Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies
Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot
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[It's the cheesiest.]
 
Golden Web Award
 Fogie's Folly

Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!

One rainy lunch-hour, Dwight and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

Dwight then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.

With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."

AAAly,

me

Lead, FOLLY or get out of the way with Folly Fru-Fru!

Clothing, hats, mugs, mousepads, posters and more... some even have the soon-to-be-famous pic of Fogie himself. Now you can wish everyone a LARGE day!!! Today's featured item...

Support This SiteWinter Blowout Sale!

Check out the savings on many items from ALL of our designs!

Click here to get yours or check out our other Fru-Fru today!

 Thanks to Ron, Richardson, TX

All he asked for was a little good-night kiss, but she haughtily rebuffed him with, "I don’t do that sort of thing on my first date!"

"Well," he replied with sarcasm, "how about on your last?"

Blockbuster vs. NetFlix!  You decide!

Blockbuster 120x90 Static VS. Try Netflix for Free!

 Random Thought
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said, "Implants?" She hit me.
 Notable Quotables
"I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future."
      ~Richard Jeni

"There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says, 'Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I'd fight him.' As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry."
      ~Larry Miller

"Iceland will soon be holding its first ever rap festival. Because when you think hip-hop you think Iceland."
      ~Craig Kilborn

Pull Fogie's Finger!

We have teamed up with Prank Place and GagsPlus to bring you the web's largest collection of outrageous pranks, practical jokes, gag gifts and funny novelties. Although they have several items in common, each also carries its own unique products. So, be sure to check out both! Today's featured item...

Click here!!!Trailer Trash Talking Doll

We're so sick of Barbie and her perfect world we need a drink.

And along came Trailer Trash Turleen, to pour that drink for us..

You've never seen a doll quite like this, I guarantee you. She's 12 inches of pure white trailer trash, and the best (worst?) part is that even this tiny specimen of womanhood can talk. Amazing. Tickle her pregnant belly and try to smile as she spits her favorite brew in your face while saying some of the most hilarious things you've never heard. (Available from GagsPlus.)

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 Notorious News
Man Mistakenly Deemed Dead Leaves Hospital

LOUISBURG, N.C. - A man who was hit by a car and mistakenly declared dead is out of the hospital and continuing his recovery in a rehabilitation center, relatives said.

Larry Green was hit by a car the night of Jan. 24 as he walked home after buying beer. Green, 29, was examined on the scene by paramedics and a medical examiner, declared dead and his body taken to a morgue. There, 2 1/2 hours after the accident, the same medical examiner detected signs of life. He was hospitalized.

Family members said Green was released from Duke Hospital late last week and was in a care facility in Wilson. Family friend Abdul Ahmed said his progress has been slow but promising. Green suffered a severe head injury, broken leg and is paralyzed.

"When you call his name he can understand you want to talk to him, and when he looks at you he knows who you are," Ahmed said.

Two of the four paramedics who treated Green were fired and their credentials suspended, though the credential of one has been reinstated pending an administrative hearing. The other two were ordered to take remedial training. The medical examiner was not disciplined.

[The same thing happened to me, except, I wasn't in the morgue. And I hadn't been in an accident. And the para-medics didn't screw up. Actually, I was trying to pick apples and climbed the tree to get a nicer looking one. A branch broke, and I fell about 8 feet, landing on my back. Knocked the wind out of me. Ok, at the time you could have convinced me I would never catch my breath again.]

 Thanks to Diane, MN

Upgrading Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

 Thanks to Spritz, Little Tokyo

A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing wife is standing outside. "What happened, honey?" the man asks.

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking when the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........"

"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"

 Lock & Load Link
Soap Carving

Some consumers enjoy soap carving... these are the same consumers that probably make our Notorious News section.

http://www.ivory.com/fun/

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 Ludicrous List
[Steven Cojocaru, who covers fashion for "Entertainment Tonight," recently underwent a successful kidney transplant due to polycystic kidney disease. More info about his condition and his career are at http://www.pkdcure.org/feature_cojo.htm.]

The Top 7 Things Overheard During Cojo's Surgery

7> "So, Mr. Cojocaru, is it true that after three martinis Mary Hart turns into a little tramp? Hemorrhage once for 'yes' and twice for 'no.'"

