Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

October 15, 2004

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EDITOR'S NOTE: Well, kids, we're back after a six-week hiatus. But I don't want you to think that we were just playing golf or fishing or camping or vacationing or sunbathing or traveling or getting wasted or tailgating or riverboat gambling or rock climbing or that Knox was trying out penis enlargement techniques. Goodness no! We did a lot more than just that stuff! Once Ashby got the feel of the place (take that in any way you see fit) it was time for her to do what we hired her for in the first place -- get us organized so that we could get on a regular publishing schedule. Ashby has officially taken over as Managing Editor and, man, can she ever manage!!! I won't bore you with all the techie details about file servers and server-side-includes and all that crap! What I will tell you is that Ashby and Joe have gotten our files and servers organized and streamlined our workings to the point of enabling us to slam into your box on a regular basis. (Yeah, we know.) Most of the changes you won't even notice unless you're checking out our HTML coding, linking system or site file structures. If any of those are the case, then you are way to geeky for this publication and we must ask you to unsubscribe immediately! For the rest of you, what you will see is: Scheduled publication of new issues (Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays) Bringing the Archives up to date and republishing old issues (Tuesdays & Thursdays). There are three years worth of Follies to reformat so it will take us a while. But, there were also 120,000 less subscribers then so these will be new to them! Fru-Fru is back!!! Yep, the Folly Fru-Fru store has reopened with new designs and many more in the works! Just click on the link in the navigation bar, the ad below or here to check it out! The Crew page has been updated with new pics and updated bios. Our partnership with Gags Plus and Prank Place has been expanded to offer you anything and everything in pranks, gags, novelties and practical jokes. Check out the "Pull Fogie's Finger" link on the navigation bar, the ad below or click here. A search utility will be in place on Monday to search the current pages, the archives and the Folliers so that you can easily find that joke, list, pic or nekkid person you want to share with everyone at the office. Well, that sums up the major points. The bottom line is that we're trying to bring you a bigger, better, badder and REGULAR Follies. But even by our best estimates we never imagined that the growth would be as exponential as it has been. For that, we sincerely thank you for sharing us with your families, friends, coworkers and enemies and taking us from a li'l ol' bitch session on my part to a global humor movement. The growing pains have been difficult but are certainly a welcome thing and we're finally catching up our staff and equipment to handle the growth. Thanks again, Folliers, and... Have a very LARGE day! me

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! I drove down to my favorite coffee shop on Wednesday. I was only there for a few minutes, but when I came out, there was a police officer issuing a parking ticket. I walked right up to him and complained, "Come on, copper, how about giving a guy a break?" He glared at me over his ticket book and continued writing. So I called him a name, and it was not his surname. He glared at me again. "Geez," I moaned. "I'm out here bustin' my ass to pay my taxes that pay your salary and instead of chasing real criminals or eating donuts you got nothing better to do than try to meet your quota for the month." He then said he was adding a citation for "worn tires." So I upped the ante by telling him, "I'm going to sign a complaint against you for harassment. You targeted my car for a ticket just because it has a 'Flush the Johns!' sticker on it, you flatfoot." He replied by giving me his badge number, then called his dispatcher to see if the car had outstanding tickets -- which of course it did. With a big grin, he said to me, "Sir, you will have to find another ride home because I'm having this vehicle towed." So I snarled at him and walked around the corner and down the block to where my van -- the one with the Kerry-Edwards sticker on it -- was parked. Manipulatively, me

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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Alabama. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

President Bush announced that after the U.S. demolishes the despised Abu Ghraib prison, it would keep destroying buildings in Iraq until every structure in the country had been razed to rubble. Mr. Bush then said he would ask Congress for new appropriations to pay for the rebuilding of the demolished buildings, in the amount of one gazillion dollars. When asked how the United States would find money for such an ambitious reconstruction plan, the president replied, “Tax cuts.”
~Andy Borowitz

"The search engine Google went public with stock. The move made the founders of the company over $3 billion dollars. To give you an idea of how much money that is – it would take Donald Trump two weeks to lose that amount of money."
~Craig Kilborn

"If Lincoln were alive today he'd roll over in his grave."
~Gerald Ford

Pull Fogie's Finger!

We have teamed up with Prank Place and GagsPlus to bring you the web's largest collection of outrageous pranks, practical jokes, gag gifts and funny novelties. Although they have several items in common, each also carries its own unique products. So, be sure to check out both! Today's featured item...

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Doctor Says Woman Has Sleep-Sex Disorder

CANBERRA, Australia - A woman seduced and had sex with strangers while she slept and later had no recollection of her infidelities due to a sleeping disorder, her Sydney doctor said Thursday.

