In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "Thoap!"

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"John Kerry speaks French, but he tries to avoid it. So, if a reporter asks him questions in French he'll pretend like he doesn't understand. Bush, on the other hand, has the same problem with English."
      ~David Letterman

"You ever take a good look at Ralph Nader? Don't you think he looks like Kerry if you left him in the dryer for couple of days?"
      ~Jay Leno

UNIONTOWN, Pa. - Something smelled rotten when Michael Hanczyk showed up in court to fight a drunken driving charge. Authorities say it was the booze on his breath.

A judge stopped a hearing Tuesday and ordered the 42-year-old Hanczyk to take a field sobriety test after he and others said they smelled alcohol on Hanczyk's breath.

"Everyone smelled him," said district attorney Nancy Vernon.

A breath test indicated that Hanczyk had a blood alcohol content of 0.296 percent, more than three times the state's legal limit, Vernon said.

Fayette County Judge John Wagner Jr. threatened to put Hanczyk in jail for 30 days for contempt of court, but then said he would wait for a blood test. Hanczyk was taken to a hospital and the hearing was rescheduled.

Hanczyk's attorney, Daniel Hargrove, did not immediately return a phone call seeking comment late Tuesday.

Hanczyk was charged with drunken driving after a July 8, 2003, accident in Henry Clay Township, near the West Virginia border.

Police said Hanczyk suddenly stopped his car, setting off a chain-reaction crash with two other vehicles. After two troopers reported smelling alcohol on Hanczyk, he refused to take a field sobriety test but later agreed to take a blood test, which indicated he was drunk, authorities said.

But Hargrove sought to have the charge dismissed, saying police didn't have probable cause to arrest Hanczyk because he was driving safely.

["Order in the court!" "Yeah, I'll have a double scotch, straight up, yer honor."]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

( And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel and Win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...

W I N A B A G E L

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http://www.candygenius.com/letter.html

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20> Survivor Virus -- Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

19> Dan Quayle Virus -- Destroys all the files stored on your Etch-a-Sketch.

18> Elian Virus -- You can't decide what to do with it, until finally the Janet Reno Virus kicks in your door and deletes it.

17> Jiminy Cricket Virus -- Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.

16> Jennifer Lopez Virus -- Adjusts screen so that you see a lot of words, but not the ones you really want to see.

15> Microsoft Virus -- Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name "Windows 98."

14> Al Gore Virus -- Claims that it IS the internet.

13> Pat Buchanan Virus -- Splits otherwise healthy drive into two meaningless parts. Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.

12> Tiger Woods Virus -- Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.

11> Wonderbra Virus -- Results in overflow stack.

10> O.J. Virus -- Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2004" instead.

9> Salvador Dali Virus -- Replaces motherboard with flaming liquid fur which can only be removed by driving a large carpenter's nail through the casing.

8> Britney Spears Virus -- Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.

7> Firestone Virus -- Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

6> Kurt Cobain Virus -- Deletes itself before it has a chance to do anything important.

5> IHATEYOU Virus -- Emits shrill scream from speakers when you refuse to buy the new computer game that "all the other computers at school already have."

4> John Rocker Virus -- Re-categorizes everything on your computer into a few simple folders.

3> Kursk Virus -- Crashes your subroutines, then blocks calls to the Help Desk.

2> George W. Virus -- Causes your CPU to keep executing and executing and executing....

1> Boulder Police Virus -- Can't even find your computer.

Thanks to The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
Copyright by Chris White

Flubbergasted

Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me