With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby!?"

And the mother says, "You'll have to wait until the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it!"

"A little lemon and seltzer will remove those pesky ink stains after you've been fingerprinted."
      ~Martha Stewart

"There I was, naked, trembling with anticipation, hoping she would finally say the words I've waited a lifetime to hear. Unfortunately, 'Step away from the vehicle with your hands up!' wasn't exactly what I had in mind."
      ~Mike Lopez

CLEARWATER, Fla. - A woman pleaded guilty to swallowing a 1.5 carat diamond ring at a jewelry store and will serve one year of probation.

Mary Denise Flowers, 38, swallowed the ring at Littman Jewelers in December. A surveillance camera caught the act.

The ring was later recovered in a jailhouse commode, and will be sent to Littman Jewelers' corporate headquarters in Oregon to be melted down.

Flowers, who did not have a previous criminal record, was also ordered Monday to pay fines and court costs totaling $1,090, court records state.

The judge withheld a formal finding of adjudication, meaning Flowers will have a clean record if she completes probation without violation.

[I assume that the ring has been recovered, cleaned, and possibly put back on display. EWWWWWWWWWWW! Maybe some other weirdo will try to swallow it now. Double EWWWWWWWWWWW!]

A young man from Alabama was sitting at a bar with his pet pig asked for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar.

The man proceeded to say, "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the trailer and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up. Then a few days later my son fell into the pond and that pig was grazing out on the lawn, and he came running and jumped into the pond and saved my son."

"Well," said the bartender, "I guess this pig is very special, so I'll get him a drink. By the way, I noticed that he is missing one leg. What happened?"

"Well," said the young Alabamian, "when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once!"

A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it!"

The blonde yelled back, "Shut up! You’re next!"

There are so many unexplained occurrences and happenings in our everyday lives, we have to wonder. "Are we sharing our space in this life with other entities?" Do some of these entities help us or hinder us in our every day lives? Maybe you have a tale of your own that will help convince the non believers.

http://members.tripod.com/~do_you_believe/index.html

• Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
• Start marketing new "Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope."
• Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
• Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
• Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
• Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
• Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
• Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
• Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
• Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
• Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
• Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
• Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal's probably cold in the morning.
• Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
• Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
• Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
• Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
• Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
• Start work on new book: "Minimum Security With Maximum Flair."
• Ask Rosie how to say "I'm not interested" in Lesbianese.
• Remember... Outside: "And that's a GOOD thing!"
  Inside: "Shit be da bomb, yo!"
• Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
• Roll around in a huge friggin' pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
• Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed;request transfer back to Bitchior.

Thanks to The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
Copyright 2004 by Chris White

Bovilexia

The uncontrollable urge to lean out the car window and yell "Moo!" every time you pass a cow.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me