Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

October 22, 2004

Subscribe>>>

Subscribe to the Follies for FREE for content reserved exclusively for members! View Privacy Policy

[I'm Fogie and I approved this ezine.]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! It's amazing to think about the evolution of mankind. Not in a Darwinian sort of way, but more the way the human race has adapted and overcome obstacles... particularly the way we have solved difficulties, tasks and hardships with our innovation, ingenuity and inventiveness. For example, millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. Then, one day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! Thus, this was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television. Neanderthally, me

Lead, FOLLY or get out of the way with Folly Fru-Fru!

Clothing, hats, mugs, mousepads, posters and more... some even have the soon-to-be-famous pic of Fogie himself. Now you can wish everyone a LARGE day!!! Today's featured item...

BDOE&Bz Boxers (w/ or w/out Fogie)

We strongly believe in truth in packaging. So, show your really close friends that this is the home of Big Daddy One Eye & the Boyz. Enjoy the comfort of our roomy 100% cotton, open fly boxers from Robinson Apparel. Great for underwear or nightwear. All printing is full of detail and color — and exceptionally fade resistant wash after wash. Elastic waist band.

Click here to get yours or check out our other Fru-Fru today!

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

I felt a bit uncomfortable when my wife took a job moonlighting at the local deli. Sure we can use the extra money she brings in, but that place is such a meat market.
~Brad Simanek

www.bradsimanek.com & www.slightlyamusing.com

"Al Gore says he’s launching a new "Bold and Irreverent" TV network aimed a people in their 20s. In other news Christina Aguilera is rumored to be launching her own network aimed at 'stiff, geeky ex-public officials in their 50s with too much time on their hands.'"
~Bruce Tinsley

"President Bush still says Iraq has weapons of mass destruction we never found. It sounds like he is back on those drugs he never did."
~Craig Kilborn

"According to USA Today, the Kerry campaign now has $28 million dollars in the bank. After hearing this, Mrs. Kerry said, 'That is so cute.'"
~Conan O'Brien

Pull Fogie's Finger!

We have teamed up with Prank Place and GagsPlus to bring you the web's largest collection of outrageous pranks, practical jokes, gag gifts and funny novelties. Although they have several items in common, each also carries its own unique products. So, be sure to check out both! Today's featured item...

REMOTE CONTROL BLOODY HAND

Make this disgusting hand move side to side with the wired remote control. The remote is attached to the hand, and offers two positions, allowing you to move the fingers to make it go to the left or the right. (Available at Prank Place)

Click here to get yours or check out other fun stuff today!

Man Uses Jail Account to Meet Women Online

EDWARDSVILLE, Ill. - A 20-year-old man has pleaded guilty to using the Madison County Jail's checking account number to help him meet women online.

David Wroten's sentence after he pleaded guilty Wednesday calls for him to be placed on probation for two years and repay the $39.95 of the jail's money he spent to join an online dating service.

Wroten was charged Sept. 27. A jail inmate on another charge, Wroten was issued a check upon his release for cash he had on him and turned over to the jail when he was booked into custody, Madison County Sheriff Robert Hertz said.

Wroten then took the account number from the check and gave it to the Internet dating service when he joined. The money was electronically transferred from the jail's account to the dating service.

The Bank of Edwardsville thought such a transaction was unusual and contacted the sheriff's department, which began investigating.

Subsequently, a sheriff's deputy went to the dating service's Web site and spotted Wroten's photograph, which was posted so prospective dates could get a look at him.

[I'm betting that what really tipped them off was using his mug shot for his profile page on the site.]

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

At the end of his rope, the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The Making of Lauren

Mannequin-makers go through a whole bunch of effort to turn a flesh-n-blood supermodel into a plastic one.

http://www.lgsculpture.com/makingoflauren/index.htm

[I thought supermodels were plastic already]

The Top 14 Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified

14> Resolves to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

13> Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."

12> His number 1 choice to work on his cabinet? "That Bob Vila guy."

11> Doesn't seem to understand that having been "held prisoner" in county lockup for two days for public urination does not make him a war hero.

10> Occasionally stops campaign speeches to ask, "Hey! Who's frying bologna in here?"

9> Supports NRA, because "'Straight Outta Compton' was dope!"

8> Outstanding record as governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

7> Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.

6> Still asks "The state or the DC thingie?" anytime somebody mentions Washington.

5> At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"

4> Attempts to use a lifeline on the very first question of the debate.

3> Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

2> Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified...

1> At press conferences, only calls on "the hot chick in the red dress" and "the whiny Jew in the back."

On Fogie's Folly regarding Bush vs. Kerry...

There aren't many Nutmeggers (people from Connecticut) with a Texas accent, and I, as well as the rest of the state, are firmly voting Kerry in. Color Connecticut solid BLUE on the voting map. Bush couldn't even run a baseball team, much less the U.S.A. You can almost see his puppet strings. -Peter, Farmington, CT, ready for that booth of voting
[Poor G. Dubbyanochio... he just wanted to be a real boy.]

