Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

"Grandmother used to take my mother to the circus to see the fat lady and tattooed man - now they're everywhere."
      ~Joan Collins

"I understand life isn't fair, but why couldn't it just once be unfair in my favor?"
      ~Christy Murphy

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A repentant Texas man went to police after seeing Mel Gibson's controversial film "The Passion of Christ" and confessed to murdering a 19-year-old woman who was pregnant with his child, authorities said on Thursday.

Police had thought Ashley Nicole Wilson, who died on Jan. 18, had hanged herself, but Dan Leach, 21, went to them on March 9 to admit that he had killed her, said Fort Bend County Sheriff's Department spokeswoman Jeannie Gage.

Leach wanted to seek redemption after talking to a friend and seeing the movie about the last hours of Christ's life, she said.

"He mentioned that speaking with the friend and seeing the movie 'The Passion of Christ' made him feel remorse," Gage said.

Leach said he killed Wilson because she was pregnant with his child and he did not want to be involved with her anymore, she said.

Wilson was found in her apartment with a suicide note describing her depression but Leach said he staged the murder to look like she had killed herself. The Houston Chronicle first reported the story in its online edition.

Leach was released after his confession while police investigated and was arrested on Tuesday after a grand jury indicted him. He was being held on $100,000 bail, Gage said.

[Well, you have to admit that particular types of films make impacts upon the film goers. Consider how "Roots" encouraged people to look up their family trees, or how people view particular relationships as "fatal attractions." A movie, for better or worse, can make an impact. That's the very reason I was moved to hire Knox after watching "Rain Man".]

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well, that some detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests were negative and my attorney said that I would no longer be considered a suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

Signed,

A relieved menopausal wife

Ruthie was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted him and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, her husband really enjoyed his dinner.

"Ruthie, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, Ruthie made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died.

Her bridge cronies came around to pay their respects and while they were sitting around the kitchen table one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly drinking tea knowing you murdered your husband?"

Ruthie stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantle while he was licking his butt."

Milk, eggs, butter... 457 lists and growing!

http://keaggy.com/grocerylists/0001-0050/

• He keeps trying to bite the head off of Fluffy the hamster.
  
• She can shriek "NO!" in five octaves.
  
• Lights his diaper on fire, then eats it.
  
• Government pre-school testing pegs him for a future Oxycontin addict.
  
• Sleeps all day, wails all night, and leaves little messes most everywhere he goes.
  
• You find him playing his Fisher-Price guitar... with his teeth.
  
• Moves out every morning; back by lunch to mooch fruit rollups and pocket change.
  
• Refuses to say "Mommie" unless she gets green M&Ms -- and only green.
  
• That's the third time this week you've caught him sniffing a line of baby powder.
  
• His first sentence: "Peek-a-boo? Why the [bleep] are we doing this? I'm the [bleep]ing Prince of Darkness!!"
  
• "... and next on Behind the Music, how an Infant Tylenol Drops addiction led to a rediscovery of the Tupperware percussion he loved so much."
  
• Well, if she doesn't become a pop singer, those breast implants were a big waste.

Thanks to The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
Copyright 2002 by Chris White

Blooage

The residue left on fingers after using an S.O.S pad.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me