Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

August 11, 2004

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Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! The following steps trace the process by which a paternal proclamation becomes law in the Fogie household. Step One: The father of the house issues an executive order that all Saturday activities will be suspended until the garage is cleaned up. Step Two: The children form a committee and produce a report, finding the order totally unconstitutional because it violates the "Cruel and Unusual" clause. Step Three: The committee report is voided by paternal declaration. Step Four: The ruling is appealed under the "This is stupid, nobody else has to do this kind of stuff" doctrine of the "Equal Protection" clause. Specific examples are cited of other children who are not cleaning their garages. Step Five: The "nobody else has to" doctrine is rejected as having no bearing on the case. Step Six: Each child petitions, separately, for relief under the "why do I have to do it, none of it is my junk" theory. Step Seven: The father rules that the individuals of the household are a family, that the junk belongs to the family, and that the family has the responsibility of cleaning it up. Step Eight: The children attempt to stay the executive order by evading the subpoena. Step Nine: The father retrieves the children from their bedrooms and declares "notice properly served". Step Ten: The children plead pre-existing obligations that preempt the paternal proclamation. Rep. Josh is due at a soccer game, Rep. Terry has to go to the mall, and Rep. Chris is "yeah, me, too". Step Eleven: Clarification is sought from Rep. Chris on which of the two lame excuses is "yeah, me, too": soccer game or the mall? Step Twelve: Rep. Chris says, "The mall." Step Thirteen: The father rules the mall cannot preempt the garage cleanup. Step Fourteen: Rep. Chris says, "I meant the soccer game." Step Fifteen: The father rules the soccer game cannot preempt the garage cleanup. Step Sixteen: Rep. Kelsey cites diplomatic immunity as a princess and seeks asylum with the mother. Step Seventeen: A treaty is reached with Princess Kelsey that asylum will be granted on the condition that she assists the mother with the production and subsequent exportation of cookies. Step Eighteen: The remaining children pass a resolution that the father is the meanest man in the world and request nullification of the blatantly unfair Kelsey Treaty. Step Nineteen: The father agrees to accept the "meanest man" amendment, but vetoes the vote on the Kelsey Treaty citing exigent circumstances of age, size and the "daddy's little girl" doctrine, and calls for an end to the debate. Step Twenty: The children submit an emergency appeal on the grounds that there might be mice living in the garage. Step Twenty-One: The father issues an executive decree that he has authority over all rodents and that there are no mice in the garage. Step Twenty-Two: The children move for dismissal, claiming they are exempt because they have homework to do. Step Twenty-Three: The father consults the official Fogie family calendar and determines the children are on summer break and school doesn't start for another week. Step Twenty-Four: The children file a grievance with the Supreme Court of the house: the mother. A restraining order is sought, prohibiting enforcement of the father's executive order on the grounds that he never listens, he is ruining our lives, he's mean, and if he really wants the garage cleaned up "why doesn't he do it himself". Step Twenty-Five: A constitutional crisis is averted when the mother hands down a decision supporting the father's right to order the children to clean up the garage. Step Twenty-Six: The children declare themselves no longer members of the family. As stateless persons, they are not subject to parental authority. Step Twenty-Seven: The father agrees to expedite the emigration of each child on the date they achieve their majorities. Until the parents are released by the laws of the State of Tennessee from their obligations, however, the family members are stuck with each other without relief of secession. Meanwhile, the father identifies further sanctions to be imposed upon delay of compliance with his order, including suspension of telephone, Playstation and computer privileges. Step Twenty-Eight: The teenagers file a brief, equating the embargoes with capital punishment. Step Twenty-Nine: The father further suspends all travel visas until the garage is clean. Step Thirty: The children petition for relief from further sanctions by agreeing to clean up the garage. Thus, with these simple 30 steps, a bill moves through the checks and balances; and becomes law. Legislatively, me

With large sums of money being offered by news shows and real video programs, it's a good idea to always have that camcorder handy. Of course it helps to actually have the batteries charged.

