Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!

We have a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and he has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust-challenged like myself. Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander.

A fast trip to the store led to the question, "Do you know the way to sand, Jose?"

Have a LARGE day, Folliers!

Retroly,

me

RONDOUT
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We're not just another joke list. We're the kinder, gentler, more intelligent joke list. (Kind of like those new fangled laxatives.... works when you need it.) Smile A While is a daily list of jokes and a voyeuristic look at the author and her family (no photos...) as they struggle past the speed bumps of Life. Give us a try. It's FREE. What have you got to lose except maybe your own sour outlook?

Smile A While is the #1 Clean Joke list on Fun-Lists.com. Can't be all bad.

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A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon, the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

"It'll never work, honey." he says to her. "Crabs walk sideways and we walk straight."

"Please," she begs her father. "Just meet him once. I know you'll like him."

Her father finally relents and agrees to a one-time meeting, and she runs off to share the good news with her crab sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's family. He practices and practices until he can finally walk straight!

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch, and seeing the crab walking towards him, the lobster dad yells to his daughter, "I knew it! Here comes that crab and he's drunk!"

"My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale."
      ~Rita Rudner

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LINDENWOLD, N.J. - