Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

December 13, 2004

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[Ax Us 'bout Ebonics.]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! By now just about everyone has seen the video from the 11/19 Pacers-Pistons brawl on the Pistons’ home court, The Palace. From what I saw, it should be called The Dungeon. After all, dungeons are places where giants roam, cheered and served by gremlin subjects. When guests arrive, the giants attack. The frenzied gremlins sometimes join in, knowing full well that where giants brawl is a dangerous place for smaller villains. That's what happened to the Pacers that night. But, as I think about it, what’s uppermost in my mind is that their seems to be some dirty work afoot. Look at it this way: With less than a minute left in the game, Ron Artest fouled Ben Wallace from behind on a drive to the basket. Wallace responded with a hard, two-handed shove to Artest. Wallace should have been immediately ejected from the game at that point. But nothing was done to him, and the referees called no foul on him. Wallace continued to roam the court, trying to get at Artest. By then, Artest was lying on the scorer’s table, with Reggie Miller standing guard over him. But then Artest was hit by a cup of beer, and he stormed into the stands, throwing punches as he climbed over seats. The referees suddenly disappeared from the scene, although there was still some time on the clock. Technically, the game was not over. The referees did not halt the game and, in my judgment, by their leaving the floor, whether they called it or not, the game should have been officially over. At that point, the situation should have been in the hands of Palace, er, Dungeon security and the police. When fans began to bombard Artest and other Pacers with beer, trash, and expletives, things quickly got out of hand. Where were the security guards? Where were the police? The assertion of the whole "magic chair" theory, presumably in which a single chair is hurled at Artest's back, headed downward at an angle of 17 degrees. It then moves upward after striking Artest -- his body wound number two -- where it waits 1.6 seconds, turns right and continues into a fan's body at the rear of his right armpit -- wound number three. Then, the chair heads downward at an angle of 27 degrees, shattering the fan's fifth rib and bouncing off the right side of his chest -- wounds four and five. The chair continues downward and then strikes the fan's right wrist -- wound number six -- shattering the radius bone. It then strikes his left thigh -- wound number seven -- from which it later bounces off and is found in almost "pristine" condition on a dolly in a corridor outside the Pacers' locker room. Lastly, several witnesses stated that chairs and beer also came from another direction, essentially catching the players in a triangular crossfire. Yet, authorities are clinging to their lone thrower theory and the fan arrested for the chair tossing continues to call himself a "patsy". For these and other reasons, it seems to me that the whole thing was a set up. I sense a conspiracy dreamed up by the NBA, its commissioner David Stern, film director Oliver Stone, and the folks at EA Sports, manufacturers of sports video games and whose slogan is "It's in the game." "But, Fogie, why would these folks dream up such a thing? Wouldn't this be bad for their image?" That would be a legitimate question, readers, if the NBA had an image other than that of a lackluster game played by overpaid, whiny prima donnas with sagging TV ratings and drooping paraphernalia sales. But, since that is the current state of thugball, and their star Kobe Bryant not being the poster boy of idol worship that he once was, something had to be done. But now the ratings for the NBA are going up, particularly for the Pistons' games and should reach critical mass for their Christmas Day rematch with the Pacers. Jerseys, shirts, poster, other paraphernalia and beer cups are selling like mad. And Oliver Stone is working on a screenplay to expose the whole thing. As for EA Sports... think about it -- "Basketbrawl 2004" will be a huge seller, complete with "chair chucking" and "beer hurling" power-ups and the ability to send players into the stands to open a big ol' can of whoop-ass on somebody's grandfather. "Basketbrawl 2004 -- You're in the game." Conspiraly, me PS... to commemorate the incident, we've introduced our new line of Basketbrawl apparel in the Fru-Fru store. Check out the three attractive designs and become part of the game!

Lead, FOLLY or get out of the way with Folly Fru-Fru!

Clothing, hats, mugs, mousepads, posters and more... some even have the soon-to-be-famous pic of Fogie himself. Now you can wish everyone a LARGE day!!! Today's featured item...

Basketbrawl - Pistons VS Pacers VS Fans

Three designs on a variety of apparel to show off your membership in the NBA (National Basketbrawl Association). Basketbrawl 2004 - You're in the game!

Click here to get yours or check out our other Fru-Fru today!

A 70 year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 75 year-old husband asked, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, would be ideal."

The husband said, I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

Boycott Shampoo ! Demand REAL poo.

“It's a very good historical book about history.”
~Former Vice-President Dan Quayle about Paul Johnson's Modern Times

“There are lots more people in the House. I don't know how many exactly -- I never counted but at least a couple hundred.”
~Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference between the House and the Senate

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
~Dan Quayle on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.

[God, I miss Dan.]

Pull Fogie's Finger!

We have teamed up with Prank Place and GagsPlus to bring you the web's largest collection of outrageous pranks, practical jokes, gag gifts and funny novelties. Although they have several items in common, each also carries its own unique products. So, be sure to check out both! Today's featured item...