6> "Scalpel. Sponge. Eyeliner."

5> "Doctor, the patient has insisted that we not disturb his Martha Stewart tattoo with the incision."

4> "A little exfoliation wouldn't hurt him a bit -- especially while he's under."

3> "Sorry, but kidney-shaped kidneys are the only ones we have available."

2> "No, no, no! You do not use surgical steel with green fatigues after dinner time -- it's the blue scrubs, or switch to the instruments with the mother-of-pearl handles. What do they teach you people in medical school these days?"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Thing Overheard During Cojo's Surgery...

1> "While we're at it, do you want us to remove the paparazzo who's been living behind your pancreas?"

Copyright 2005 by Chris White
http://www.topfive.com

 Folly Fallout

To send an email to Fogie and try to attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.

Regarding "Mary Kay Letourneau and Former Student Set Wedding Date"...

Maybe people will finally understand that "children" of 12, 13, 14 or so can fall in love and can have full, consenting sexual lives without damage or coercion. Of course, usually this happens with a peer, not an older person. I think this woman's only real sin was in cheating on her husband. The commitment she made to him should have been honored. But surely this boy's commitment to her and her willingness to face punishment without forsaking her love is admirable. I wish them happiness. -Lydia
[So, I take it that if your 12 year old daughter were to fall in love with and have sex with a 34 year old man, you'd approve? Or would you be a hypocrite and demand that the man's testicles be cut off?]

I can't believe people are actually buying gifts for these two. If you want to spend money, donate it to the four kids she left behind without a thought who will need psychological help after reading this garbage about their mom in the newspaper!! How disgusting for people to call this love. This is NOT love. Love waits. This is about a sick piece of shit woman who MOLESTED a 12 year old boy, who became a father of two before he was 16! -Sweetly Emotional
[I'm with Rhonda from the last issue... Sounds like a Hallmark movie to me.]

I don't understand the people out there who are giving this woman sympathy. She preyed on a 12 year old child and messed him up mentally and still won't leave him alone. Does he really love her? Or does he even know his own mind thanks to her manipulation of him when he was a child. -Asta
[What makes you think ANY male knows his own mind when it comes to love and sex?]

SHE SERVED HER TIME! She's paid her debt. Leave her alone. It's over! -Llyod
[Come on, over?!? She not only raped this child physically but she also violated him emotionally. This kid had a child at 13 with his 34 year old teacher, thus destroying any hope of a normal adolescence. At 21, he has no high school diploma, no job, no skills, two kids and is marrying his rapist; there is little hope that he will grow up to be a healthy, functional member of society. Over? This dysfunctional adult hurt a child, handing him a dysfunctional life as well; now they'll be together in one big dysfunctional family with both having questionable, at best, parenting skills (just ask the 4 kids she left for this mess), so their children will probably end up dysfunctional as well. Over? Yeah, quite the freakin' Brady Bunch we got goin' here.]

This woman shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children let alone start popping out kids with her victim. -Buttercup
[While I agree with the sentiment, something a tad more cerebral would've been great.]

They'll be on Jerry Springer in 2 years- Doug
[Making them the most famous couple in the Felony Flats Trailer Park.]

The woman is a manipulative psychopath that abused her position of authority as a teacher and sexually assaulted and abused a minor. -Lily
[Gee, when you put it that way it kinda turns me on.]

What would she do if, in the very near future, this were to happen to her own daughter?????? I'll bet she wouldn't find it a "love story"! -April, Michigan
["Ten is much too young to start having sex, especially with a man who's 35. Wait until you're 12!"]

Has anyone considered the POSSIBILITY that this 21 year old and this 43 year old are in love? -Woody
[Why bring up details when we all want to be outraged and ridicule them? Spoil sport!]

Regarding "Let's Leave Some Little Hamster Magazines, Too"...

So, my dog WATCHES TV & barks at the animals he sees. -Mark, Louisiana
[Mine's just the typical "drink outta the toilet, lick his own and the cat's butts, then feast on the contents of the litter box before giving me a big sloppy wet kiss" kinda dog.]

A nice thought... It says a lot about the fellow if he went to all the trouble to care for his pet like that though. Hats off to him. -Ty
[Being that they're nocturnal, I doubt the hamster appreciated the lights being on all that much.]

