Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

July 28, 2004

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[Leaves a shine with no waxy buildup!]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! Knox stumbled into my office this morning. "Since you used to be a lawyer, Fogie, I was wondering if you could give me some legal advice." "Sure, man. What's up?" I inquired. "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat." "Yes, that's true," I said. "Well, I'm interested in suing too." "Okay, McDonald's or the tobacco companies?" I asked. "Neither," Knox replied. "I want to sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with." Litigiously. me

Would you like to make new friends? Would you like to laugh till your
sides hurt? How about some neat gifs or jpgs? Recipes we share also.
Come join our Fun and share smiles with us. A kid-friendly group! We
have something there for each member of your Family. Hoping you visit us
real soon!!!

Graphic-Sites-N-More@yahoogroups.com

When you choose a profession, make sure you're the right type for the job. This is especially true for those ladies in the, er, entertainment industry.

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man responded, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me my money."

Mud Puddle
Come splash with us here in Mudville
one email a day 5 days a week
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Judging from the honks, flipped-birds and jeers of "dumbass!" from the other drivers, not everyone thinks it's a marvelous night for a moondance.
-Brad Simanek, www.slightlyamusing.com

"Presidential candidate Ralph Nader has chosen his candidate for vice president. In a related story a tree fell in a forest and no one was there to hear it."
~David Letterman

"Doctors say they've broken a record by successfully impregnating a woman with sperm that was originally frozen in 1981. The pregnancy was a complete success, other than the fact that the baby only wants to hear music by Journey and REO Speedwagon."
~Jake Novak

"Cracker Jacks was dropped by the New York Yankees concession stands last week after a century. The charm of the surprise inside has worn off. You never know these days if it's going to be a corked bat, a juiced ball, or a positive steroid test."
~Argus Hamilton

Oops, Wrong Car. Sorry.

BERLIN - A German woman became so furious after a fight with her husband she stormed out of the house armed with a hammer and smashed up his car -- before realizing she had vandalized the wrong vehicle, police said Wednesday.

The 43-year-old from Essen, western Germany, told police she shattered the windshield, broke the headlights and wrenched off the wing mirrors, causing more than $1,200 in damage, because she was filled with rage after a telephone quarrel.

After going back indoors she realized she had battered the wrong car. Only noticing the color, she had attacked her neighbor's blue Opel Corsa and not the blue Ford Fiesta belonging to her spouse.

[Has anyone else noticed that a number of Notorious News articles have come from Germany and seem to involve females going ballistic? What's up with all you crazy German chicks?]

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."

Donald Trump's hit new show The Apprentice is the talk of the water coolers. Now you can be the one who gets to say "YOU'RE FIRED!" with our new bumper stickers. Get yours today, supplies are limited. Click here!

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Steve's Ant Farm

A site dedicated to ants and ant farms. Click the link below to check out the ant farm movie.

http://www.stevesantfarm.com/p45.html

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[A couple of years ago, IBM rolled out a Web-enabled clothes laundry machine. We're not sure whatever happened to the idea, but here are... ]

Signs You're Using a Web-Enabled Laundry Machine

Hackers steal your credit card number to boost Twix bars and Diet Mountain Dew from vending machines in Delaware.
The first successful washing-machine virus just had to hit you -- and it's called "pink.BVDs."
Your fancy monograms have been replaced by "ALL YOUR BRAS BELONG TO US!"
Forensic analysis of stains on your laundry e-mailed to your wife during the spin cycle.
Every time it hits the spin cycle, it offers to sell you pictures of Cindy Margolis' laundry.
Your wash takes four hours because the machine is spending all its time on www.sluttytoasters.com.
Then: someone roots your IIS, you spend six hours cleaning up your file system. Now: someone roots your IIS, you spend six hours cleaning up your basement.
Teenagers in Japan are drooling as they watch your panties go through the spin cycle.
Thirty-two frantic e-mails telling you that your red hat is in with your whites.
Weird fetish sites pop up, like FogiesDirtySocks.com.
Your wet clothes are not compatible with this particular model of dryer.
For an extra $9.95, barely legal teens fluff your drawers.
"Open the washing compartment lid, Hal."
"I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that."
Just one sheet with a wet spot and you're on dozens of porn mailing lists.
The machine separates colors for you -- into 16,777,216 separate loads.
Suddenly your shorts are hit by the "Brown Strip Of Death."

Thanks to The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
Copyright 2002 by Chris White

On Fogie's Folly regarding "Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling's pregnancy...

Somebody stop J.K. Rowling! I like her, she's hot. But this has gone too far. -Joe
[What's gone too far? The books or the babies?]

What is a "harry potter"???? A cartoon? -Ezra in AZ
[You gotta be kidding! How are things on Mars?]

SHE SHOULD BE WRITING, NOT HAVING SEX! -Allie, MA
[What the hell has one got to do with the other?!? Please tell me you're not breeding.]

Re: Hormonal-influenced Harry Potter. hmmm... male, 40ish, and undoubtedly married to a woman that thinks she made a mistake and that you are a loser. -Jane, Portland, OR
[Probably the saddest thing to watch is someone who lost their self-esteem and attempts to get it back by insulting other people. Er, wait a minute...]

