Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!

As you may remember, we have been in the process of hiring another editor to work here in our li'l publishing empire. Specifically, I made the decision to hire our first female crew member to join all us guys, and I did so for four reasons:

1. Provide female input and perspective to our publications,
2. Better distribute the work loads so that we can publish more frequently,
3. Compliance with the EPA directive to balance testosterone levels in the office, and
4. Give Knox a diversion so he'll leave me alone.

We received many resumes from some very fine candidates, and after interviewing each of them one on one by myself, I narrowed our search down to three candidates to present to the rest of the crew for a final group decision. So, yesterday Chet, Dwight, Joe, Knox and I convened in the conference room ready to meet our finalists.

The first girl, Deborah, left immediately after Knox suggested that her choice of apparel didn't show enough of "the goods". The second girl, Rhonda, was already screaming "sexual harassment" as she slammed the door behind her.

"Damn, dude!" I said to Knox. "You can't talk to these women like that!"

"I just wanna see if they can take the pressure. I'm still not crazy about this whole hiring a chick idea anyway. But since you guys are so dead set on it then I can at least try to make sure we get the right girl."

"Try to maintain or at least fake a little sense of decency and decorum! Just watch what you say, okay?"

At that, girl #3 was let into the conference room. She walked with poise and confidence, and certainly had a very relaxed sense about her. Something in her smile and demeanor made me think from the beginning that she might be our choice. She was also quite attractive and had a certain air of sensuality about her. I just knew that Knox was ready to pounce on her at the first available opportunity and let loose his sexual innuendo and verbal abuse. My mind was already dialing the number our defense attorney. But, as I looked over at him, I could actually see his demeanor alter like his face was being swiped from defiance to... well, infatuation.

Knox just sat silently staring at her as the rest of us asked her all the questions and posed all the scenarios. She answered each of them directly, confidently and wisely. She was bright, witty, knowledgeable, sexy, playful, confident and charming. I knew she was our girl.

We were wrapping things up when I made the tragic mistake... "Does anyone have anything else before she goes?"

Oh crap! It had all gone great up to now and I had given him the opening he had been waiting for. Suddenly a sense of dread and fear fell upon me. It was similar to the "train wreck syndrome" -- you can see it coming, you can't stop it... you should turn away from the impending carnage but you have to look.

"Would you be interested in the charming, witty and intelligent editor a humor ezine?" asked Knox.

"Why? Is Fogie getting divorced?"

A swing and a miss! She didn't get upset! She didn't leave! She just stood her ground and fired back. She even diffused the question with humor! "I just don't know if you would fit in with a team like this," said Knox.

"It looks like you've managed to be a part of the team, even overcoming that lack of personality you suffer from," she said.

"I may be lacking in personality, but I think you have a bad attitude," he said to her, visibly agitated at this point.

"Well, Knox," she said, "the difference between you and me is that I can always change my attitude."

"Ouch!" murmured Chet.

"Dyamn," said Dwight.

"That's gonna leave a bruise," said Joe.

At that, we exchanged goodbyes and she left. Knox immediately expressed his feelings. "We obviously can't hire her."

"Why not?" I asked. "She's exactly what we're looking for."

"Couldn't you guys tell? Are all of you blind? It was obvious how much she digs me."

"I'm willing to give her a chance to work through it," I said.

"OK," replied Knox. "But I won't be held responsible for her li'l hormones and feelings and flirtations and desires and subtle innuendos when she's around me."

"Trust me, Knox, we'll do our very best to keep her away from you."

And so, beginning with our next issue, you will be seeing traces of our newly acquired feminine side creeping into the Follies. Welcome aboard, Ashby!

Effeminately,

me

As if pedophile priests weren't enough to worry about, now altar boys even have to worry about getting the fire of religion in them!

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Fogie, as if the drain on society wasn't bad enough already, according to several studies in the Archives of Ophthalmology, as the 77 million baby boomers begin reaching retirement age society will be faced with a growing number of people who are blind. -Andy
[And that's not just morally but culturally.]

TRAGEDY HAS STRUCK FOGIE! Victoria's Secret is dropping its televised fashion show this year! Can you mount a protest in the Follies? -Walt
[Don't worry, Walt... to appease its faithful fans, they'll run next year's calendar in "Boy's Life Magazine."]

Dammit, Fogie! G. Dubbya screwed me up again! Fox rescheduled "American Idol" to air Bush's news conference Tuesday night. -Sandy
[What's the problem? Either way, it's amateur hour.]

What the hell is up with Tiger Woods trading in his golf clothes for a camouflage uniform and playing soldier at Ft. Bragg for a week of "military training?" -Wes
[He'll get the usual celebrity hands-on Iraq experience traversing an urban assault course, handling weapons, lying in a coffin...]

Why must you continue to attack the President? He is a caring and sincere man and you would know that if you listened to his speech when he said, "Obviously every day I pray there is less casualty, but I know what we are doing in Iraq is right." -Richard
["If not my grammar."]

Will we ever get the space shuttle flying again? Should we? A new report states that many NASA workers are still afraid to speak up about safety concerns. -Susan
[Like disintegrating heat panels... malfunctioning ailerons... being in the National Guard...]

Stay on Bush's ass, Fogie! He is sending children to die daily in this modern day Vietnam! Among the surging number of troops killed in action in Iraq this month were five 18-year olds! -Carol
[No prob for the administration, though. None of them was carrying an unborn fetus.]

Fogie -- I have an idea for the nation's obesity problem. All overweight people should get a case of whatever Ashcroft had which required the removal of his gallbladder. Ashy said he lost 20 pounds because of the illness. -Tommy
[His strength was effected, too. Now he can only thump an abridged bible.]

I'm going to keep sending these until you publish them! -Linda
[I swear to God, Linda, if you keep sending them I will expose you for the sicko you are! For the last damned time I WILL NOT PUBLISH THAT CRAP! Last week you were "Monica" and you've called yourself every other name you could think of trying to trick me. Trust me, in this battle of intelligence, you are completely disarmed! I have booted you from the list about ten times; DON'T COME BACK!!!]

I hate you Fogie. I hate you because you're the person I want to be. I wish I could be you. Not for a day but for a lifetime. I wish I could sit at my pc and wait for subscribers to send me stuff. I am not you Fogie and I never will be. Blind follower assassinations and decapitations of the mindless are your business and you do it well. You are the reason that the internet is what it is today Fogie. You give people a reason to keep living. I know that when I read the idiocies sent to you I can say to myself, well at least im not that bad. Thank you Fogie for what you have done and continue to keep doing. You are one of a kind and nobody could ever take your place. Not even for a day. -Steve
[That brought a freakin' tear to my eye.]

Just behind the Masque is an evil that you just want to take into your soul and hold within the sensual darkness of the desecration of forbidden lust. -A-1 Evil Dude
[Yeah, I was just telling Mrs. Fogie that.]

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