Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

February 25, 2004

Subscribe>>>

Subscribe to the Follies for FREE for content reserved exclusively for members! View Privacy Policy

[The funny part of a nutritious breakfast.]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! I decided to start our weekly staff meeting by just blurting out something I'd been thinking about for weeks. "We need a woman." "Huh?" asked Joe. "I knew your wife was cool, Fogie," said Dwight, "but I didn't know she was that cool." "I suggested that to my wife... once," added Chet. Knox looked at me. "You guys have only been married a little more than a year, dude. You must be worse than I thought if you've already got her considering lesbianism." "No, no, no," I said. "I mean WE need a woman." "Huh?" asked Joe. "Kinky," said Dwight. "Kinky cool," chimed Chet. "Way kinky cool," added Knox. "This job has the weirdest benefits." "No, dammit! I mean we need female input around here." "Huh?" asked Joe. "Whoa, big fella," said Chet. "Let's just back up the estrogen truck for a minute." "Yeah, man," said Dwight. "Why would you wanna screw up the dynamic of the group?" "Our dynamic is one-sided and generally sucks," I replied. "Well, I don't need a woman," claimed Knox. "And you don't need a woman and Chet doesn't need a woman and Dwight doesn't even want the woman he's got and Joe... well, Joe... never mind." "Huh?" asked Joe. "I'm tellin' ya, guys, we need some fresh input around here. A different perspective on things. A new take on what's funny to ALL of our readers, 60% of whom are female." "I don't know, man," said Chet. "Sounds like trouble to me. What do you think, Dwight?" "Well, we could use some help if we ever want to get back on a regular publishing schedule. Another person could pick up the slack. Besides, the fridge in the break room always needs cleaning. What do you think, Knox?" "We could use the help. And a big-breasted, tight-sweater-wearing, short-skirt-donning, pouty-lipped, hip-swaggering, single, kinky, blue-eyed, blonde amazonian would probably do just as well as anybody. What do you think, Joe?" "Huh?" "What the hell is with you guys?!? I'm not talking about hiring a cleaning woman, or a secretary or a hooker! I'm talking about someone that would edit and publish with us. Someone that would have content responsibility. Someone with writing, publishing and editing skills. Someone that would be in here with us right now as an equal." "Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Huh?" "Well, at least you finally all agree on one thing. That settles it, I'm gonna go post the position out there in the world and start culling prospective candidates. I'll do the initial interviews and narrow the field down to a few. Then we'll all talk to the finalists." "How come you get to do the narrowing?" asked Knox. "Because if you do it we'll only see bimbos. If Chet does it, they'll all be mousy. If Dwight does it, they'll all be anal retentive. And if Joe does it we'll end up with his mother." Head huntingly, me

It's always nice when the wife comes home with new sexy lingerie and woos you away from the drudgery of work... well, not always.

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

After their Super Bowl victory, President Bush called the Patriots to congratulate them on their win.

Al Gore called the Panthers and told them he thought that they were robbed.

Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.

I think if fruits were people, pineapples would be real bastards.
~Mystic7

Thanks to Ruminations http://www.ruminate.com/
© 1998-2003 by Chris White

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."
~Mark Twain

"The radio business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, all while many good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."
~Hunter S. Thompson

"The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow, and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea."
~Belfast newspaper

1,980-Pound Pig May Have Been Biggest

BEIJING - Chinese officials figure a 1,980-pound pig that died from lack of exercise has a shot at being named the biggest pig ever. And they plan to apply for a listing in the Guinness Book of Records, the government's news agency said Monday.

The pig, which was 8 feet 3 inches long, is already the heaviest ever reported in China, the official Xinhua News Agency said.

The beast had a girth of 7 feet, 3 inches and its tusks were 5 3/4 inches long when it died Feb. 5, the agency said. It cited the pig's keeper, Xu Changjin, a farmer in the northeastern province of Liaoning.

The pig lived to be 5 years old — considered long in China, where most pigs are slaughtered by age 3 — and was kept in a "nicely built sty," the report said.

But, "it had grown too big to move around," said Liu Mingyu, a professor at Liaoning University, who said it died from lack of exercise.

China's previous heaviest pig weighed in at 1,540 pounds, Liu said, in Xinhua's report.

[Sounds like Soooiieee-cide!!!]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

As a mother was nursing her baby, a friend's six-year-old daughter came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was full of questions.

After mulling over the given answers, the girl remarked, "My mom has some of those too, but the only one who gets to use them is Daddy"

Combat Mind Control!