You liberals are like locusts attempting to devour the political landscape interpreting and revising the U.S. constitution as it serves your interests. Republican conservatives are finally uniting to take a stand against the liberal tide, we have no choice, and if we stand still all of our rights will have been slowly taken away from us with liberals pushing their ideologies. We have had enough libs, we will win our fight with the re-election of President Bush and Republican candidates beyond 2004, these officials will appoint numerous conservative judges to the Supreme Court protecting the freedoms and laws that have served us well since the inception of our constitution. -Beth, Atlanta, GA
[Who's pushing ideologies?

The Right wants to amend the Constitution for further discrimination of same-sex couples.
The Right wants to continue the Bush Administration policy of FORCING countries to accept our political "ideologies".
The Right wants to push religion in the Pledge of Allegiance.
The Right wants the Judeo-Christian version of Creation taught in schools.
The Right wants our court system to embrace a religious ideology based on the biblical 10 Commandments.
The Right wants to embrace political fascism and corporate profits over the U.S. Constitution and civil liberties.]

How irresponsible of you! Your column reaches thousands of people and to present such a careless, unthinking, one-sided, skewed view of things in such an important election year is reckless. Your responsibility is to report things in an unbiased and fair manner. -Patty
[it's MY column. It's MY web site. It's MY company! Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.]

Typical liberal response to your readers emails. Liberals believe in freedom of speech, just as long as you agree with what they are saying. -Mike
[I NEVER said they did not have the right to say what they wanted; I printed them, didn't I? What I did say is that they were full of crap and lunacy. Don't I have the right to point that out?]

Regarding the news story "Doctor Says Woman Has Sleep-Sex Disorder"...

Oh Please, Gina! Having sex while you are asleep and not knowing it? This woman wasn't having sex in her house, but leaving her house, having conversations with men (probably in a noisy bar) and then going somewhere else to have sex? You may want your husband to believe this. Seems like there's trouble in paradise and looks like you want to try this excuse out for yourself. Listen wench, throwing food out of your icebox at home, cutting vegetables in your sleep at home, even "divorcing" your husband at home a few times is plausible. But to go out and get picked up by some guy and then having sex with him and all while you're asleep? This woman is nothing but a whore and needed an excuse. Try this on your lesbian friends. Maybe they'll believe it. I don't. -Vic
[I tired to warn you, Gina, about looking here for compassion. As for you, Vic, your ramblings make me suspect that your wife sleeps through sex with you.]

Gulliblehusband Syndrome... Slutolexia... Cantkeepmylegstogetheritis. What else can we call this? -Emery Ann, Mississippi
[The Follies rarely have "victims" - let's think of them as "pupils".]

Another thought - the way you describe it, the whole act (from your perspective) is a transaction: You say whatever she needs to hear. She give you her body. Why not have some pride in YOURSELF instead of always casting yourself in a begging, wheedling role. You know, men can command some respect too. Try putting a higher value on your own sexuality and being. Women DO want men. When you speak to a woman, try honesty instead of rehearsed deceit. -Warrier Femme, Australia
[Gullible real Austrailian Heros... Budweiser presents...

Real Australian heros!
Today we salute you, Miss Bloody Feminist.
You walk and leave a wake of jiggles in your path, only to get your man a beer
You don't stand in front of the TV during the football game unless you're wearing a thong at halftime.
You make women proud to be women, and have the confidence to know, if it comes to overtime, you will just have to wait.
So, today we salute you, Ms. Feminist, because, simply, I've had a few beers and just want sex.]

On average, 150 couples get married in Las Vegas each day.

Pokemon

A Jamaican proctologist.

[Thanks to Pat, Knoxville, TN]

AUDIO FILE: Because some people need more help than others, there's Blondestar.

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

Check out these other fine publications...

Would you like to make new friends? Would you like to laugh till your
sides hurt? How about some neat gifs or jpgs? Recipes we share also.
Come join our Fun and share smiles with us. A kid-friendly group! We
have something there for each member of your Family. Hoping you visit us
real soon!!!

Graphic-Sites-N-More-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Absolute Humor is the clean humor list preferred by 4 out of 5 dentists
for their patients who chew gum. It helps shrink swelling of hemorrhoid
tissue, prevents baldness and doesn't promote tooth decay. It's one email a
day every stinking day of the week. Sign up at http://AbsoluteRobeo.com
today and spread the word.

Ø~*:._.:*~ Ø:._.:*~*:. .:Ø~*:._.:*~ Ø:._.:*~*:. .:Ø~*:

"Because our readers are bored with the usual quotes"
ALMOST PROPHETIC QUOTES

http://www.wilsonsalmanac.com/almost.html

These aren’t boring, they will inspire you about yourself
and about how the world can be a better place with your help.
Send a blank email: almostprophetic-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

.:Ø~*:._.:*~ Ø:._.:*~*:. .:Ø~*:._.:*~ Ø:._.:*~*:. .:Ø~

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

[Home] [Archives] [The Crew] [Member Area] [Folly Fru-Fru] [Pull Fogie's Finger] [Contact Us] [Support Us]

The content of this web-site -- graphics, text and other elements -- is made up of original material, items submitted by readers and content considered, to the extent of the publisher’s knowledge, to be in the public domain. The publisher strives to give proper credit to the originator of all content where known. If you believe this site contains material for which you own the copyright and/or credit has not been duly given to the originator, please contact the publisher at publisher@fogiesfollies.com.

Fogie's Follies® “R” and “NC17” versions are not intended for readers under 18 years of age.