Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

November 16, 2004

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[Readers playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..." Regrettingly, me

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Thanks to Jennifer, Kershaw, SC
A couple were celebrating their Golden Wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of the long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the husband. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'" "We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone half a mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife took her little Derringer pistol out of her pocket and shot the mule." "I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman; Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
~Emo Phillips

"It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day."
~Paul Clay

"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath. 'Well, I'm bored... let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
~Brad Stine

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EBay Cancels Bids for Virgin Mary Sandwich

MIAMI - The Internet auction house eBay Inc. canceled bids for half of a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich that its owner said bore the image of the Virgin Mary.

Diana Duyser, of Hollywood, put the sandwich up for sale last week, drawing bids as high as $22,000 before eBay pulled the item Sunday night. The page was viewed almost 100,000 times before being taken down. An e-mail Duyser received from eBay said the sandwich broke its policy, which "does not allow listings that are intended as jokes."

But Duyser, a work-from-home jewelry designer who has bought and sold items on eBay for two years, said the grilled cheese wasn't a joke. "How could eBay do this to me?" Duyser said Monday, hours before the online auction was supposed to have ended.

Duyser thought eBay would be the best place to show off the sandwich, made on plain white bread and American cheese and cooked with no oil or butter. She said she took a bite after making it 10 years ago and saw a face staring back at her from the bread.

Duyser, 52, put the sandwich in a clear plastic box with cotton balls and kept it on her night stand. At first, she was scared by the image, "but now that I realize how unique it is, I wanted to share it with the world," Duyser told The Miami Herald.

She said the sandwich has never sprouted a spore of mold.

[ 1. How do we even know what the Virgin Mary is supposed to
look like?
2. For $20K, I want a whole damn sam'ich.
3. Diana is a kook.]

The high school coaches in Terrebone Parish, Louisiana went to a coaches retreat. To save money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with Coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of dem stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns.

Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come to breakfast next morning hair a mess, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happen to you?"

He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all night."

Next night coach Guidry's turn. In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shake the roof. I watched him all night."

Third night, coach Breaux turn. Next morning he come to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning you all."

They can't believe! They say, "Man, what happened?"

He say, "Well, we get ready for bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux into bed and kiss him good night. He watch me all night long."

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

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Games For Octogenarians

Sag, you're It.
Hide and go pee.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Musical recliners.
Simon says something incoherent.
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

Signs You're Not Cut Out to Be a Hooker

You simply can't get past the fact that pink hot-pants and red stiletto heels clash.
You haven't taken directions from a guy since 12 years ago when you pulled a gluteus muscle sweatin' to the oldies.
You continue to wave cars past as you wait for Richard Gere to show up.
You have a heart of gold -- and a hat of aluminum foil.
You keep asking Sweet Willie when he is going to institute a health plan and 401(k).
Pretty? No. Woman? Not entirely.

To send an email to Fogie and try to attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.

On Fogie's Folly regarding The Difference in the Sexes...

Fogie, you know why a man can NEVER win an argument with a woman? Because anything the man says after the woman is finished with her part of the argument is the start of a WHOLE NEW ARGUMENT! I'm on marriage #3; I know these things. -Kevin
[I really don't mean any offense, Kevin, really, but I'm not going to take relationship advice from somebody who's been married three times.]

i'm a woman and i'm from south carolina, and i've managed thus far not to get offended by anything you've written. i also know that no one could possibly think of women in the terms you speak of them in the year 2004. so why get offended? as unsuccessfully as it may be, you're just trying to be funny. -karen
[Uummm... thank you, I think?]

Fogie, if it's really true that more women than men are required for the continuation of the species, then why do women get so upset if we like more than one of them? -Josh
[It's one of the mysteries of life.]

why is it when a man talks dirty to a woman it is sexual harassment but when a woman talks dirty to a man it is $3.95 a minute? -Marcus
[Because we're stupid.]

Regarding the news story "'Witch' Pardons Come Centuries Too Late"...