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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I have a theory that all traffic lights are secretly synchronized -- you just have to drive fast enough. Testing this theory has lead me to develop a second theory: Most police officers are NOT men of science.
~Paul Wiley

Thanks to Ruminations http://www.ruminate.com/
© 1998-2004 by Chris White

Bill Clinton is everywhere now promoting his new book. I believe the last time Clinton did a media blitz like this it was to deny everything that's in this book.
~David Letterman

I'm sure you've heard that a Northwest Airline flight landed at the wrong airport in South Dakota. President Bush said he had a similar experience once. He was flying to the National Guard facility in Alabama and his plane landed in Hawaii! It was the weirdest thing...
~Jay Leno

Donald Trump announced he is selling an old seventy-two story office building in lower Manhattan for four hundred million dollars. This will not surprise you. He is leaving it for a younger building with a cuter abutment.
~Argus Hamilton

Clown Not Laughing Over Stolen Truck

ALTOONA, Iowa - A clown isn't finding much to smile about after someone stole his clown car. Delmer Jefferson, drove the miniature, bright yellow tow truck in parades. But on July 5, someone stole the truck from a parking lot.

"I'm heartbroken," said Jefferson, whose been a clown for the Shriners for more than 30 years. "I can't replace it. And it's not worth anything to anyone else. It's a clown car."

Police Det. Jason Ferguson said the theft is under investigation.

"This thing is so unique," Ferguson said. "What would anyone do with it?"

[Later, police spotted the vehicle and pulled it over. The officer told the occupants to get out of the vehicle and 50 people came out. He was forced to arrest them all for disobeying his order that "no one do anything funny".]

~Cartoons~

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A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else. Whereas the other guys would only catch three or four fish a day, Sam would come in from the lake with a boat full of fish. Stringer after stringer was packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe.

So the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple: He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it into the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.

Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam, "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words: "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says,"That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped."

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 6 seconds the speedometer reads 60mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped. He looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.

Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.

The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my goodness! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."

What's That Stuff?

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[In the midst of an election year, DC Comics has announced the September product releases. Included is the trade paperback of COUP D'ETAT. If you don't follow that title, the super-powered team called The Authority takes control of the United States after the US government commits an interdimensional atrocity.

At the same time, DC is publishing issue one of a 12-part series called Revolution, in which the Authority has settled into its role as governing body of the United States. But many Americans are unhappy to lose their inalienable rights and it appears a second American Revolution might be brewing...]

The Top 20 Differences If Superheroes Ran the Government

20> We could finally lift the trade embargo with Cuba. Heck, we could lift Cuba.

19> After President Starfox, the Clinton Years are looked back on fondly as a time when the President knew how to behave himself.

18> The Secret Service isn't concerned with taking a bullet for the President -- they're more worried about bullets ricocheting off him.

17> Stringent new Federal sentencing guidelines for people convicted of secret-identity theft.

16> Lower Defense budgets, but the White House "permanent reconstruction fund" is huge!

15> The administration flies all over the country and the world, but Air Force One is never used.

14> President Punisher deploys every resource of the government to deal with whatever threats he perceives, regardless of due process or national sovereignty. So, no difference, really.

13> The trains would run on time. They would also be derailed daily by giant mutant ape-creatures and multi-limbed super-villains, but other than that, they'd run on time.

12> The threat of nuclear retaliation is replaced by the threat of sending Ambassador Bruce Banner for a visit.

11> Assassination does not necessarily end a president's term in office.

10> The First Amendment is changed to specifically exclude Black Bolt.

9> Kid sidekicks win the right to vote.

8> Miraclo is finally legalized, but there's now a mandatory life sentence for Kryptonite possession.

7> The Terror Alert system is now indicated by different colors of Kryptonite.

6> The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages is now a minor issue; the amendment to ban robot marriages is the big controversy.

