The New Year's Eve party had turned into a regular marathon with numerous guests coming and going.

At one point, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to the bar in the basement.

He sat there happily for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. "You know," he confided to his host, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway."

The guest continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved."

"The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to."
      ~P.J. O'Rourke

"Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
[Going a li'l far to make a point, don't ya think?]

"Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?"
[You don't need my help here.]

"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
[What a guy!]

"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
[No-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

"War Dims Hope for Peace"
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"
[You think?!?]

"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
[Who would have thought!]

"Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
[They may be on to something!]

"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
[Weren't they fat enough?]

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
[No more Taco Bell for the pre-launch meal.]

"Kids Make Nutritious Snacks"
[They taste just like chicken.]

"Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"
[That was really giving of himself.]

"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
[That's a helluva "no tolerance" policy!]

"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
[Nuff said!]

Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

  1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

  2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

  3. Read less. Makes you think.

  4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

  5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

  6. Don't date any of the Baywatch cast.

  7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

  8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball
of twine.

  9. Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

11. Don't have eight children at once.

12. Get in a whole NEW rut!

13. Start being superstitious.

14. Personal goal: bring back disco.

15. Don't wrestle with Jesse Ventura.

16. Don't bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

22. Not eat cloned meat.

23. Create loose ends.

24. Get more toys.

25. Get further in debt.

26. Not believe politicians.

27. Break at least one traffic law.

28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

31. Stay off the MIR space station.

32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.

33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.

34. Not swim with piranhas or sharks.

35. Associate with even worse business clients.

36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

37. Wait around for opportunity.

38. Focus on the faults of others.

39. Mope about my faults.

40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

On New Year's Eve, a police officer was staking out a particular rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he was able to start his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyser test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded: "how can this be?"

The driver replied, "Because tonight, officer, I'm the designated decoy!"

2005 - The Year in Review

Since 2005 will probably go by just as fast (or even faster) than 2004, National Lampoon has decided to beat the competition by being the first news source to give you their 2005 retrospective— now rather than later.

http://www.nationallampoon.com/nl/08_features/2005/2005.asp

Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905 .. one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the US statistics for 1905:

• The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
• Only 14% of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
• Only 8%of the homes had a telephone.
• A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00
• There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
• The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
• The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
• The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
• A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year.
• A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.
• A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
• More than 95% of all births in the US took place at home.
• 90% of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
• Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
• Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
• Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
• The five leading causes of death in the US were:
  1. Pneumonia and influenza
  2. Tuberculosis
  3. Diarrhea
  4. Heart disease
  5. Stroke
• The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
• There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
• Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated high school.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
• 18% of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
• There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US

Petrie Dish

Mary Tyler Moore about 35 years ago.

Have a very LARGE year, Folliers!!!

me