The AFDB site is dedicated to spreading the word about the AFDB and how it can help the average human. What Is An AFDB? An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers. Of course.

http://zapatopi.net/afdb.html

Signs Your Pet Is Involved in a Conspiracy to Take Over the World

Bird cage lined with plans for a "dirty bomb."
Cute knitted sweaters replaced by Kevlar vests and snazzy uniforms.
He makes a "message drop" on your neighbor's front lawn.
Polly Parrot is not asking for crackers any more -- he's doing logarithms and asking you to look up missile sites on Yahoo.
Rover wants to change his name to Saddam.
She signed a strategic alliance with Microsoft.
That daily scattered birdseed? Code.
The cat has bound and gagged the canary again. Obviously it couldn't be trusted not to sing.
You find a copy of "World Domination for Felines" hidden in a pile of Tiger's kitty porn.
You found an L. Ron Hubbard shrine in the back of his doghouse.
Your bunnies, in an effort to create a world conquering army, are breeding like... um, they're breeding a lot.
Your hamster runs in its wheel... but maniacally so.
The invisible dog fence has been converted to a satellite transmitter.
Well you certainly didn't order "World-Ruling Throne, Qty 1."
He barks to get the squirrels' attention and then communicates with them in code by slyly licking his butt.
Fido and his buddies have spent years perfecting a lawn-destroying chemical land mine.
He's plumbed key toilets of the world together and then talks to the other dogs while pretending to get a drink.
Dog Chow doesn't usually come with a surprise in the package, let alone laser-guided missile parts.
Instead of a Frisbee, your dog is playing catch with a Chinese chauffeur who throws a steel-bladed derby.
Your goldfish have labeled the toilet seat "ESCAPE HATCH."
Your retriever is wearing an eye patch and stroking a small cat in his lap.
What did you think all those monkeys were REALLY typing?

Fogie, I have never agreed with you more. The whole breast and cleavage thing has always confused me. Women have always maintained a double standard against men about their boobs; they want to flaunt them in low cut or unbuttoned blouses with sheer bras (or none) underneath, but we are scum if we do the natural thing which is to look! -Kevin
[Preaching to the choir, brother.]

Fogie, you are a neanderthal. Just because a woman's breast is visible does not mean you should look! -Lori, Omaha, NE
[People shouldn't rob banks either but I'm pretty certain they lock the vaults at night.]

I bet Barbie is w/ Spongebob. That little yellow guy can sure please them plastic hoes. -Glen, San Diego
[Jealous?]

Why can't marriages work in make believe worlds at least? -Alex
[Actually, they were just shacking up. Barbie dumped him because he wouldn't buy a ring.]

Oh this is so sad. Can't anybody stay together anymore? They seemed like such a cute couple. Is it that Ken was gay, or is it Barbie's career that did them in? -Jenny
[Tis very sad... The next thing you know they'll be telling us Bill was unfaithful to Hillary.]

barbie you damned slut. now the wench is gonna take half of ken's money. -Carl
[And then Barbie ends up dead in a month. It's always the same; two people in a long-term relationship split over silly crap, then the man - drunk or insane - wastes the woman, possibly taking his own life in the process. Sound familiar, Carl?]

This is great PR for mattel... although I think it will backfire on them and destroy the hopes and dreams of little kids all over the world! -Rachel, Phillipsburg, NJ
[Nah, that's our job as parents.]

Barbie shows her breasts to milllions of girls that are under age. She is also sold completely naked sometimes. This is an outrage. Stop teaching little girls to be prostitutes. -Tim
[YEAH! Save that crap for the proper setting... like Super Bowl halftime shows!]

this is a joke, right? You are writing a story about dolls? Just when you think your publication could not get any worse. -Tom
[You underestimate me... I can sink much lower.]

May your moccasins leave tracks On many mounds of worth, And walk with braves of every tribe Who live in peace on earth. -Brandy
[I tell the kids that same thing all the time.]

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

Irritainment

Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

[Home] [Archives] [The Crew] [Member Area] [Folly Fru-Fru] [Pull Fogie's Finger] [Contact Us] [Support Us]

The content of this web-site -- graphics, text and other elements -- is made up of original material, items submitted by readers and content considered, to the extent of the publisher’s knowledge, to be in the public domain. The publisher strives to give proper credit to the originator of all content where known. If you believe this site contains material for which you own the copyright and/or credit has not been duly given to the originator, please contact the publisher at publisher@fogiesfollies.com.

Fogie's Follies® “R” and “NC17” versions are not intended for readers under 18 years of age.