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| Fogie's
Follies, Frolics & Funnies |
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| Only
those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they
can go. -T.S. Eliot |
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[Fleas on my dog!]
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Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth
a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a
manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the
angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring
you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is
Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee
who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph,
angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable
was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to
land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole
thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he
said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer
over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid
sectarian strife.
"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee,
who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared,
judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it
with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to
clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen,
too," he said. "No court can resist that."
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with
snowmen?"
"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the
subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.
Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the
Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too
tattered and worn in the picture.
"Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show
the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society
in winter," he quipped.
"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full,"
said Mary.
"Whatever," said the painter.
Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to
Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The
other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged
more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of
single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.
"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but
she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling
clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural
movement of babies.
With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot
infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to
the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over
how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites)
had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate
religious character.
An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had
been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and
whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in
the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like
a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the
man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque
backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message
of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing
manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing
that stables are "penned environments" where animals
are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about
elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear,
referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said
the halo on Jesus' head was elitist.
Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?"
she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to
attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species,
maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our
Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped
patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess
religion?"
"None of the above," said the woman, "I just
wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough,
the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're
all male!" And "Not very multicultural!"
"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.
"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone
shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished
lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.
A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done
well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane
person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident
female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing,
though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn
to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance,
instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,'
why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"
Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history
to deliver the
message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"
"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember,
your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't
push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations
yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have
big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."
"Let me get back to you," Mary said.
Correct Politically,
me |
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A minister of a church loved peach brandy. One of his
congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One
year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping
for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed
as he unwrapped the homemade brandy. However, his friend
told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy
from the pulpit the next Sunday.
So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that
he had to make a public announcement that he was being
supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning,
his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face,
waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before
we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like
to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches...
and for the spirit in which they were given!" |
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Why does Santa wear red underwear?
He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load |
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I remember the time Uncle Rick brought back some meat
from his deer-hunting trip and joked that he and his buddies
shot Rudolph and took him to the locker for processing.
We all had a good laugh over dinner -- but things got
mighty quiet later when cousin Rudy never came home.
-Brad
Simanek, www.slightlyamusing.com |
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[Thanks to Ruminations
(http://www.ruminate.com/)
for all of these.]
Every December 24th, I find a jolly fat man and follow
him from house to house all evening. Wherever he goes,
I go. I call it my Christmas stalking.
~Ian
Dauphinee
At Bob's Plumbing and Ballet Company, their presentation
of Swan Leak isn't that impressive, but come Christmastime,
their rendition of The Buttcracker is to die for.
~Randy
Lee
Looking back, I realize not getting that "Li'l Jack
The Ripper Prostitute Mutilation Playset" for Christmas
was the single most devastating and influential event
in my life, and is the reason that I became the cruel
and sadistic murderer I am today. That, and all of my
awful experiences at the Happy-Go-Lucky Funtime Irony
School.
~Chris
Woodall
There I was, holding up a bank, three people already
dead and the bomb ticking away in the back room, when
it suddenly hit me... Santa was watching the whole thing!
~Jerry
L. Embry |
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| Pull
Fogie's Finger!
We have teamed up with Prank
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 Pocket
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fast. Available from Prank
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Click here to get
yours or check out other fun stuff today! |
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British Colombians
Prefer Nude Online Shopping
It seems that British Colombians don't like shopping
in malls and would rather buy online at home in the nude.
According to a seasonal survey by the Vancouver Sun more
than 46 percent of Canadians would rather visit their
in-laws than shop at a mall during the Christmas rush
season. More than 14 per cent of British Colombians prefer
to disrobe to shop online. Apparently the national average
is only four per cent. There were no figures for conventional
shoppers who preferred to get their clothes off.
I did a little research and discovered that the Spanish
first visited the area in 1774 and the area was disputed
between them and the Russians. The first permanent colony,
in Victoria, was established by the British in 1843. Shopping
was always conducted fully clothed due to an ancient British
tradition of not getting your kit off even when you were
having a bath.
[I have no idea why so
many British Colombians are so interested in nude online
shopping. I thought they only cut down trees, and wore
high heels, suspenders and a bra just like the rest of
Canada.] |
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Major Merger
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers
and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference
that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source
said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300
years.
While details were not available at press time, it is
believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days
of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive
for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world
will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service
during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is
being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and
maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the
conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened
there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic
Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed
that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast
merchandising resources for buying and delivering their
gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up
the agreement for at least three hundred years was the
question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and
cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner.
A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally
declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about
this development except for Santa's dentist. He then closed
the press conference by leading all present in a rousing
rendition of "Oy, Come all Ye Faithful". |
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Little Johnny wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send
me a sister."
Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." |
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Shake
The Christmas Globe
[Thanks to CiscoKid]
Turn your speakers on, grab the globe with your mouse
and give it a good shake!
http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm
Santa Tracking
If you're unable to ascertain Santa's exact location,
try the Norad Tracks Santa Website. You'll want to visit
the site early to make sure that you have everything set
up just right for your own personal tracking of Santa
with his reindeer. You'll have access to classified information
about this nocturnal visitor, from the amount of cookies
that he has eaten, how he gets down the chimney, to pictures
of him from past Christmases. This is a fun web site to
help you enjoy Christmas with your small children and
grandchildren, or just for your own information if you
don't have little ones around the house!
http://www.noradsanta.org/
Scared of Santa
Photo Gallery
Not every kid enjoys being taken to see Santa Claus and
sit
on his lap. You'll laugh at the horrified expressions
on the
faces of these kids in the real life pictures.
http://www.southflorida.com/events/sfl-scaredsanta,0,2245506.photogallery
Christmas Eve
With Santa
Starting the evening of December 24th, you can follow
Santa on his way from the North Pole. Special cameras
are trained to capture Santa and his team of special reindeer!
http://www.christmasevewithsanta.com/
Create a Snowflake
Create a snowflake by clicking the "CREATE A SNOWFLAKE"
area under the forest. Then fill in your info to add it
to the forest! Once you’re done, click on ANY snowflake
falling in the forest & you can read about it’s
creator & where they’re from & any personal
message they put in!
http://www.popularfront.com/seasonsgreetings/ |
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 Your
PC is probably infected with adware & spyware if:
* You have downloaded music online
* Your PC is running extremely slow
* You are pestered by those horrible popup ads
Don't let people invade your privacy and slow
down your PC! Try
NoAdware for FREE and see for yourself if
your PC is infected! |
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Christmas
Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
- Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear?
- Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented
Are
- Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
- Narcissistic - Hark The Herald Angels Sing About
Me
- Manic - Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Offices and towns and Cars
and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
- Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
- Borderline Personality - Thoughts Of Roasting On
An Open Fire
- Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
- Obsessive Compulsive - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..............
You Might Be
A SCROOGE If...
- You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to
keep carolers away.
- You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that
also sells gas.
- Your favorite Christmas ornament depicts Santa Claus
shooting a moon.
- Your favorite Christmas movie is "Jurassic Park".
- Your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland"
stars Michael Jackson.
- You get your Christmas Tree from a rest stop at night.
- You think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a
Rocky movie.
- Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer
and a cheese log.
- Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas
Eve is gin, brandy, and bourbon.
- You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling
tickets.
- Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
- Your favorite Christmas tradition involves a bonfire
and reindeer meat.
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| Santa
Names from Around the World Austria
- Weihnachtsmann, Nikolaus
Belgium and the Netherlands - Black Pete, Christkind,
Noel and Saint Nicholas
Brazil - Papai Noel
China - Che Dun Lao Ren
Denmark - Julemanden
England - Father Christmas
Estonian - Jouluvana
Finland - Joulupukki, Old Man Christmas
France - Pere Noel or le Petit
Germany - Weihnachtsmann, Nikolaus
Holland - Sinterklaas
Iceland - Jolasveinn
Italy - Babbo Natale
Japan - Santa Kurousu
Lithuania - Kaledu Senu
Mexico - San Nicolás, Santa
Norway - Julenissen
Poland - Star Man or Wise Men
Russia - Grandfather Frost (Ded Moroz), Dedushka Moroz
Serbo-Croation - Bozic Bata. Sveti Nickola
Spain - Three Kings
Sweden - Jultomten
Switzerland - Saint Nicholas, Chriskind
Christmas Pudding
Plum porridge - a soft, sweet mixture enriched with
dried fruit, known as plums - was a luxury for Elizabethans.
In the eighteenth century, this evolved into a thicker
plum pudding. One firm, Matthew Walker of Derby now makes
some 16 million a year - 40 percent of the world's Christmas
puddings. |
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Darf
The least attractive side of a Christmas tree that ends
up facing the wall. |
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|  Santa's
Little Helper
Cindy's Christmas wishes haven't always come true but
this year could be different when a failed blind date
helps her find the real reason for the season.
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 White
Trash Christmas
Nothing says Christmas like a heart-felt carol sung at
the top of the lungs! Seattle DJs Bob, Spike and Joe put
a new spin on Bing Crosby's holiday classic, "White
Christmas." Feast your eyes -- and ears -- on the
catchy revisionist Christmas carol that pays tribute to
low-budget living!
PLUS...
A holiday audio file that definitely isn't from the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir!
Just click here
to go to the FREE
Member's Area
for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other
stuff! |
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