Hilarious Holiday Gift Ideas

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Girl, 10, Cuffed for Scissors in School

PHILADELPHIA - A 10-year-old girl was placed in handcuffs and taken to a police station because she took a pair of scissors to her elementary school.

School district officials said the fourth-grade student did not threaten anyone with the 8-inch shears, but violated a rule that considers scissors to be potential weapons.

Administrators said they were following state law when they called police Thursday, and police said they were following department rules when they handcuffed Porsche Brown and took her away in a patrol wagon.

"My daughter cried and cried," said her mother, Rose Jackson. "She had no idea what she did was wrong. I think that was way too harsh."

Police officers decided the girl hadn't committed a crime and let her go.

However, school officials suspended her for five days. Administrators will decide at a hearing whether she may return to class, or be expelled to a special disciplinary school.

The scissors were discovered while students' belongings were being searched for property missing from a teacher's desk.

School district officials have promised a crackdown on unruly students this year, and new policies give administrators the power to expel students for infractions as minor as violating the dress code, chronic tardiness or habitual swearing.

Administrators say the steps are needed to regain control over a notoriously unruly school system, but some parents have complained that discipline has been overly harsh and that school officials have been too quick to call police about minor problems.

[It's a good thing they got her... she could have been planning on doing something terrible -- like cutting paper. We will not be free as a people until all paper is protected from terrorism by scissors. Gentlemen, start your lawsuits.]

The Truth About Italians

Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook.

There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, front, porch and backyard.

The living room is filled with old Bombonieri (they are too pretty to open) with poofy fancy bows and stale Almonds.

A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego, Kraft TV dinner or anything else in a jar box or can. (Tomato paste is the exception.)

The following are Italian Holidays:

1st weekend in October - Grapes for the Wine;

3rd weekend in August - Tomatoes for the sauce.

Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef.

We are Italians, we don't care about cholesterol.

Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the antipasto, manicotti, gnocchi and lasagna.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this... Table is set with everyday dishes... doesn't matter if they don't match... they're clean. What more do you want. All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonna & Papa's plate because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table.

First course, Antipasto... change plates.
Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all spaghetti Macaroni)... change plates.
After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Overcooked vegetables... change plates.
THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)... change plates.
Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones by now).
Coffee ("Espress!" for Nonno, "Merican" coffee for the rest) with Sambuca. Hard Cookies to dip in the coffee.
The kids go play... the men go to lay down. They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without anesthesia... The women clean the kitchen.

Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - Half the sentence was English, the other half Italian.

Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room.

Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you... $20.00 for material.
Goofy hair-do from Cousin Angela...$ Free.
Turning around at prom to see your entire family (including grandparents) standing in the back of the gym... PRICELESS!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a crap!"

The Pig War Appreciation Society

The Pig War occurred between the United States and the British Empire in 1859. The outbreak of hostilities was contained to a small island in the Oregon Country, on what is now San Juan island in Washington State. To be sure, the only casualty was a pig, a "British" pig shot by an "American" farmer. In its death, the pig illuminated the sticky fact that both nations claimed ownership of San Juan island.

http://www.pigwar.com/pigwar_sum2.html

Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off."
Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!"
You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."
The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
There's always a traffic jam on your street when she is mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even has any.
Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."
There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sounds like the Indy 500.
You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Orlando.
Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you.
Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"

To send an email to Fogie and try to attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.

Regarding "Poor Table Manners Lead to Stabbings"...

Maybe this was how the whole Peterson thing got started. -Jeff
[Lacy: Scott, why are you using your fingers on that roasted chicken instead of a knife? Are you a caveman?!
Scott: (to himself) Time to go fishing...]

Yet ANOTHER problem in our society... men who think its FUNNY and AMUSING. You didn't take my email seriously at all, did you? OK, so when Joe Blow kidnaps your daughter and rapes her then shoots her in the back of the head, don't look to me for pity. Remember, you think its FUNNY. -Lisa, Chicago
[No, none of us took your email seriously, similar in fashion to your boyfriend's view of your sex life.]

Al Gore invented poor table manners. -Mike
[I guess somebody had to say it.]

Which hand do you use when you stab a relative? We must be polite! -Steven, Hawley, PA
[I believe the rule is to pass from the left and stab to the right, and keep your napkin on your lap at all times.]

HOW STUPID! You only stab the relatives on Thanksgiving if they try to change the channel from football to some dumb parade. -Ricky
[The part I can't remember is whether you use the big fork or the little fork.]

Maybe we need a 60 day waiting period for Knives. -Paula
[Or a 30-day waiting period for a turkey.]

National Knife Association -- Protecting the rights of knife owners across the nation. WE WILL NOT BE DENIED THE RIGHT TO OWN KNIVES! -Lightkeeper
[Knives don't stab people... people stab people.]

