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Regarding
"Family Seeks Easter Eggs Full of Cash"...
You stated, "The makeup of most of the patrons who shop
Salvation Army thrift stores would probably be lower class,
those who are socioeconomicly downtrodden, the poor in general,
crack addicts and hos... Yeah, I'd say the money will be returned."
What a tacky and irresponsible generalization! You arrogant,
egomaniacal, pompous, eccentric jerk! -Jennifer
[You forgot "superior".]
What makes you so special that you think only pimps, drug dealers
and prostitutes shop from thrift stores? I have found several
bargains on quality merchandise in some of my local thrift shops!
-Alex
[So, are you a pimp, drug dealer
or ho?]
Your comment was tacky and tasteless! You should apologize
to those you may have offended and all of your readers! -Sexy
Shawna
[OK... I apologize for that incredibly
tacky and tasteless statement. I am a bad man. I need a spanking.
Now, tell us about yourself, Shawna.]
God SMOTE those people because they did in Gramma. Some poor
crack head who got the guilts about leaving the kids alone for
days at a time bought those eggs, and when she saw what was
in them went on a right proper bender. I'll bet her kids burnt
down the tenement building with themselves inside, and She still
has no idea, seeing that she is still coked to the gills in
some skid row motel room. Seems Gramma's good intentions are
teaching a lot of lessons in that part of the world. Those poor
people. -Christopher
[I'll take divine intervention
for $500,000 Alex.]
I just hope that everybody is aware that if you deposit more
than ten grand in cash into a bank at one time, they have to
file a rat form with the irs. now that could lead to a REAL
tragedy. -Pete, Grand Prarie, TX
[Not necessarily! The crack ho
who bought the eggs may have had an epiphany... a voice in her
ear told her on the downlow to be a web designer, and since
anybody can be a web designer in 24 hours, there was her shingle
hanging up over her unit in the housing project. Along came
Killa, head of the local Crips, who aksed her "you be doin'
web design?" She said, "Right on, bro," and he
said "I wanna branch out into the only netbiz makes any
quan, and we all knows what dat is." Soon enough, she was
webmaster for mcporn.com, and since she knew every 14 year old
pregnant crack ho in the hood, it wasn't long before she prevailed
on Killa to steal a digital camera from Best Buy, and by nightfall
alla da homegirls was immortalized in full frontal, and two
of them said to themselves "WOW! I's can go to college
now and still have enough money for bling," and they're
on their way to associate degrees in b'ness with a view to selling
insurance because they know that you can make more money staging
fake auto accidents through the duck and swoop method than could
fit in all the plastic easter eggs in the world, let alone the
east side. And Rufus, the local chiropracter, is on board now
as well as Morris the attuhney, who was almost disbarred when
he shtupped the opposing party in a divorce case and charged
his client $250/hour for the pleasure, and they all on the right
beat now in the ownership society of G. Dubbya!]
So this is what they mean by a nest egg! -Zippy, Washington
DC
[Actually, grandma was going to
hide the eggs for herself on Saturday. With her Alzheimer's
she would have forgotten where they were by Sunday morning.]
General
comments...
Links between the ancient Maya and Ukuleles, Ornithoilogy,
the Chinese and Afro-Americans both came up with barbecued Ribs,
and Jews and the Irish both invented corned beef. Is this evidence
of Aliens? -Bil & Miz J
[No. Your parents, however...]
The reader comment section really cracks me up the most. The
more letters the merrier. Keep up the good work and if you start
running out of insults, I have plenty. -PeterN, in Connecticut
[Yeah, I bet you hear them a lot.]
I love the way you tell it like it is, straight up. My mouth
has made me a few enemies in my time, oh well, if they don't
like the truth-don't ask! -Tyler
[It's most likely your breath
that's making enemies.]
Fogie, has the king become a pawn? The ceremony of the pope
used to be called a coronation when popes wore crowns, now it's
just an "installation". -Mark
[That's because the traditional
crown was sold several years ago on e-Bay to cover mounting
legal fees.]
Hi Fogie. I am a big believer in fate. Do you believe in fate,
do you know what your fate is? Or are you just doing this job
to torture yourself and us readers? -Maggie, Crescent City,
CA
[Fate is what mental midgets use
to explain why their lives stink.]
How can it be that four senior officers overseeing prison policies
at Abu Ghraib prison were cleared of any responsibility for
the abuse of inmates? Did they not bear ANY responsibility or
did they just hang the little guys out to take the punishment?!?
-Karen, Alexandria, IN
[They had a foolproof alibi: they
were all busy overseeing the looting of Iraq's major art museums
and directing distribution of Saddam's arms and ammo to the
insurgents.]
I see athlete thugs are at it again... baseball star Jose Canseco
and his brother were assessed $700,000 in damages in a suit
brought by two men they beat up in a Miami nightclub. Will these
prima donna's ever learn? -April
[Not to worry. The boys will recoup
most of it from Pete Rose who wagered that they'd beat the rap.]
Fogie you are a pig-brained idiot. The putrescent stench you
call writing makes me want to vomit all over you. You are an
egregious ass and your pointless drivel sends me to depths of
boredom which I never experience with the exception of the times
that I read your column. -Your Loving Fan, Kaleigh
[Aren't I lucky to be blessed
with devoted fans like this. Speaking of a 'putrescent stench'
did a donkey just take a dump or did you raise your arms?]
well the only thing i have to say to you....oh i know your
dying to read this....screw you!!! -Kimmer
[Spent all weekend thinking that
one up, did you?]
Fogie, you southerners have got to get a grip! I just read
about a proposed Alabama bill that would ban books by gay and
lesbian authors from public schools and libraries. Censorship
is alive and well in the south! -Haley
[Tennessee Williams? No way. Esther
Williams? They're still checking.]
You always pick the lowest of your fans to 'quote' don't you.
-David, Knoxville, TN
[Yup, I do.]
I couldn't agree more with your take on the world... that's
the same reason everything costs so much anymore... we're idiots
and shoved a plunger up our behind and now we'll sue the plunger
manufacturer cause they didn't warn us of the danger inherrent
in shoving said plunger where it don't belong... But when said
plunger is our current government reps... well most of us just
live with the discomfort... What a bunch of peabrains! -Michele
[You seem to have some sort of
fixation about having something shoved up your butt.]
Fogie, what do you think of John Bolton's UN ambassadorship
appointment? It appears to be in trouble already! -Charlie
[Luckily, John's lucrative offer
to replace Wilfred Brimley hawking mail-order diabetic supplies
is still on track.]
i love what you write, whats up with all these people complaining
about you, they need to shut the heck up or just die, there
are a lot of dumbasses in this world and we all have the right
to say what ever we want to say about them. -Lisa
[Oh, joy, I have another emotionally
unstable, chronically depressed teenage girl on my list. How
can one person have so much luck?]
I see G. Dubbya's (non)environmental plan is going well...
the new energy bill opens up Alaskan refuges for drilling and
includes $12 billion in tax breaks and subsidies for energy
companies. Geesh! -Vic, Salida, CO
[GOP fat cats celebrated the bill's
passing at a $1000 a plate dinner in the Waldorf Astoria's Exxon
Valdez Room.]
We keep our eyes wide open all the time. We keep our pants
up with a piece of twine. Say you'll be mine, I'll pull the
twine! -Bil & Miz J
[Hallmark it ain't, but I like
it.]
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