The middle-aged woman had no idea that she was sneaking from her house at night in search of sex with random strangers until her partner awoke, discovered she was missing from the bedroom, and found her having sex with another man, Royal Prince Alfred Hospital sleep medicine physician Peter Buchanan told The Sydney Morning Herald.

Her partner was already aware that she was a sleep walker and also had been confounded by condoms he found strewn around the house, Buchanan said.

Buchanan will discuss the case when he lectures on sleep sex — the disorder has yet to be given a formal title — at the Annual Scientific Meeting of the Australasian Sleep Association in Sydney at the weekend.

"It is very complex, elaborated motor behavior during sleep," Buchanan told Australian Broadcasting Corp. radio Thursday.

"People are often stunned and overwhelmed when they're told what they've been doing," he added.

The partners and doctors of people suffering from the disorder often do not believe the acts were committed while they slept, he said.

"It's very stressful both for them, for their partner or for their relationship," Buchanan said. "It also promotes an intense sense of embarrassment on their part, their partner's behalf and this inhibits people coming forward to seek potentially helpful professional intervention."

[Hmmm... Now, I'm no brain surgeon nor rocket scientist, but shouldn't the used condoms have been a good enough clue? We are dealing with one clever Aussie here, folks.]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane
mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they had nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great, no hangover, no bad side effects. Nothing at all.

Then the phone rings... its Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T! 'Cause I'm in PHOENIX!"

Petey was a snake, only so big. Petey lived in a pit with his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother said, "Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss." So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.

Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and hissed in the pit.

Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit and said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs. Pott's pit and hiss in her pit.

Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home so he hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in

Mrs. Pott's pit Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit.

She said, "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go to your own pit and hiss."

This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.

When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying and said, "Petey, what's the matter?"

Petey said, "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to hiss in her pit but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in her pit anyway. Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her pit and said, 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit go to your own pit and hiss, don't hiss in my pit.'"

This made Petey's mother very angry and she said, "Why that mean old Lady! I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to hiss in."

The Top 5 Things Overheard at the Presidential Debate

5> "... and a very special thanks to tonight's sponsors, Heinz and Halliburton."

4> "Who am I and why am I here?!?"
"Admiral Stockdale, please sit down."

3> "My opponent has more positions than the governor of New Jersey."

2> "And the winner of tonight's debate: Ken Jennings!"

and the Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Presidential Debate...

1> "Look out! It's Al Gore, and he's got a microphone!"

Thanks to The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com
Copyright 2004 by Chris White

Statue Molesters

Statue Molesters from all over the globe have submitted their strange adventures and more roll in nearly every day.

http://www.statuemolesters.com/

Fogie, did you watch the pathetic performance of the "dream team" at the olympics? -Mark
[Well, mark, there were several warning signs that the Dream Team would take up residence in Bronzeville:

Several players admitted they thought Games would be in Athens, Georgia.
Most undertook their quest for gold thinking Greece was a Broadway musical.
Plans were underway early to melt down gold medal for necklaces and bracelets.
Long-honored "no hookers on game day" rule ignored.
Too many tattoos.]

The days of any NBA stars assembling for a few days and enjoying international walkovers are over. The USA needs to reexamine its system for selecting and preparing its international teams. -Dave
[Not bad advice for the Pentagon and the White House, too.]

hey fogie, i didn't receive my follies for a while and i was just wondering what happened. please dont stop sending it. i need it like a crack addict needs crack. - Gothic Chick
[I love the glowing endorsements you guys give me.]

The world gets crazier every day, Fogie, and your attitude isn't helping. Charges of statutory sexual seduction face a local (El Cajon, CA) science teacher who trysted in a Vegas motel with one of her 15 year old students. - Rachel
[And his parents will administer disciplinary action as soon as they can wipe the smile off his face.]

My wife and I are both well-educated people except that we do like your publication! LOL!) and have been married for almost three years. We both have extremely high IQs, all our teeth, our own hair and pretty good bodies. - Mike
[So, other than your psychosis, pretty normal people then. Tell me, do you have to blow your wife up or is she one of those solid rubber kinds?]

Did you hear about the guy in jail that escaped by sawing his way through a wire fence using nothing but dental floss, toothpaste and unlimited patience. - Marcus
[Yeah... His name is Scott Brimble and he is now on the Ten Most Wanted list of the FBI and the American Dental Association.]

Fogie, dammit, I LOVE YOU! - Diane
[Yeah, what do you want from me?]

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Since housecats are clean and their coats are dry and glossy, their fur easily becomes charged with electricity. Sparks can be seen if their fur is rubbed in the dark.

Oyster

A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

From JibJab, the guys who brought you the hit sensation "This Land" comes the all-new political parody: Good to be in DC! Sing along with George Bush, John Kerry and a cavalcade of crazy characters like Dan Rather, Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore!

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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