What would we do without Fogie delivering the burning news of the day? This story has zero on the newsworthy, cute or odd front. -Peter
[Similar to the "Peter Personality Profile".]

MISLEADING HEADLINE! INCOMPLETE STORY! "Let's Leave Some Little Hamster Magazines Too"? So what about the magazines!? -Laura
[Better Cages and Sawdust, Rodent's Home Journal, Playmouse, and a Richard Gere fan mag.]

I thought bright lights and loud music was supposed to be torture! Instead of being commended the pet owner should be jailed! Cruel,cruel, cruel!! -Greg
[Well, we wouldn't want the little fella to fall asleep at the wheel, would we?]

General comments...

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to ban sales of junk food in all California public schools. -Rosie
[Code name "Operation Last Action Twinkie".]

out of curiosity, what was your SAT score? -Shelby
[Whatever yours was... multiply by five. Unless you're from Alabama, then multiply by ten.]

Better be careful Fogie -- Limp Bizkit guitarist Fred Durst is suing several web sites for posting a video of him having sex with his girlfriend. -Sheila
[And removing any doubt as to the genesis of the group's name.]

Hey Fogie, You always have an insult to give to all women who write to you. Why don't you just admit that you are gay and you only like guys? -Patty
[Dear Putty, the reason that 90 percent of the comments I publish are from women is because 90 percent of the comments I receive are from women. This would lead any normal thinking person to conclude that the gross (and I do mean gross) majority of subscribers who write in are women. Which would further conclude that more dumb wenches are writing in to be insulted than men. Do you have some self-esteem issues, Putty?]

Hey Fogie What's the matter? Your mother never showed you enough loving? Or maybe she showed you too much loving? Did she used to beat you all the time? Is that why you your so hostile to everyone? -James
[Of course, it could be that I publish more comments from women because all of the comments I receive from men are along the lines of this pinhead's plebeian gibberish.]

Did you hear that the eight hundred and fifty sex abuse lawsuits against California priests have been lumped geographically into three consolidated cases labeled 'Clergy I,' Clergy II' and 'Clergy III'. LOL! -Janet
[Referred to by cynical court personnel as "The Holy Trinity".]

There are occasions Fogie, that I agree with you 100%. This PC crap has gone way too far. Some of these sex challenged wildebeests hunt discrimination like it was an olympic event. I have even had cause to berate such a female in my office when she inferred that I had offensive material on my work computer. And to think I had been considering giving her charity sex for Xmas. -Steve
[Do tell... and they haven't nominated you for sainthood yet?]

You know wut? I like your coloumn. u give me good comebacks i can use when me n my friend joke around. thanks buddy! u're so kool. -Kaylyn
[And you're so illiterate.]

Looks like the Far East is catching up with Western values... China's divorce rate rose 21% in 2004. -Todd
[Actually, most of the failed unions were found to be extremely accurate knock-offs.]

Fogie, saw some news from your part of the country and it made me think of you... Rangers rescued four hikers stranded in snow in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. -Charlie
[Yeah, they were airlifted from a deep gorge known locally as "Dolly's Cleavage".]

Do you follow baseball? How are my SF Giants going to do this year? -Don
[The projected opening lineup of the team is made up of players whose average age is 36. Thus, I would look for:
Early-Bird double headers
Bats with arthritic grips
Designated physical therapist
RBI's that include player's PSA
No more showers... sitz baths.]

We have a new home with fireplace and jacuzzi in our bedroom, we are ready to swing with a hot cpl, bi-fem.or str.male! mainly looking for a sexy male... how about you Fogie? -Attractive XXX Cpl
[It's the caricature on the home page that makes me irresistible, isn't it?]

Always looking for discreet sexual affairs. -Chrissy
[By definition, isn't it kinda tough to look for something discreet?]

Ever dreamed of making it with a fan Fogie? -Fanticy
[Based on what I know about most of my readers, I'd call it more of a nightmare.]

If you are ever curious about the gay side, Fogie, let me know. -Nevada Nude Dude
[And if you're ever curious about having my foot up your arse, let me know.]

 Trivial Tidbit
Our stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every 2 weeks or else it will digest itself.
 Word Whimsy

Fobia

The fear of misspelled words.

bright-free-120x90Note CardsPoker Party Essentials
 Pic O’ The Day

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me

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