J.K. Rowling is a satanic devil! God will punish her for her myth using and such, making a mockery of God. The only magic is God, everyone else will burn in hell! -Claude
[On behalf of Satanists everywhere, I bestow upon you Hell's highest honor... DUMBASS.]

Harry Potter is a comic book compared to the great literary works of Dickens, HG Wells, Dahl, JRR Tolkien... Rowling is nothing more then a money grubbing whore and her books read like comics compared to the best children's authors. -Derek
[No offense, but I can't think of any 8-year-olds who wait for hours outside to get a Charles Dickens book and go home and read the whole thing in one sitting. I think it's great that young children are opting to read these books instead of resorting to video games. I think it opens a door of opportunity to kids so that they will continue reading. Perhaps you just resent her success, just like all the other embittered losers who are too lazy to get out of their BarcaLoungers and make something of themselves. Why don't you put down that can of Pabst and your latest copy of Jugs magazine and pick up a pencil. Then maybe you can be a rich and famous author, too!]

My sister writing a thesis was WORK. Though she enjoyed the material, it's work. Kids (and adults) are being dumbed-down by this kind of writing. Where's the education in it?? Sure it's reading but test scores aren't getting any better..kids still have poor grammar and writing skills..Harry Potter hasn't done anyone any good except for Ms. Rowling and her bank account. It's incredible that she is being honored for making kids read again...if she wrote about history or real-life, we can talk. I just find it disturbing. Why don't we award the CEO of Sony for developing the Playstation game console and for getting our kids to sharpen their hand-eye coordination?? Same fricking thing. It's all in the packaging. -Laura
[Damn straight! 8-year-olds should be reading Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Tolstoy, Homer and Plato!]

Regarding the news story "Hollywood Calls for Silly String Ban"...

They SHOULD ban silly string. That stuff is EXTREMELY flammable. One cigarette and WHOOSH! Someone goes up in flames. That stuff is dangerous. FIRST! -Tom
[Used to be flammable. Not now. So lets review! Since your flammable argument has now been extinguished do you have another? Or did I throw cold water on your other arguments. Are you aflame with anger? Maybe I should just cool down; no sense stoking the flames. I just become an inferno sometimes. I just feel so put out now.]

If Silly String is outlawed, only outlaws will have Silly String. -Sandra, Tampa, FL
[They'll take my Silly String from me when they pry it from my cold, dead hands!]

Ahhh, come on this is silly! Pardon the pun, but its harmless. Eggs and shaving cream do damage to car paint. Silly string doesnt harm anything. Its fun for the kids. And a tradition. -Melissa
[I agree. I'm gonna vote for the guy who puts forth legislation to ban banning.]

They can have their SillyString ban if they promise to keep Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck and Paris Hilton away from the entertainment business and out of public view. -Steve
[Preaching to the choir, brother.]

Now I understand why Californians are so screwed up; it's the Californian Politicians. -Nancy
[I think the current correct term is "Girlie Men".]

Pretty soon they'll be banning Christmas lights... What is our country coming to? Let's ban this - let's ban that... Some of these people must lie awake at night thinking of things to ban just for the hell of it. -Anne
[And they say fascism is dead.]

What the hell is up with this? This makes no sense at all, if you are a business man out on halloween night when silly string is being used that is your problem not OURS. We are teenagers and we can and we will have fun, if it is made against the law oh well we will still do it. -Austin
[Surely not!!! I mean pot is against the law and nobody smokes it any more.]

General comments...

The Canadians are at it again... their postal service persuaded Pet Valu stores to stop carrying Bark Bar dog bisquits shaped like cats and mailmen... lol. -Herb
[Upon hearing this bit of news, the Pentagon canceled orders for crackers included in MRE's shaped like Iraqi civilians.]

The FBI and the State Department are sending 100 to 200 agents to the Olympic Games. Why does our government have to provide security for the Olympics? Shouldn't Greece be responsible instead of the American people having to spend their tax dollars? -William
[You've misunderstood their purpose, Bill. These agents are expected to compete in several events designed to best showcase their talents, including the 400 Meter Flawed Intelligence Medley Relay, the Break Down the Door of Innocent Civilians Midnight Marathon and the 50 meter Hop, Skip and Overlook Suspicious Iranians In Florida Flight Schools.]

I just read that Bush discussed counterterrorism plans with visiting Romanian Prime Minister Adrian Nastase. What the hell does Romania know about terrorism and what possible means do they have to help? -Tara
[Sadly, at the conclusion of their meeting, G. Dubbya asked Nastase to personally convey his best wishes to the Holy Father upon his return home.]

Britney Spears says she'd like to have four or five children. We really don't need her procreating, do we? -Chris,Columbus, GA
[Hey, maybe this will catch on among her nubile bubblegumming fans... Have the same number of kids as books you've read.]

I've noticed that the Hispanic vote seems to be of primary concern to both parties this year. This would seem to favor the dems since according to a survey Kerry holds a 2-1 lead over Bush among Hispanics. -Paula
[In fact, they have a pet name for the little loco gringo... "Pinata."]

Bush says that he is tough on crime. But, according to a Justice Department report, his home state of Texas (where he was governor!) leads the nation with 534,260 people on probation or parole. Doesn't sound like he's so tough after all. -Warren
[In all fairness to the Lone Star State, many Texans consider just living there a form of parole.]

Polar bears are left handed.

Rectitude

The formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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