Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!
All of America is known for celebrating the holiday of Thanksgiving,
or as it is known outside the United States, "Thursday."
Families separated for months or years will reunite, and shortly
afterwards remember why they separated. In a darkened gymnasium
Richard Simmons will run his revenue projections, and consider
buying a small Caribbean island. Throughout the nation, those
wretched souls condemned to the public school system will breathe
a bit easier, eager in their anticipation of four days surcease
from education. (The students are pretty happy about it, as
well.)
Yet running through this gaiety is an undercurrent of bewilderment.
In this decadent age we live in, far too many of our unlettered
countrymen think Plymouth Rock a music style from the 70's,
or the Mayflower a potpourri ingredient. Accordingly, in the
best traditions of journalistic public service and overweening
arrogance, my column this frosty morn shall be dedicated to
answering your questions about Thanksgiving.
Q. Gosh, you're right, Fogie; I, the average reader, am dumb
as a post. What exactly are the origins of Thanksgiving?
A. Thanksgiving is, of course, a holiday invented by grocers
and farmers to allow them to sell huge quantities of disgusting
"traditional" foods that no one in his right mind
would eat otherwise, such as squash. The average squash is a
triumph of minimalism wherein nature manages to convert mud
into a plant without bothering to change its taste and texture.
Attempts to improve the mud-like flavor of squash by the addition
of delicate seasonings and spices have produced dishes that
taste, at best, like delicately seasoned and spiced mud. A master
chef, faced with the necessity of making a palatable squash
dish, would throw in his funny hat and become a short-order
cook at Denny's
Q. That's quite a conspiracy theory. Where do the Black Helicopters
fit in?
A. They transport the squash.
Q. I should have guessed. But seriously, what are the origins
of Thanksgiving?
A. The first Thanksgiving was a celebration of gratitude by
a group of early English settlers known as the Pilgrims. The
Pilgrims were Separatists who had come to the New World to practice
their religion without government interference, and since the
Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms did not exist at the
time they were allowed to do so.
Unfortunately, the Pilgrims neglected to acquire a few skills
(such as elementary agronomy) before setting off on their voyage,
and as a result nearly starved. The local Indians, who at the
time were practicing their ancient sustenance methods of hunting,
fishing, and giving large donations to the Democratic party,
took pity on the Pilgrims and taught them to farm the native
flora. In a display of appreciation when the first harvest was
taken in, the Pilgrims held a huge feast and invited the Indians
over for dinner, after which they all fell asleep on couches
while watching football.
Q. OK, but when did Thanksgiving become a national holiday?
A. Thanksgiving Day was adopted as an annual holiday by New
York State in 1817, marking the first official celebration of
Thanksgiving as a regular event, and the last time a New Yorker
said "thank you" for anything. In 1863, President
Lincoln appointed a national day of thanksgiving, and every
subsequent president has followed suit.
Q. Even G. Dubbya?
A. Yes, but only after focus group polling showed that a popularity
rating loss of 23% among turkeys would be more than offset by
a 31% gain among poultry farmers.
Q. Speaking of turkeys, is it true that Ben Franklin thought
the turkey should have been our national bird instead of the
eagle?
A. Ben Franklin was indeed a proponent of the turkey as our
national bird. Since he was a member of the Hellfire Club at
the time, though, his motives were somewhat suspect.
It must be kept in mind that the modern domestic turkey bears
little resemblance to its feral ancestors. The wild turkey is
a cunning and elusive survivor, a challenging quarry for the
most skilled of hunters. Farm turkeys, on the other hand, have
been selectively inbred for generations in an attempt to improve
flavor and increase breast meat production. These efforts have
had numerous side effects on the birds in question, including
reduced intelligence, difficulty in maintaining balance, and
the creation of boy bands.
Q. Is there a final message you would like to give to your
readers on this Thanksgiving Day?
A. Enjoy your Thanksgiving dinner. You can have my squash.
Thankfully,
me
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