Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

June 14, 2004

Subscribe>>>

Subscribe to the Follies for FREE for content reserved exclusively for members! View Privacy Policy

[Humor for your low-carb lifestyle.]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! Driving around town last Sunday, as the church bells rang out, I was reminded of my dear old grandmother, since passed. A few years ago upon hearing that my elderly grandfather had just passed away, I went straight to my grandparent's house to visit and try and comfort my 92-year-old grandmother. When I inquired how my grandfather had died, Gram replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex Sunday morning." Horrified I told my grandmother that I just couldn't picture two people nearly 100 years old having sex and it surely had to be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, we loved it!" replied Gram. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age was gonna be a hindrance, I figured out the best time to do it was on Sunday when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm for your granddad. Nice and slow and even and worked just fine. Nothing too strenuous, simply keep the rhythm of the ding and the dong." As I looked on slightly stupefied at the revelations of my diminutive, saintly grandmother's penchant for sex, she paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!" Tollingly, me

A guy and his faithful pup take a ride out to Jack-in-the-Box for a burger and fries. But it turns out to be a fry day "out".

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

Moses to God: "Let me get this straight. The Arabs get all the oil and we get to cut the ends off our what?"

Mr. and Mrs. Smith are getting ready for bed. Mrs. Smith is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Memorial services for Mr. Smith will be held on Saturday.

"President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously."
~Jay Leno

"With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something."
~Craig Kilborn

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off."
~Jay Leno

A White House spokesmen said the President fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband."
~Jimmy Kimmel

"First Kerry, now Bush. You know if Ralph Nader can just stay away from sporting equipment for like five months, he could win this election by default."
~Jay Leno

"Our president fell off of his bike and today declared war on gravity. Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented. To add insult to injury only 41 percent approved of the way Bush got back on the bike."
~Craig Kilborn

"Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch — the environment hurting Bush."
~Jay Leno

Calif. Man Sentence for Attacking Parrot

NEWPORT BEACH, Calif. - A man who attacked his pet macaw, breaking its beak and leg, must complete 120 days of community service and take anger management classes, a judge ruled Friday.

Anthony James Ellis, 53, had been sentenced to 120 days in jail but Orange County Superior Court Judge Susanne Shaw said she would allow him to complete the sentence as community service. Shaw also ruled that Ellis must pay $3,577.26 in restitution for surgery and care of the bird and cannot have pets or consume alcohol during three years of probation.

Ellis was convicted April 27 of felony animal cruelty and abuse of an animal. Witnesses testified that Ellis punched the bird — named "Johnny" — and slammed its head against the deck of his boat outside the Newport Harbor Elks Lodge, where the parrot was the mascot. Ellis testified that the bird, which he had owned for 11 years, was injured after it bit him on the arm and he fell down, and that witnesses outside the lodge misunderstood what they saw.

The parrot survived the March 2003 attack and was adopted by an animal care agency.

[Polly want a band aid?]

Donald Trump's hit new show The Apprentice is the talk of the water coolers. Now you can be the one who gets to say "YOU'RE FIRED!" with our new bumper stickers. Get yours today, supplies are limited. Click here!

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Barbara had always been proud of her family's tradition. Her ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and had included many prominent individuals from Wall Street and political life. Barbara decided to compile a family history as a legacy for their children and heirs. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author she hired said he could handle the story tactfully, When the book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

Dream Scopes

What do your dreams mean? Find out here.

http://www.lionart.com/dreams.htm

The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy

10) Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

9) His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"

8) Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

7) Does an extensive search for cavities... dental and body.

6) He... ummm... licks his tools clean.

5) Gets ticked when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.

4) When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.

3) Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

2) Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

1) Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

Thanks to The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
Copyright by Chris White

You can gripe all you want about the Prez you whiney loser. but can you imagine the crap we'd be in without the leadership he has shown? What if we had actually elected that wimp Gore that your team put up? -Gene
[Back in 2000, Republicans warned me that if I voted for Al Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we'd lose millions of jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what? I did vote for Gore, he did win, and I'll be damned if all those things didn't come true.]