5> Air Force One is replaced by piggyback rides from the Flash.

4> Florida citizens would accidentally vote for Hourman II when they wanted to vote for Hourman III, because the ballot was so darn confusing.

3> Legislation insures the right to bear arms includes power armor, blasters and proton cannons.

2> Filibusters are now ended with bolts of lightning from the heavens.

and the Number 1 Difference If Superheroes Ran the Government...

1> New Supreme Court appointees: Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles and Mercury.

On Fogie's Folly regarding the European Commission...

You only publish once in a while and the best you can do is a freakin' rerun?!? C'mon Fogie get it together and get back to putting out regular and FUNNY issues instead of this sporadic lame crap!!! -Charles
[Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?]

Mr. Fogie, I think you have used this one before. -Cheryl
[Are we talking about you or my Folly?]

Sometimes I get the feeling that you are trying to be funny. This is not one of those times. -Guy
[And sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.]

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. -Eddie
[If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.]

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. -Carol
[Little things affect little minds.]

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. -Karl, Germany
[And German is beautiful?!? It sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747.]

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of the phonetics of our language. -Glenda
[And my subscribers.]

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race. -Allen
[Which isn't a "race" at all... go figure.]

GUTEN JOBEN! -The Judge
[German is a language which was developed solely to afford the speaker the opportunity to spit at strangers.]

Regarding the news story "Oops, Wrong Car. Sorry."...

German Women need coaching... You do not attack the car, it's OFF with his privates. Hell hath no fury indeed. -Laura
[There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".]

The same thing happened to me except she wasn't mad, just a bad cook and she didn't bash my car... she burned a frozen pizza. -Todd
[But hey, that frozen pizza was worth more than a Ford Fiesta.]

Regarding the news story "DUI Defendant Comes to Court Drunk"...

I wonder how many priors he has? If this clown was loaded when he suddenly stopped for no reason and caused a wreck, then shows up in court at nearly .3, how many times in the past has he been popped for DUI? If he hasn't, it's a miracle AND a shame. If you can't stay off the sauce, stay out of the car. There are tools like this all over the country, and I sure as hell don't want my kids or myself to become one of their morbid statistics. -Norm
[You sound pretty torqued and stressed about this, Norm. Maybe you should have a drink.]

That's guts! This guy shows up hammered and doesn't give a damn. -Daria
[I'm bettin' that his urine is 80 proof.]

I saw it happen here too! I brought a friend to court in May and we saw a guy get pulled out of Court and given a breathalyzer. He failed. He claimed it was leftover from the night before. Must've been a pretty good night to still be over the limit at 9:30 a.m. Something tells me he might have a drinking problem. -Justin
[Do you suppose he ever wonders why the back of his head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat?]

I was drunk one time after attending a Sears Craftsman Tool convention but decided to drive home myself afterwards. I had picked up a really nice complimentary Phillips head screwdriver there - which I threw onto my front seat bench seat along with an open bottle of spirits. Sure enough, I got pulled over. The cop walked up, looked in my car window, saw the fancy Philips head and asked, "Screwdriver?" I stupidly replied, "No, gin-and-tonic." -Gary
[So, then you were a screwed driver, eh?]

As a lawyer, I can tell you that it happens quite frequently that people charged with DWI (and who are repeat offenders) either show up to their DWI hearings drunk or get pinched for DWI on their way home from court. These folks are usually hardcore alcoholics, and like birds fly, alcoholics drink, especially in stressful situations like going to court. -Jim
[I couldn't agree more. Hey! What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?]

My daughter works in the probation dept of Bloomfield Hills Mich court-this is very common. And the saddest is those who are struggling to stay on the straight and narrow and doing a good job but then have one bad day in court-they get so stressed out going before the judge and end up with 30 days or more. I wish there were a better way to help them. -Janet
[It just takes self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.]

An average pig squeals at a range from 100 to 115 decibels.

Abdicate

To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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