Mrs. Fogie and I were lying in bed the other night when I noticed
she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American
Women Want."
I grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through
the pages.
My wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think
you're doing?"
I calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled
my name right."
Have a very LARGE
day, Folliers!
Adonisly,
me
We
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Thanks
to Richard, Swindon, UK
A man was showing his friend a new set of matched golf
clubs he had just bought.
"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend.
"My wife and I have been gaining too much weight
and we went to see the doctor about it. He said we needed
more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought
myself this set of golf clubs."
"What about your wife?" the friend asked. "What
did you buy her?"
"A new lawn mower," the golfer said.
Shirley's RessyPees
Be sure to try out Miz Shirley's
"RESSYPEES"
She is a powerful good cook,
and shes sharin notes...
To Join up Send a blank E_Mail to: ressypees-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Random
Thought
Some people are like slinkies... not really good for anything,
but it's still fun to watch them tumble down the stairs.
Notable
Quotables
"One time we were driving through a construction
zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there
were four of us in the car. We were through there in no
time." ~Geechy
Guy
"Ever notice how it's a penny
for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone
is making a penny on the deal." ~Steven
Wright
"How come when you mix water and flour together
you get glue? And then you add eggs and sugar and you
get cake? Where does the glue go?" ~Rita
Rudner
Notorious
News
For Now,
Ore. Ex-Prostitutes Can't Teach
PORTLAND, Ore. - A handful of times in the last few years,
the members of the Oregon commission charged with determining
who will get a license to teach in the state's public
schools have found themselves faced with an application
from a former prostitute.
But under state law, commissioners have had to turn down
the applications, regardless of any potentially mitigating
circumstances. Unlike in the neighboring states of California,
Nevada, Idaho and Washington, in Oregon, it doesn't matter
if the prostitution conviction came at a tender age, if
the woman herself was a victim of sexual abuse or forced
into prostitution, or if she has since managed to right
herself and her life.
Now, a bill that would have brought Oregon's policies
in line with its border states has died in the state Senate,
after strong signals that even if had made it past the
full body of senators, it would not have survived in the
Republican-controlled House of Representatives.
"You don't get past the headline. You just don't
get past it," said Dave Mowry, an aide to Rep. Linda
Flores, R-Clackamas, who chairs the House Education Committee,
where the bill would have landed had it cleared the state
Senate.
The bill, sponsored by Sen. Margaret Carter, D-Portland,
would have allowed a school district to employ a woman
convicted of prostitution if at least seven years had
passed since the conviction, and if she has not been convicted
of any other crime in the interim. It would not have given
a blanket okay to all teacher applicants with a prostitution
conviction on their record, but instead would have allowed
members of the Oregon Teacher Standards and Practices
Commission to evaluate each application on a case-by-case
basis — the current practice in California, Washington,
Nevada and Idaho.
"Many of these women go to school and turn their
lives around," Carter said. "They get a job
and then one day someone comes and taps them on the shoulder
and says, 'We found out you were involved in prostitution,
and we've got to let you go from your job.' This is a
misdemeanor crime, and yet we don't want to forgive these
women and let them live lives of economic stability."
The proposal did pass out of the Senate Education Committee
with support from Republican Sen. Charles Starr of Hillsboro,
but Carter then made a motion to send it back to committee.
"I could not have gotten enough votes on the Senate
floor because my colleagues were afraid that people were
going to be calling them and saying, "You're going
to be putting prostitutes in the schools,'" Carter
said.
Carter said she also had been told that even if the bill
passed in the Senate, the House would refuse to take it
up. "Rather than cause a big fight on the floor under
those circumstances, I just took it back," she said.
Oregon law prohibits anyone who has been convicted of
a lengthy list of felony crimes, including murder, kidnapping,
rape, sodomy and incest, from receiving a teaching license,
said Vickie Chamberlain, the director of the teacher standards
commission.
Carter said she plans to resubmit the bill in the 2007
session. "I'm a little disappointed in myself that
I didn't just push it through," she said.
[I think they need to lighten
up. If the chick can earn a baccalaureate or a masters
in education, I say let her teach! After all, look at
Mary Kay LeTourneau and what she had to share with her
pupil, and let's not forget priests and the lessons they
teach their students.]
Thanks
to Alan, Knoxville, TN
Young son: "Is it true Dad, that
in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
At a cocktail party, one woman said
to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring
on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
[Just
guessin' here, Al, but did your wife tell you to send
these in?]
I
search the web so you don't have to.
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Pull
Fogie's Finger!