Dearest Fogie, You DO kinda sound like that guy Steve. Only usually with a wider variety of more disgusting language. But that's when you make all your female readers hot. Isn't that right, ladies? They wish. -Lisa
[Dear Lisa, I've seen this kind of thing before. When women don't get enough sex in their lives they start to fantasize that somebody gives a rat's butt about their opinions.]

The reason why we had WWI and WWII was because we waited too long to deal with people like Hussein. 12 years ago, he invaded a small country... and if we wouldn't have stopped him, who knows what he would have control of today. The 60's are over... quit trying to be some poetic hippie. If you ask any of them, they didn't know what the hell they were talking about back then. -Dustin
[Who's "we", Crap-for-brains? It was the United Nations that acted in the 1991 Gulf War (granted, the U.S. did most of the fighting).]

So would you have us wait until Sadaam and asses like him are here in the U.S. wreaking havoc? My nephew is one of the countless soldiers sent to Iraq and while I fear for his safety I am also DAMN PROUD of him. Try showing some support for our men and women over in Iraq or anywhere who put their lives on the line! Perhaps you should consider moving to one of those countries that lack the guts to stand up to Hussein and do something about his twisted reign of terrorism. You would fit right in! -Lori
[a) The number is far from countless. The number is, in fact, more like 250,000. Why don't you try reading a damn newspaper, dimwit. b) Our job as Americans is to make sure that the government is running the country the way the people want it run. Not the way the government wants it run. c) Bite me.]

Maybe we should have waited until Saddam dropped another planeload of civilians into another US building. Or worse. Don't pretend to be more of a pundit than you are. Stick to the coprolalia. At least you're halfway decent at that.
[Dear Wussy who didn't sign a name, this is exactly the kind of disinformation that pin-heads like you love to spread because you have no grasp of reality. The 9/11 terrorist attacks were executed by Al-Qaeda, which was organized and funded by Osama Bin Laden and operated out of Afghanistan under the Taliban, which is no longer in existence. How in God's name did the attacks on 9/11 come to have anything to do with Iraq?]

Fogie, I need some advice. My wife absolutely refuses to indulge my foot fetish. What do you think? -Allen
[Perhaps she's lick-toes intolerant.]

Fogie: I'm tired of both Bush and Kerry. In fact I'm tired of all you men in political power around the world. Men just keep screwing things up and waging war probably based on your fundamental need to be macho. I think it's time we elected a woman as president. Perhaps then we can truly have peace in the world. -Lindsey
[You may be right that the advantage of having a woman as president could mean no wars, but I'm betting that every 28 days we have REALLY intense negotiations.]

i love girls... watching girls shopping at the mall, chatting on line with girls SO BRING IT ON GIRLS. My guy just left me to go south for a few week without telling me or taking me so to HELL with him. -Bad Kenda
[Hmm, your guy takes a trip w/out you so now you're lesbian. Kind of far to go to make a point don't ya think?]

We enjoy many aspects of sex... from mild to wild! Kinky and have fetsishes also! -Chris & Elaine
[Kinky AND fetishes?!? So, instead of just using feathers you use the whole chicken?]

Did you hear about the girl that was dyslectic and anorexic?

Every time she ate a big meal she'd stick her finger up her butt.

If every OREO cookie eaten in a given year were dunked, cows would have to work overtime to produce the extra 42.2 million gallons of milk needed to accommodate the extra dunkers.

Brattled

The unsettling feeling, at a stoplight, that the busload of kids that just pulled up beside you is making fun of you.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

[Home] [Archives] [The Crew] [Member Area] [Folly Fru-Fru] [Pull Fogie's Finger] [Contact Us] [Support Us]

The content of this web-site -- graphics, text and other elements -- is made up of original material, items submitted by readers and content considered, to the extent of the publisher’s knowledge, to be in the public domain. The publisher strives to give proper credit to the originator of all content where known. If you believe this site contains material for which you own the copyright and/or credit has not been duly given to the originator, please contact the publisher at publisher@fogiesfollies.com.

Fogie's Follies® “R” and “NC17” versions are not intended for readers under 18 years of age.