It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets and, when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also, being a practical leader, he decided to seek advice from experts. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it still going to be a cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter.

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" he asked for a third time.

"Absolutely," the weatherman replied. "In fact, it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever!"

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are gathering wood like crazy!"

I explained to the proctologist that my wife and I were making love on the couch and the channel changer just got in the way, but he said the odds were pretty remote.

"The U.S. has handed sovereignty over to the new Iraqi government two days earlier than expected in an effort to surprise insurgents and confuse its critics. By the same reasoning, the Bush administration is now trying to hold U.S. elections sometime in late October."
      ~Jake Novak

"The news that insurance company Lloyd's of London insures chest hair has celebrities rushing to sign up. Among those whose pelts are now covered are Tom Selleck, Ed Asner, Alec Baldwin and Martha Stewart."
      ~Brad Osberg

"Former President Ronald Reagan's son, Ron Reagan Jr., has attacked President Bush saying he made a terrible mistake in Iraq. President Bush is furious! He said, 'What does the son of a former President know about Iraq?!'"
      ~Jay Leno

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LOS ANGELES - Hollywood residents and businesspeople tired of being in the silly-string crossfire every Halloween have asked the city to ban the colorful streams of compressed foam.

Councilman Tom LaBonge, whose district includes part of Hollywood, initially sought a complete ban but later opted to focus on Halloween, when residents complain the streets get jammed with silly-string slingers.

LaBonge said the non-biodegradable foam can fall into storm drains and harm marine life, and also can endanger police, particularly those on horseback.

On Friday, without debate, a Los Angeles City Council committee asked the city attorney's office to prepare an ordinance that eventually will be put to a vote before the council.

Several other communities, including Santa Clarita and New Orleans, have restrictions against the use of silly string.

[Let's make a deal with Hollywood... The ban on Silly String in exchange for a ban on crappy movies and reality TV shows.]

Donald Trump's hit new show The Apprentice is the talk of the water coolers. Now you can be the one who gets to say "YOU'RE FIRED!" with our new bumper stickers. Get yours today, supplies are limited. Click here!

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been ?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And, my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions. First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"

Just enter your zip code and see a three-week forecast for the mosquito activity in your area.

http://pollen.com/skeeterbites/forecast.asp

15> The warm glow of knowing that your years of dedication to the company have given you the opportunity to earn overtime as a valet at the CEO's fund raiser for George W. Bush.

14> Lack of a single "boss" figure makes for plenty of potential targets when you finally snap.

13> Even if union power keep slipping, SPCA rules still apply.

12> Years of calculating minuscule raises have radically sharpened the math skills.

11> You've gotten so good at pretending to be busy that you're considering a run for public office.

10> Through your employee pension plan stock options, you now own .00000000000000001% of a congressman!

9> If you're not stoked over the executives' all-expense paid Bermuda vacation, you're just not grasping the concept of "trickle-down morale."

8> Being addressed by name and personally recognized for your accomplishments is for sissies.

7> Important brain-space is freed up for concentrating on football stats and "Baywatch" re-runs.

6> Six 16-hour days of programming always followed by a conjugal visit.

5> The never-ending amusement of seeing how many times you can work the phrase 'cwazy wabbit' into corporate documents without it being noticed.

4> Your company's HMO has now taken penicillin off the experimental drug list.

3> Road to Hell seems much more pleasant when riding in a new Lexus SUV.

2> Comforting realization that the CEO's wallet is so fat, you're not actually kissing his butt.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Fringe Benefit of Being a Cog in the Corporate Machine...

1> A paycheck and a chance to pee in a cup!

Thanks to The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
Copyright 1999, 2004 by Chris White

Testicle

A humorous question on an exam.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me