Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

November 30, 2004

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[1500 anytime jokes plus unlimited night and weekend humor.]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! Joe has been having a LOT of car trouble lately. And Joe is certainly not the most mechanically inclined individual... Hand him some software or ask him to install a network and he's your guy; but cars? I'm just glad he can put gas in the tank without hurting himself. Anyway, I asked him today how things were going with the hearse he drives. "Finally got everything fixed and up to snuff," he said. "She's running like a top!" "I hope you took it to a reputable mechanic," I said. "Yeah, I took it down to Vinnie's. Guy's been working on my cars for years and always does a great job at a fair price and is honest as the day is long." "So," I asked, "what all did he do and how much did it run you?" He told me what all Vinnie did and the amount of the final bill, which sounded a little steep to me. "Lemme see the bill" As I looked it over, Joe said, "See, Vinnie only did what was necessary and gave me a good deal." "Hmm...," I said. "What's this last item marked "special"? "Yeah, he's great. He only charged me half price to change my headlight fluid." Mechanically, me

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After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
~Rodney Dangerfield

"I love those signs along the highway that say, 'Litter Removal Next 2 Miles.' That's when I start chucking my trash out the window."
~Scott Wood

"I have a detached retina. Actually, it's not detached. It's emotionally unavailable."
~Nick Arnette

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Student Invents Glow-In-Dark Underwear

HOUSTON - As if a plain old thong wasn't enough to accentuate what isn't covered, a Rice University MBA student has shed some neon light on the skin with a glow-in-the-dark version.

Beau Carpenter, an avid runner who also works at NASA, initially thought of creating glow-in-the-dark jogging clothes, but practicality evaporated when thongs captured his attention during his Internet research. He enlisted Chris Harris, an electrical engineering student at Rice, and Marcus Brocato, a chemistry lab manager at the Houston private university, to develop the GloThong.

"Being guys, it didn't take us long to gravitate to them," Carpenter told the Houston Chronicle in Sunday's editions. "My co-workers find it endlessly entertaining."

The thongs have lightweight, water-resistant batteries that, when fully charged, illuminate the straps for two hours in various neon colors, including blue, pink and yellow. Wearers can use a wall adapter to charge them up, but car chargers are available for those on the go.

They were a hit when the team recently took their invention to a topless bar in Dickinson.

"The women liked the product so much that they lined up to give us their real names and cell numbers," Carpenter said.

The thong will be available for $49.95 by mid-December, but the group intends to expand their offerings to include luminescent bras and bikinis.

"We're selling attention," Carpenter said. "You kind of feel like Cinderella until the Glo runs out."

[Kinda makes panty raids a no brainer, eh? On the Net: http://www.glothong.com/]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare)

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within.
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Pokey,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely thou canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

Save Our Gravity

Use it or lose it!

http://engr.smu.edu/~mailen/Gravity/gravity.html

30 Years Difference [Thanks to Ginny, Beckley, WV]

1974: Long hair
2004: Longing for hair

1974: KEG
2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock
2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool
2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems
2004: Roughage

1974: Hoping for a BMW
2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead
2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint
2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones
2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office
2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Down with the system
2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco
2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test
2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever
2004: Depends

To send an email to Fogie and try to attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.

Regarding "Fogie's Daughter Explains the Sexes"...

God help your daughter if she is learning about life and love from you. -Meredith, New York
[My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.]

You should let Kelsey write the Follies; she's wittier. -Mark
[I never think when I write; nobody can do two things at the same time and do them both well.]

Your daughter has inherited the "bait them in and then drop the bomb" style from you. Now we know who will take over the Follies when you're gone. -Andrea, Bologna, Italy
[Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them better.]

Fogie made speechless by a 5-year-old?!? What is her secret? -Leslie
[Why do you hassle me? For all you know I'm your father!]

I saw the end coming but that was still some VERY funny shit! One of your best in a LOOOOONG time! -Don
[Thanks... and may I recommend the blue pill? They are particularly effective.]

