Three athletes were standing in line waiting to enter the Olympic Village. The first guy is carrying a discus, and he walks up to the guard and says, "Soviet Discus Team." The guard says, "pass".

The second guy is carrying a vaulting pole, and he walks up to the guard and says, "East German Pole Vaulting Team." The guard says, "pass".

The third guy is carrying a rolled up chain-link fence on his shoulder, he walks up to the guard and says, "Polish Fencing Team."

"Pass..."

"Apparently the British Women's Swim Team is wearing new skin-tight lycra swimsuits that are see-thru in water. You can see right through when they are wet. If you are thinking of getting one of those high-definition TV sets, this is the time to do it."
      ~Jay Leno

"This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
      ~Dressage commentator

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
      ~Paul Hamm, Gymnast

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
      ~Softball announcer

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
      ~Basketball analyst

Security had to be increased at the Olympics after a Canadian man jumped into a swimming pool in the middle of a diving competition.

Bare-chested and sporting a blue tutu and clown shoes, the man wandered onto the pool deck and climbed onto a diving board during the men's synchronized three-meter springboard event on Monday.

Olympic organizers said the man was trying to send a love message to his wife by getting on TV. However, the message painted on his chest appeared to be the website address for an online gaming web-site. After standing on the board for about a minute, he jumped into the pool and was immediately caught by security guards.

He was arrested and questioned by a prosecutor. Although the man's intentions seemed harmless, officials for the Olympics took the breach of security seriously and will now be placing security men around the area of play.

[Hmm... EVERY terrorist group in the world wants to make a statement and this guy can waltz into the diving competition on worldwide television and jump off of the board.]

Scenes From the Alabama Olympics

• Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
• In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.
• The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.
• Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
• Urine drug test transformed into "Distance Pissin Competition."
• Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
• Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.
• Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
• Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.
• Two words: Billy Bobsledding.

The Top 5 Signs You're Becoming Obsessed With the Olympics

5> You now have five interlocked rings dangling from your nipples.

4> You filled your cubicle with sand and started referring to the department as "Beach QA."

3> These days you only hire very petite hookers, and you insist that they wear spandex, talk like chipmunks and have chalk powder all over their hands.

2> You now insist everyone call you "The Fredpedo."

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're Becoming Obsessed With the Olympics...

1> You begin singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" if you finish peeing before the guy at the next urinal.

Thanks to The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com
Copyright 2004 by Chris White

5> Wouldn't you need some sort of crazy time machine to travel seven hours ahead?

4> Heavy competition from annual dance festival on the nearby island of Lambada.

3> Athenians busy working phones in order to become a host city for "The Simple Life 3."

2> It's more convenient to masturbate to women's beach volleyball at home.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Reason for Low Attendance at the 2004 Olympics...

1> Spectacular failure of the "Greece, You're Whole!" radio campaign.

Thanks to The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com
Copyright 2004 by Chris White

10. The pillows in the Athens hotel rooms smell like gyro meat.

9. Once I found a comb someone had lost in the long jump pit.

8. I had a chance to meet Danish badminton champ, Camilla Martin.

7. Put a gold medal in a change machine and you get like 20 bucks in quarters.

6. If you get nervous performing in front of big crowds, you won't have that problem here.

5. Ten percent discount on selected Olympus cameras.

4. Ralph Nader keeps begging me to be his running mate.

3. Free Javelins!

2. I can use the Olympic torch to light cigars.

1. I'll likely get to go to the White House and meet what's-his-name.

[Thanks to the Late Show with David Letterman]

The Olympics - By The Numbers

• Number of events: 271
• Number of events left once you eliminate all the mutant sports like synchronized kayaking: Maybe 6
• TV audience: (counting everybody on earth 7 times) 35 billion
• Number of molecules in a single grain of salt: 470 trillion
• Number of times the average American will see an
• Olympic-related TV commercial that will attempt to equate an activity such as pole vault with an activity such as shrinking swollen hemorrhoidal tissue: 2,537
• Total number of people who will come to Greece this summer: 17 million
• Total available parking spaces: 4

Because of the outbreak of major world wars, the modern Olympics did not hold competitions in 1916, 1940, and 1944.

Canada’s first Olympic gold medal was won by a man competing for the United States. George Orton of Strathroy, Ontario, took first place in the steeplechase at the 1900 Olympics in Paris, but because Canada didn’t have an official team, he entered as part of the American team instead.

For its Olympic athletes who bring home a gold, silver, or bronze medal, the Philippines pays handsome sums of money. However, none have won in decades.

In 1896, only first- and second-place finishers of the Olympics were awarded medals. The winners received silver medals and crowns of olive branches, while second-place finishers received bronze medals.

In 1912 in Stockholm, the first electric timing devices and public address system was used at the Olympics.

In 648 B.C., horses were first introduced into sports with the entrance of riders in the Olympic Games. By the sixth century B.C., horse-racing had become a popular sport.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me