Aren't we forgetting another victim in this story? What about the turkey? Is it OK? -Heather
[Taken into protective custody by PETA and is now undergoing therapy.]

Pure American brainwashing... I once watched a program about some very pretty Thai women, married to US citizens, who were coming to the US being lectured by a big fat American women on how to eat with a knife and fork instead of with chop sticks and/or their fingers. It is quite civilized to use your hands when eating some types of food and I think turkey is probably one of them. -Luke
[I eat mine with my toes.]

Men: ill-mannered asses as usual... what do you expect? This is typical behavior for a scum ball man. -Kim
[Oh, Knox! Have I got a girl for you! And, Kimmie, you are subscribed to this publication because...]

Regarding "Student Invents Glow-In-Dark Underwear"...

As a red-blooded American male, I think GloThongs are a great idea. Until, that is, my daughter wants a pair. Then I will hunt down and kill the SOB who markets these! -Dan, Urbana, IL
[And while you're doing that, the boys will be busy with your daughter, who they won't have any trouble finding at all. Just look for a skirt and follow the ground effects lighting.]

I hear that Ambercrombie and Gap Kids are already developing versions for girls under the age of 13. -Craig
[Don't tell Dan.]

That is so cool! I'd buy a pair or 2. Anyone want to help me put them on? -Amy, Huntington, WV
[60,000 or so Folly readers just raised their hands.]

General comments...

Fogie, Not only do I rarely, if ever, READ ads in e-mail pubs, I NEVER purchase the things advertised. But when you advertised the Virgin Mary cheese sandwich t-shirt, I hesitated only 1 second before purchasing it as a Christmas gift for a friend! Good job! -Amanda
[Welcome to the wonderful world of e-commerce, Amanda. So, how was your first time?]

Fogie, instead of insulting your readers when they email you, you should be nice. Remember, you get more flies with honey. Try to think positive! -Erin
[OK... I'm positive you suck.]

Fogie, were you breast fed? According to a study published in the AMA Journal, breastfeeding can add points to a child's later IQ. -Al
[Unfortunately, it doesn't work as well for husbands and boyfriends.]

I can't believe you passed up a chance to trash the Queen. A Blimeytown streaker bared all in front of QE2's Rolls during a royal procession in Newcastle. -Andre, UK
[Yeah, I saw the story... but her maj was spared any embarrassment however when three Scotland Yard body guards and the Bishop of Canterbury hurled themselves on her to block her view.]

How could Penthouse Mag make a mistake like this: they issued an apology after labeling a candid pic of a bare racked Judith Soltesz Benneton as a halterless Anna Kournikova in an issue. -J. Miller
[That's their second boob boo this year. In an earlier issue, they mixed up Desi Arnaz and Cameron Diaz.]

I just heard that Joey Buttafuco will face John Wayne Bobbitt in an episode of Celebrity Face Off. How low will these people go? -W.S.
[Good bet that Bobbitt goes down in the first round. Joey's cut man is Lorena.]

Did you know that Jerusalem's Eldon Hotel offers guests bullet proof vests and helmets for $100 weekly, available at the front desk. -Eldin, Bristol, CT
[But only if you book the Yasser Arafat Suite.]

After 15 years of marriage my wife and I split about 2 1/2 years ago, when I discovered she was having an affair with another man. During the divorce, it turned out that she had been sleeping with other men, constantly throughout our time together. This woman has even admitted, that she slept with another man on her hen night out, 2 days before our wedding. Looking back now, there were so many signs, but at the time, I was blinkered, and just didn't even consider it possible that she could do this. I can't believe just how naive I was. -Paul
[DYAMN! I can't believe you were blinkered! I hate to be blinkered. I mean, blinkeredness is the worst! I haven't been blinkered since I was in college, and even then it was only a pseudo-blinkering!]

This slave is looking for a demanding, sadistic, and controlling Mistress or Master for eventual real life enslavement. Will you be my Master, Fogie? -Ready For a New Life
[It's all settled... but when Mrs. Fogie refers to you as "the maid" or "the nanny", just pretend that you know what she's talking about.]


CONCERT TICKETS GIVEAWAY!

A fart is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide.

Elbonics

The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Holiday Markdowns at Walmart.com

Walmart.com is the place to shop for the hottest toys, electronics, items for the home, and more! Plus, we've permanently marked down some of the most popular holiday items, while there's still time to shop!

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Walmart.com Permanent Markdown! Emerson DVD-VCR Combo Player Only $79.86

Walmart.com Permanent Markdown! Black & Decker Electric Jar Opener Only $28.42

Walmart.com Permanent Markdown! Hamilton Beach 12-Cup Coffee Maker Only $32.74

Walmart.com Permanent Markdown! Sportcraft Slam Dunk Double Basketball Game Only $79.74

Basketbrawl - THE clip of the Pistons VS Pacers VS Fans!

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