Regarding "US Military Plane Fires on NJ School"...

Want some cheese with that wine? Are you a complete idiot? Although tragic, errors happen. -Stacey, Lake Ridge, VA
[Errors DO happen... clearly your parents made one.]

Amen brother! -Rob
[Uh... ok. Thanks?]

Bush said he'd take New Jersey. Now we know what he meant. Incompetence spreading like a cancer in BushWorld. Hilarious! -Barbara
[In other news: Bush cancels CIA interrogation of US Senate-elect Barack Obama (D-Illinois). Apparently he was mistaken to think Illinois voted Osama Bin Laden into the Senate seat in that state. Sources tell us after the elections, Bush was quoted as saying, "Obama??Get that towel-head." Later he apologized to Senate elect Obama stating, "Sorry I confused you with Osama. It was an honest mistake. So, you're black?"]

Yes, only you are smart. Congratulations! So why do you still live with your parents? That's the part we all don't get. -Bama Gurl
[Nothing sways the stupid more than arguments they can't understand. Being attacked by you is like being savaged by a dead sheep.]

Anyone still wonder how 100,000 Iraqi civilians were killed? -Kitty
[Bueller? Bueller?... Anyone? Anyone?]

I wonder if Uncle Sam will have to pay for the damage. I can't believe how much you people gripe about the small percentage of errors in the otherwise greatest military and government in the world. Do you and they not understand that sacrifices must be made in order for us to have the liberty we so enjoy? -Adam, SC
[Yeah! It's just a bunch of holes in the roof of a school in our own country put there by our own military so they should stop whining and be glad they live in the land of the free and the home of the brave!]

Regarding "Poor Table Manners Lead to Stabbings"...

Again screwed up men! What the heck is wrong with men in our society? Every day another story about some stupid violence, rape, beating, child molestation committed by a male. Sickening! -Lisa, Chicago
[Yeah, especially the ones who drive their children into lakes, or drown them in the bathtub, or cut off their arms.]

Let me tell you, there has been a time or two I wanted to take out the whole family for their noisy eating habits. But, in order to avoid a prison term, I got up and left the table and let the little piggies eat at the trough by themselves! -Brenda, Omaha, NE
[Good! 'Cause Emily Post says one should never stab their host or hostess at the dinner table; it's just rude.]

I MEAN REALLY! THINK ABOUT IT... -Michelle
[We thought about it and decided you're an idiot.]

General comments...

Fogie, does your sister also own a liquor store? -David
[Some people are just never satisfied.]

You may want to stick to insulting smaller amounts of people than half the human species, considering you're supposed to be writing humor, not insults. It could also really kill your subscriber statistics. -Scott
[Actually, I may want to stick my foot up your butt, and kill some subscribers.]

Why are these people subscribed to the Follies if they can't take a joke. I read it because it's funny and I could care less what you made fun of. By the way, I'm a chinese transvestite midget that is mentally disabled. -Ray
(I've always wanted to do the little comment at the bottom)
[Stop that! That's my job. If everybody wrote their own witty response what would I do?]

If Fred Flintstone knows the Brontosaurus ribs will tip his car over, why does he order them night after night? -Drew
[If you've ever had Brontosaurus ribs you wouldn't have to ask.]

Fogie, I think Sheri wants you... -Sandy
[It's possible. I do have that rakish charm that women love to hate.]

Hey Fogie, What kind of stupid thing do I have to do to get an e-mail in your newsletter? Oh yeah, only reason I subscribed to the Follies is just to read the ads. -Jason
[My kind of subscriber.]

Are you 45 or 4 going on 5 because your rantings sound more like a child than an adult? -Rocky, Baltimore, MD
[If I want the advice of a dullard, I'll slap you on the back of the head and wake up that little peg-legged hamster that operates the drool-powered waterwheel of thought in there. Until then, sit in the corner and wait until some either speaks to you or spits at you.]

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Carperpetuation

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

We've all heard of flea circuses and know that they are simply illusions played on the mind. But this fly circus will blow your mind away!

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Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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