I've been Wiccan since 1975, and you and your readers are just 2-bit bigots. If ONE person was tortured & killed for their religion or for practicing herbalism & midwifery or b/c she wouldn't let some priest hump her, that's STILL 1 too many!!! -Cathy
[Geez, who put a newt in your cereal?]

Federal land rescinded to Indians... State department issues formal apology for having 'taken them Injuns land away.' -Hawk
[Yeah, as soon as they produce a receipt.]

ReligoParanoid mass hysteria & violence. -Donnie
[Was your email about the witch burnings or the elections?]

Islam is the true religion of peace. Not like the christian/jewish zionist who torture other minority religions. -Khamis Al Fahhadi, Yemen
[Yeah, when you're not plotting to blow something up. (Oh, stop sending me hate mail already... it's a joke.)]

Fogie, Fogie, Fogie... in all your searching has nobody invited you to visit with a circle of witches? Do you know how many of us there are? LOTS! We come in all shapes and sizes and you'd not be able to pick most of us out of a crowd. Not all of us use the term witch anymore because of the negative stereotype. We call ourselves Wiccan. -Jessie
[Witches have a negative stereotype? Come on!]

Regarding the news story "US Military Plane Fires on NJ School"...

Did the pilot have 3 weeks training like the poor Iraqis expected to defend Iraq? Underfunded and undertrained. Doomed to failure. -Steve, Longmont, Colorado
[Lets see, which of these switches turns on the map light... not this, not this, hmmm... what was that noise from the right wing...]

Send him to Iraq - He's ready to shoot something - Somebody Stop him before he does more damage in US! -Skeeter, Fairbanks
[National Guard Pilots reporting for duty... 2nd Lieutenants, Moe, Larry, and Curley.]

Maybe it was Bush launching an invasion of the blue states. -Erica
[He has since pointed to flawed intelligence in regard to the search for WMD in the rogue state of New Jersey.]

General comments...

You have critisized Canadans. You have critisized Alabamans. You have critisized mormans. You have critisized the President. You have critisized your own family. You have critisized your coworkers. You have critisized your readers. Your to arogant for me to put up with any more. WHO WILL BE NEXT?? -William
[People who can't spell.]

I enjoy the Follies, but do you pick out the STUPIDEST Republican comments, or do the writers of said comments provide the stupidity all by themselves? -PeterN in Connecticut.
[Sometimes they just write themselves...]

as the remaining alabama subscriber, i feel compelled to send you a note of encouragement...if there's one thing that we alabamians know, (besides racism, inbreeding, illiteracy, and football) it's good journalism. -Sue
[Don't worry, I'll try to come up with a way to offend you.]

Fogie, Can you or any of your readers help me with my secret fantasy? I have lusted after Steve Perry (Journey) for 20 years. I am not getting any younger. Before I die (not soon, I hope) I want to have wild monkey SEX with him!! Fogie, you are "THE MAN", if you can't make this wish come true for me I don't know who can. -Kathie
[How can I ignore a plea like that? Okay... anybody know Steve Perry?]

Fogie, does it ever make you wonder why beings with the intelligence to have faster than light speed space travel always want to stick a probe up someone's butt? -Haley
[Not until now.]

In Baltimore, a 21 year old male was thrown out of a bar last night because he was drunk, whereupon he stumbled into a busy street and fell asleep. Needless to say he was run over and killed. -Greg, Arlington, VA
[Would be interesting to know if the driver will be charged with driving over the influenced.]

Hi Fogie -- just wanted to thank you for your insightful comments about politics. It's comforting to read comments and critiques from someone whose views really are fair and some day come out of partisanship. -Mindy
[Mindy, you clearly have not been reading the comments in Folly Fallout recently or you'd know that I am a left-wing whacko.]

There are 318,979,564,000 possible ways of playing the first four moves on each side in a game of chess.

Gamma

The woman married to grandpa.

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Barbie dolls that didn't make the shelves
[Thanks to Pat, Knoxville, TN]

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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