We have teamed up with Prank
Place and GagsPlus
to bring you the web's largest collection of outrageous pranks,
practical jokes, gag gifts and funny novelties. Although they
have several items in common, each also carries its own unique
products. So, be sure to check out both! Today's featured
item...
Golf Pranks
& Trick Golf Balls
Most golfers take their game pretty seriously, but everyone
needs to laugh every now and then. Have some fun on the greens
and fairways with our hilarious lineup of golfing pranks and
gags. From our trick golf balls to our funny golf games, we
have everything you could want to have some laughs with the
golfers in your life!
Click here
to get yours or check out other fun stuff today!
Lead,
FOLLY or get out of the way with
Folly Fru-Fru!
Clothing, hats, mugs, mousepads, posters and more... some even
have the soon-to-be-famous pic of Fogie himself. Now you can
wish everyone a LARGE
day!!! Today's featured item...
Fogie's
LARGE North American Tour Fru-Fru
In case you missed Fogie while he was on tour or failed to
get a shirt when you saw him live, now's your chance to get
his official tour memorabilia. Choose from the tour logo image
or the tour cities image (from Assawoman, VA to Weiner, AR)
or select an item that has both!
Click here
to get yours or check out our other Fru-Fru today!
Thanks
to Rita, Hickory, NC
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest
celebrating and drinking. Friar Tuck started to sing louder
and louder with each drink. Robin, fearing that the Sheriff's
men might hear the band celebrate, dragged the friar into
the woods and threw him in the river... but Tuck climbed
out without missing a note.
The moral of the story? You can lead a drunk to water,
but you cannot make him hoarse.
Lock &
Load Link
DigiBarn
Computer Museum
The DigiBarn
Computer Museum seeks to capture personal stories and
track technological evolution through a large collection
of vintage computer systems, manuals, videos, interviews,
and other fossil relics of the "Cambrian explosion"
of personal computing that ignited in 1975.
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon
tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. '65 Ford Fairlane
B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C. '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity
of 20 gallons of 'shine produced per hour, how many car
radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700
RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested
is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average
tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be
drunk before the trees are cut down?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge
of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease
in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch
centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet
and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch
rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound
dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow
with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children.
Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on
the man's land and still have enough property for their
electric appliances to sit out front?
8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards
down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The
brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary
roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle
with a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous
Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning
is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many
cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the
shift?
10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate
of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that
has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country
singer?
Folly Fallout
To send an email to Fogie and try to
attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.
Regarding
"Family Seeks Easter Eggs Full of Cash"...
Hiding cash in Easter eggs? Guess that's one way to keep your
money safe. -Bea [According to the story, apparently
not.]
Sad to think that the money is gone. No one will turn it in.
-Zee, Huntington, WV [Chill... the money isn't "gone",
it just has a new home.]
This is why I like to crash Easter egg hunts and relieve the
little ones of their Easter baskets - never know what you're
gonna find in those eggs. -Capt. Sarcastic [Ahh... good times.]
Layme rhyme tyme... That should teach Grandma not to stash
cash in the egg as if it was hash. -the Court Jester [Because now she has turned to
ash, and someone else will have a bash with her cash.]
THIS IS NOT A TRAGEDY!
the daughter didn't know about it till she read dead mom's diary...
nobody knows for sure if grandma put ANY cash in them at all...
how much cash can you stuff into a plastic egg anyway...
the thrift shop personnel should have inspected the goods...
after all, there could have been a small aborted fetus in one
of them...
you never know what people will do to make a joke...
how hard is it to OPEN a plastic egg if you're on thrift shop
duty...
whoever bought the eggs would have bought the aborted fetus
too...
the money isn't LOST in the same sense as if it had been accidentally
incinerated...
easter is supposed to be about the resurrection of christ, not
finding money in plastic eggs...
the promise of eternal life isn't NEARLY enough for christians,
gimme my eggs fulla money...
most thrift shop shoppers are poorer and need the money more
than most thrift shop donors...
either it was the will of god, or there is no god, and in either
event, why should i care? -Marilyn [Oddly enough, in a sausage fingered
attempt at wresting control from the stingy old broad, someone
diddled her heart meds thus parting her from this mortal coil.
Unbeknownst to our culprit, the old girl in her dotage saw the
light and wanted the final joy of seeing her beloved family
members faces light up at the sight of plastic easter eggs jammed
chock full of thousand dollar bills, the results of having sold
off all of her holdings including that rambling old house she
had lived in these past 65 years. The easter eggs having been
donated (to the utter glee of some previously hapless schmuck,
so poor that he needed to buy reconstituted plastic Easter eggs),
the greedy family is left with Grandma's unliquidated remainders
-- a crumbling box of their own kindergarten-made Christmas
cards, and a selection of exquisitely crafted doilies. Key the
music Maestro: Wa wa wa waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...]
