A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this shit back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4. The husband yells at the wife, "What the heck are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your butt and go as a fudgesicle.

"She just goes a little mad sometimes, We all go a little mad sometimes... Don't you?"
      ~Norman Bates, Psycho

"Do you know why you're afraid when you're alone? I do."
      ~The Sixth Sense

"What would drive a sane man mad would drive a mad man sane."
      ~House on Haunted Hill

"I've been going over that signal we picked up and I think I made a mistake. I thought it said 'liberate me'. Save me. But now I think what it's saying is 'liberate tuteme'..... save yourself. And it gets worse. I think that says 'ex inferris'. Save yourself.... from hell."
      ~Event Horizon

PRESTONPANS, Scotland - Accused witches — and their cats — executed during a wave of hysteria and religious ferment hundreds of years ago will be pardoned on Halloween in this Scottish township, a court official said Friday.

Sunday's ceremony publicly pardoned 81 people executed in the 16th and 17th centuries for being witches. The pardons have been granted under ancient feudal powers due to be abolished within weeks.

"There'll be no witches' hats, dress-ups or that sort of thing — it will be a fairly solemn occasion," said Adele Conn, spokeswoman for the baronial court granting the pardons.

More than 3,500 Scots, mainly woman and children, and their cats were killed in witch hunts. Many were condemned on flimsy evidence, such as owning a black cat or brewing homemade remedies.

Prestonpans region recorded one of the largest numbers of witch executions in Scotland, said Conn, who is the "mountjoye," or official spokeswoman, for the Barons Courts of Prestoungrange & Dolphinstoun.

Gordon Prestoungrange, the 14th baron, granted the pardons in the last session of his court, which is due to be abolished Nov. 28, she said.

"Most of those persons condemned for witchcraft within the jurisdiction of the Baron Courts of Prestoungrange and Dolphinstoun were convicted on the basis of spectral evidence — that is to say, prosecuting witnesses declared that they felt the presence of evil sprits or heard spirit voices," the court said in its written findings.

"Such spectral evidence is impossible to prove or to disprove; nor is it possible for the accused to cross-examine the spirit concerned. One is convicted upon the very making of such charges without any possibility of offering a defense."

The court declared an absolute pardon to all those convicted, "as well as to the cats concerned."

[Fools! Why didn't they just weigh the accused witches against a duck?]

A six year old boy was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going to be the Pope," he said.

"Jake, you can't be the Pope," his mother said. "You're not Catholic. You're Lutheran."

Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked, "Is Dracula a Lutheran?"

More Signs Your Mobile Home May Be Haunted

  1. Your can of Skoal mysteriously floats through the air.
  2. Blood drips out of your simulated wood paneling.
  3. The eyes on the velvet Elvis painting move.
  4. The room is spinning, and you're not even drunk yet.
  5. That car in your front yard isn't on blocks -- it's levitating by itself.
  6. Your dog, Bo, gets sucked into the TV set, and he's blocking your view of rasslin'.
  7. That mysterious scratching below the floorboards? The Telltale Raccoon.
  8. The chain the ghost rattles is attached to his wallet.
  9. You feel an eerie presence every time "Freebird" plays on the radio.
10. The trailer is shaking, but there's no tornado in sight.
11. Your Dale Earndhart bed sheets have eye holes cut in them.
12. The ghost is completely invisible except for the tobacco juice running down his chin.
13. Mysterious footsteps seem to be stomping out "Achy Breaky Heart."
14. There's a funny howlin' noise comin' from the corn crib -- no wait, that's just Jimmy.
15. You hear strange moaning - but only during Shania Twain videos.
16. You're missing four PBR's, and the missus only drinks Old Milwaukee.
17. The lights turn on and off even though you paid the power bill.
18. You hear blood-curdling screams, but both neighbors are still in county lock-up.
19. You get a mysterious phone call that says, "I know what you did last NASCAR race."
20. Instead of saying "Boo," the ghost says "Boo-ya'll!"
21. The veneer of window grime looks just like Calvin .... and he's peeing on YOU!
22. Instead of naked women, your playing cards, all of a sudden, have pictures of covered bridges on them.
23. The folks on Jenny Jones discuss domestic problems that eerily resemble your own.
24. You get a creepy feelin' and it ain't because that Richard Simmons is on TV.
25. You come home one day and it's ... clean!

10 Least Popular Halloween Candies

• Bit-O-Squirrel
• Poisonettes
• Good n' Sweaty
• Middlefinger
• Della Reese's Pieces
• Clam Duds
• Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
• Gummy Marrow
• Ken Starrburst
• Osmond Joy

Virtual haunted House

Out trick or treating and lost in thoughts of candy. You have walked further out of town than you have ever walked before and have come across a long dark driveway. Someone is watching you...

http://www.halloweenishere.com/hauntedhouse.html

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

 8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

 6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask." and you're not even wearing a mask.

 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or....." and can't remember the rest.

 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

 1. You keep having to go home to pee.

"Phasmophobia" is the fear of ghosts.

A cup of candy corn has fewer calories than a cup of raisins.

Halloween is the biggest holiday of the year when it comes to candy sales--estimated at $1.93 billion. One quarter of all the candy sold each year is purchased between September 15 and November 10.

Halloweenies

The people who turn off all their lights and hide in a back room of the house watching TV so the trick-or-treaters will think they are not home.

Campaign of Fear: The Final Days

A sleepy waffle-eater fears his matronly syrup bottle might be out to kill him. It's a sweet, short horror spoof.