a Dallas suburb.

He was discovered by a deliveryman who thought there was a corpse in the crate when he saw eyes staring at him through slats in the box when he dropped it off at McKinley's parents' home. When the crate started to rattle and the apparent corpse came to life, the deliveryman called police, according to a police report.

[Good thing he saved all that money on the air fare.]

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."

"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered Becky, "now rest and let the poison work."

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Whistle Like a Wild Man!

Wouldn't you like to be able to squeal out a super loud whistle like those macho guys at the ball park? It's easy enough, if you have two hands...

http://pobox.upenn.edu/~thompson/whistle.html

The Top 10 Reasons to Get Up Really Early

10> Best time to practice drums and play heavy metal without any distractions.

9> Blackmail is so much easier when you find out what time your older sister really gets home.

8> First one downstairs in the morning gets to drink straight from the milk carton.

7> It's the only time of day you can watch The Discovery Channel
before Mom wakes up and turns it to that crappy MTV.

6> The early bird catches the worm, then sticks it under her brother's pillow and tells him the Brain Fairy came last night.

5> Only time the toy operating room is available for sister's Barbie to undergo its Godzilla head transplant.

4> Scare the bejeebers out of the under-the-bed monster, who falls asleep about 4:30. That'll teach it to snore!

3> The early bird beats the conniving brother at his own water-balloon-in-the-face game, let me tell you!

2> There's an amazing neighborhood fashion show right after the newspapers come. Have your digital camera ready.

and the Number 1 Reason to Get Up Really Early...

1> Make coffee and breakfast for your parents. Make tiny footprints all over the kitchen with your two-year-old brother's shoes. Go back to bed.

Why is everyone -- including you -- making such a big deal about Janet Jackson's breast popping out? -Ken
[It's a big deal because it means six more weeks of winter.]

JJ=Nose Job, Fake Boobs, Liar... During the song by Justin Timberlake where he sings "I'm gonna have you naked by the end of this song" is exactly and precisely the moment he tears away her breast plate exposing the metal clamped nipple. I am having nightmares at night when I sleep with her big boob in my face and I'm a woman and find her totally disgusting. -Eve
[Yeah, I keep seeing her boob in my sleep, too.]

SHE'S A CHEAP P.O.S! Just like her brother. And Timberlake is a punk. I'm sick of the lot of em'. -Madam Giggle
[Trust me, those boobs were anything but cheap. Michael's surgeon could certainly take a few tips from Janet's.]

More Hollywood TRASH! But I've noticed that more and more people are tuning out hollywood. It is the way of the Liberals everywhere. The theory is to get rid of any rules at all, and then with the breakdown of society, they step forward and become supreme, like Hitler and Stalin did. The liberals want your children to have "sex" and "homosexual" classes from the 1st grade onward. And if you do a little looking around, you will see that many of these hollywood liberals have their own kids so screwed up that they have no hope of any normalacy in thier lives. -Sandy, Baltimore, MD
[Geez!!! Who lit the fuse on YOUR tampon?]

Janet's boobs will be the new federal probe... should be easier than searching for WMD. -Carrie
[Yeah, we should definitely probe Janet's boobs, and we should probably check out J-Lo's butt while we're at it.]

Can we sue them? Is there any legal way for us to sue CBS, MTV, Janet and Justin. This way we can teach them a lesson and so have some control back on our family TV program. -Vickie, Milpitas, CA
[Yeah, let's sue. Can you please quantify your personal psychological harm from what you saw so we can set the number of zeros on the damages? Are you scarred for life by a half-second "Huh? What was that? Did he pull her top off?!?"]

1. Jon B. Cusack 2.0 will be found to be quite buggy in about the 6th year of use. He wont stop bugging dad until about the 18th year.
2. 2.0 will be found to suffer from viral infestation thrugh his first 15 years of use.
3. 2.0 comes with a no return policy. No guarantees expressed or implied.
4. 2.0 may or may not be an improvement over 1.0.
5. 2.0 may experience a crash around 17th year of use while using the family car. Restrict alcohol use and insure liberally.
6. 2.0 may become one of the family's favorite utilities, but will also exhaust the family's financial resources, time, and patience. 2.0 can be that way.
7. 2.0 may spawn other versions when used with Sexy Girl 2.1. Use with care and advise carefully.
8. 2.0 will require much setup and configuration to use properly. It also suffers from leaks that should self-correct with time. Sense of humor 3.1 highly recommended. In the meantime, download a patch as needed.
9. 2.0 is easily disrupted if physically jarred or directed inconsistently. Treat with careful attention, liberal use of antiseptic washes, and abundant affection.
10. 2.0 tends toward idleness. Keep it busy to develop a work ethic. Let it run a screensaver or video game regularly to cool off the processor after intensive use.
We hope 2.0 brings you much satisfaction. Enjoy! -Martin
[Update... The mother has gone back into labor and had sextuplets; they have agreed to name the other children Service Packs 1-5... film at 11.]

And I thought it was a bad idea for my husband (a comic book artist) to name one of our kids after the secret identiy names of comic book characters. (i.e. Eric for Magnito of X-Men or Mary Jane after Spider-Man's True love.) -Annie, OH
[Sounds like the cheese slid off his cracker.]

If Bill & Melinda Gates ever have (or adopt) children, let us hope he doesn't follow suit & give them geeky names! -Paul, Chicago
[With a few billion in their trust accounts they won't care what they are named.]

Warning to parents... someday your "baby" will grow up and beat the living crap out of you for such assinine behavior and causing embarassment. -Kris
[Beats the hell outta their first choice -- Microchip Cobol Cusack Office Suite.]

What ghastly sounding parents! They remind me of the sort of I.T geeks you deal with at work who look down their noses at you if you're not fully au fait with every aspect of computers - socially inept and legends in their own workstations. What will they do for an encore - name their daughter "Sony Playstation 2"? Some people genuinely shouldn't be allowed to breed... -Kitty
[But then we couldn't have been treated to your little bit o' prose here, now could we?]

Geeks should not procreate. -Iceman, Connecticut
[Even geeks can have kids, but it sounds like this guy has a few bad sectors on his hard drive, if you know what I mean.]

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

Bazookacidal Tendencies

The overwhelming desire of most individuals to reach out and pop the gigantic gum bubble billowing from someone's mouth.

[Thanks to Ginny, Beckley, WV]

Nemo Found...

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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