Damn foreigners! Who do they think they are coming over here
and beating up our kids? -Shane, Charlotte, NC [Somebody has to do it.]
The kid needed a beatdown! He got what his old man should've
given him during his formative years when he was becoming a
sassy little piece of crap. Perhaps he would have learned how
to behave in polite society. -Dustin, OH [Yeah! I say leave the kids alone
and beat the crap out of his mother and father!]
The bottom line here is that the kid, unless he is dumber than
a fence post got a really good lesson in life, "screw around,
lay around." -Warren [Thank you for your contribution
to the discussion; now, get back on your medication.]
Vilence just brings on more vilence. say after he hit this
kid, the kids parents aren't the best of parents and are also
fould mouth so the father attacks the ice cream guy shooting
him or whatever all over a freakying ice-cream and some curse
words. blks here the word n*** everyday some where so should
they all punch who ever says it (i personally think so) no they
and we can't. can u understand my point? -Mark, Portland, OR [Not even with a flashlight and
a translator for the dumbass impaired.]
Regarding
"Fogie's LARGE North American Tour"...
When will you be out on tour again and will you be near St.
Louis? -Marcia [I don't know... send me a pic
and I'll let ya know if St. Louis is on my to do list.]
It's bad enough reading the garbage you spew! Who would want
to pay money and actually have to watch you do it live? -Angelo,
Ronkonkoma, NY [Did you like the t-shirt your
wife bought for you at the show? You know, the one I autographed
on the chest while she was wearing it.]
So you finally showed your face in public! Are there any pics
floating around the net? -Callie [Yeppers. In fact, here are a
few that fans have sent to me...]
Fogie: You should have published your tour schedule so all
of your readers could finally get a chance to meet you! -Anna [Precisely.]
What could you possibly do that would want to make me pay to
see your stupid humor? Do you have an act where you beat up
a donkey or something? -Tara [Let's not bring your mother into
this.]
General
comments...
Fogie, did you see the picture of Laura Bush swearing in a
group of children as Junior Rangers? IT WAS PRICELESS!!! -Katy [Actually, it's the pre-teen division
of the Fuhrer's hand-picked Bushter Youth who are groomed to
become members of the Bushwaffe's elite SS trained to cram Herr
Bushmeister's Social Security plan down Americans' throats.]
What did you do, make a resolution to start making sense in
your email replies? Your latest comments have been right on
target. -Keith [Oh, crap. I'm starting to make
sense to the monkeys.]
I see ego starved Karl Rove added the title "Deputy White
House Chief of Staff for Policy" to his job description.
Will this guy ever get over himself? -Domi, Houston, TX [And so far, it hasn't seemed
to interfere with his duties as S.S. Chief, Senior Advisor to
the Gestapo, Deputy Propaganda Minister and Vice Air Marshal
in the Bushwaffe.]
so do ya ever get your mind out of the gutter? -Lisa [I have to have a common frame
of reference in order to communicate with you vermin.]
Although I'm not a fan of either, I have to give G. Dubbya
some credit for at least showing support for Tom Delay. Now,
we just need to get rid of them both! -Evelyn, Huntsville, AL [He even provided Tom with a rock
to ride under.]
Hey Fogie! Did you know that they are going to mint presidential
dollar coins commemorizing ALL of the past presidents? -Adam,
Carrollton, TX [The one honoring Bush will have
Al Gore on the flip side.]
Well, Fogie, you have made me sick long enough, you're a dimented
person who evidently has NO life outside your cubicle you call
a job! I believe if I had to treat people like dirt to get a
paycheck I'd surely be doing something else. Later tater -Glenda [I wish you would find something
else to do besides annoying me. Aren't there guys there in the
trailer park that you can give your attention to?]
Get a load of this Fogie -- Marvel comics is going to issue
a custom comic book featuring the marvel heroes to be distributed
free to US forces in Iraq! Surely they would like something
a little better to read. -Chuck, Florence, OR [The heroes comic will be followed
shortly thereafter with a more lighthearted view of the war
in "Archie Loses a Leg".]
I guess the Governator doesn't carry any pull outside of California...
Turkey has banned all of his movies to protest Ahnold declaring
a day of rememberance of the Armenian genocide during WWI! -Aaron,
Hesperia, CA [Except "Last Action Hero"
which was already banned for artistic reasons.]
Trivial
Tidbit
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute
for blood plasma.
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