Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

November 8, 2004

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Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! I was sitting in my office when I heard Knox and Ashby having their weekly discussion on the merits of women vs. the merits of men. As usual, their talk became louder and louder and louder until none of us were getting any work done. Ashby generally gets the better of Knox in these debates until he finally makes a comment so incredibly inane and chauvinistic that she just walks away frustrated... It's kinda like sex but without all the sweating and touching and stuff. Anyway, I heard Ashby say to him, "Where would you be today if it were not for woman?" She paused a moment and waited for his reply... Nothing. I knew he was hung over and moving slowly this morning, but I didn't realize just how badly until now. I almost felt sorry for him. More importantly, an office tradition was about to be eradicated. We all look forward to their parleys. When else do we have the opportunity to see both of them bashed and debased at the same time. But I should have realized that even in his debilitated state, he would come through. "I repeat," she said, "where would you be today if it were not for woman?" "I'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries." Relievedly, me

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A blonde was shopping and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos; it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow!" said the blonde, "That's amazing! I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos; it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee."

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "Nope. It's for company. Help yourself. Make yourself comfy. Take your time."

"ABC has rejected a pilot for a Jessica Simpson sitcom. This will give her more time to finish her very first book. It’s due back at the library in a week."
~Alan Ray

"Delta's low fare carrier, Song Airlines, has come out with the first in-flight portable workout. They say their goal is to get passengers' pulse rates up for at least 20 minutes. Is that really necessary? I mean, between the drunken pilots, the terrorists' threats and slow service, you'd think they'd try to bring their pulse rates down."
~Jay Leno

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
~Steve Martin

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US Military Plane Fires on NJ School

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A National Guard F-16 fighter plane mistakenly fired off 25 rounds of ammunition at the Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School in South New Jersey on Wednesday night.

The pilot was meant to fire the rounds some 3 1/2 miles away at a military target range, Lt. Col. Roberta Niedt of the New Jersey Department of Military and Veterans Affairs told reporters in the Jersey shore township's police headquarters.

No one was injured as school was out and a lone custodian was inside the building when the bullets hit.

Damage was minimal as the non-exploding, 20 millimeter bullets left only puncture marks in the school's roof and the asphalt outside the building.

The fighter jet was part of the 113th Wing, District of Columbia Air National Guard assigned to Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland.

An investigation is being conducted into how the pilot mistook the school, located on Frog Pond Road, for a target range.

[By chance, the pilot's initials weren't GWB, were they?]

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other. Woman yells out window, "PIG!"

Man yells out window, "Wench!"

Man rounds next curve. Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Moral: If only men would listen.

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"

Mr. Smarty Pants Knows

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Things You Should Never Say When Shopping With Your Buddies in a Lingerie Store

I don't need a bag, I'll just wear it home.
Your wife will NEVER squeeze her ass into that!!
I don't know what size she wears, but I have a 38" waist and her panties fit me.
You know your wife definitely looks better in thong bikinis.
I didn't know that YOU worked here!
Do you have any panties with Daisy Duck on them?
WOW!! I didn't know that they made those in MY size!
My mom has a pair just like that.

And the number one thing that you should never say when shopping with your buddies in a lingerie store...
YOUR mom has a pair just like that.

On Fogie's Folly regarding the Athens Olympics...

To expand on your excellent point, I'd suggest that "gratuitous softcore lesbian scenes" be made into an Olympic Event. -Moe
[Gold medals all around.]

It is disgusting, these displays of the naked body. Allah does not like this! -Abdullah
[Abdullah, I believe Allah was watching - with a cold beer.]

How does your wife even begin to tolerate your antics? Better yet, WHY does she? -Carol
[Unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked. Although, she never knew what real happiness was until she married me, and by then it was too late. Besides, Mrs. Fogie and I always compromise... I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me.]

On Fogie's Follies regarding the Election...

ONLY RETARDS VOTE FOR BUSH!!! -CLAIRE
[While I agree with the sentiment, I have a problem with the use of the word "retards". When this label is used, I feel that the user herself must not be very bright and is uneducated. Sort of like the retards who don't know how to turn off the CAPS LOCK key.]

Your folly is moot, sophomoric and baseless. You must be a liberal. -Cameron
[I'm terribly sorry, but if you aren't going to make jokes, discuss Monty Python, or ask female readers for nekkid pictures, then I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.]

Hey lib, YOU MIGHT HAVE WON had you actually PROVED ONE LIE Bush told instead of just screaming BUSH LIED. But since not one of you could EVER PROVE ONE ACCUSATION YOU MDE AGAINST THE PRESIDENT YOU LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How does it feel to have been MARGINALIZED? LOL LOL LOL -Kurt
[Not bad... how does it feel to be homogenized.]

