A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like two pounds of Polish sausage, please."

The clerk asks if the guy is Polish.

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I had asked for a chorizo, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no."

With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then! Why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is a dry cleaners."

"Martha Stewart was found guilty on all charges. You know what that means, stripes are in this year."
      ~Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the jury at the Martha Stewart trial reached a verdict. Martha was found guilty on all charges. In a related story, there's a huge sale at K-Mart."
      ~Conan O'Brien

"Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle."
      ~Jon Stewart

KINGS MOUNTAIN, N.C. - A 96-year-old woman facing drug charges said she does not know how the crack cocaine deputies found on her got into her wheelchair.

Julia Roberts was charged with possession of crack with intent to sell and deliver, and with possessing a crack pipe, sheriff's officials said. She was freed pending a hearing March 30.

"I've never seen (the drugs) in my life," she told The Charlotte Observer for a Saturday story. "I don't know how they could get there."

A search warrant for the arrest said it's the third time Cleveland County deputies have seized crack at the mobile home Roberts shared with her son.

Harold Roberts, 61, was charged with possession of stolen goods. Harold Roberts' brother, James Roberts, 58, who lived nearby, was charged with possession of moonshine. A neighbor, Donald Eugene Bridges, 56, was charged with possession of stolen property.

Cleveland County Sheriff's Office Capt. Bobby Steen said Roberts and the three men traded crack for stolen property, mostly jewelry and guns.

The affidavit said an informant told deputies that Julia Roberts hid crack in her prosthetic leg during a previous search.

Roberts said she has kicked her son out of the house.

[I bet they convict her and give her life... or 3 years which ever comes first.]

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed.

After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. She was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said "Don't worry, someday your prints will come."

A zookeeper, making his rounds late one night, saw a light coming from the gorilla cage. Looking in, he saw the gorilla reading 2 books: in one hand he had the Holy Bible, and in the other he had Darwin's Origin of Species.

The zookeeper asked the gorilla, "What are you doing reading those particular books?"

"Well," said the gorilla, "I'm trying to decide if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother!"

What does your phone number spell? Enter a 6 to 10 digit phone number and they'll show you what words and phrases your phone number spells. Moving? Pick a new 7 or 8 digit phone number by typing in an available exchange and see what one-word numbers you can choose from. For the truly lazy, you can type in letters and it will show you the corresponding phone number.

http://www.phonespell.org/

[Thanks to Ginny, Beckley, WV]

New Drugs for Women

D A M M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

ST. M O M'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait until they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increase breast size, decrease intelligence, and improve flirting skills.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of Country Western music.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband or boyfriend, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the woman the time and trouble of doing it herself.

Begathon

A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me