You big babies want to recount and cheat! Now that the Republicans have again proved that they are the superior party, the Liberal Losers want a recount and cheat to win! What a disgrace to America. I think the Democratic Party should be dispersed and not allowed in America! -Chris
[Yeah, I should become one of you incredibly tolerant Republicans.]

You liberals don't want to be in this country anymore anyway, so move some where else. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out... and make sure you don't get run over by the millions of people trying to get INTO this country. What a bunch of whining, immature brats. -Emily, Charlotte, NC
[Maybe I should become one of the arrogant bleating sheep.]

People are tired of the bankrupting socialism agenda that you Democrats are selling; that to me is the reason Bush won. Once again, the lesser of two evils came out on top. -Bret
[Top, bottom or sideways... either way we're gonna get screwed.]

This is God's reward to George W. Bush for bravely protecting our country against all odds and negative opinions. It's God's reward to all of America! thank you Jesus. Amen. -Valerie
[My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?]

More people voted for Bush then any other person in American history for president. All that crap the democrats said about getting out the vote. Well guess what dems..... WE GOT OUT THE VOTE! -Al
[That does not speak well of the collective IQ of the US population. Maybe I should move to Paris, a haven of culture, intelligence and decency... or at least to a blue state.]

JEB BUSH 2008!!! -Robert
[Wouldn't you rather amend the Constitution and run Ahhhnold?]

Nah-nyah-na-na. -2734 readers
[Bite my sorry white Democratic butt. And the donkey I rode in on.]

Regarding the news story "'Witch' Pardons Come Centuries Too Late"...

"Why didn't they just weigh the accused witches against a duck?" You've been watching Monty Python, haven't you? -The Cap'n
[But of course. A vital part of one's education.]

Why didn't they just check the temperature of their boobs? -Squatmoe
[I'm betting several of the male colonists had checked. Probably why they were so anxious to burn or drown them before Mrs. Colonist found out.]

It didn't take them as long as it did for the Vatican to admit that Galileo was right! -Marcia, Lorton, VA
[Well, Catholics are a tad slow about jumping on things... except alter boys.]

Back then it was witches, now it's gays. Christianity has adapted through the ages but has always needed to find a nemesis and a scapegoat. At one point it was witches. When people wised up enough to realize witches did not exist, christians moved to their next target, the Jews. After the Holocaust, the jews were no longer in vogue as a target so they had to find a new enemy. Now it is the gays. Once people figure out there is nothing wrong with being gay, WHO WILL BE NEXT?? -
[Trolls! Stone them!]

Witches are mean and ugly. -Gracie
[And you are simple-minded and ridiculous... Next?]

General comments...

Finally, you didn't suck! Well, any more than you normally do... Finally, you're looking at the world and not your creepy office. Maybe if you could keep your head out of your butt, you could continue to write a good article. But I dream... Sorry. -Love, Laura
[And maybe you might develop a social life and quit annoying me.]

You should keep your political opinions to yourself. You are really starting to sound like a bleeding heart liberal, which means that at least half of the people don't agree with you. Your letter is much better when it is kept light and humorous. -Charlie
[What, like your sex life?]

Hey Fogie, My breasts size is a 34b and I'm scheduled to have breast surgery in a few days... how do you feel about breast implants? Does size really matter to men like it DOES to us women? Just curious. -DD
[I can't speak for most men, but as for me, there is no substitute for a soft, warm, supple, shapely breast. 34B or 36D. Your breasteses are beautiful, trust me, as long as they are natural. Either way, though, send pics.]

You're an ass... I can appreciate your honesty but you should really stop drinking beer and move out of the trailer park. You're a good old boy and that's so unattractive. The picture you inspire includes a big furry belly and a gaping ass crack. Leave your readers alone. I'm sure most of them look, smell and speak better than you. It makes you look bitter. -Jessica
[If I were a donkey I'm sure that would be true. But then if I were a donkey I'd very likely be your sexual partner as well, and believe me... that ain't happening.]

14% of Americans say they've been skinny dipping with the opposite sex.

Gentile

Ceramic squares in the men's shower rooms

I am fairly sure that you have wondered exactly what kind of artistic-intellectual stimulation lies among the mountain folk. Check out this poetic,yet enlightening exercise in the visual arts. [Thanks to Alan, Knoxville, TN]

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

[Thanks to Pat, Knoxville, TN]

Wichita Fish Story

This was a pretty interesting story from The Sunday Wichita Eagle Newspaper a few weeks ago. A resident saw a ball bouncing around oddly in a neighborhood pond. He went to investigate and discovered a flathead catfish which had tried to swallow a child's basketball. to large for the fish to swallow, the ball became lodged in its mouth.

The fish was completely exhausted from trying unsuccessfully to dive due to the buoyancy of the ball, which would always bring him back up to the surface. The man tried numerous times to get the ball out but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate the ball and release the catfish.

Think it's just a fish story? Check out the pics!

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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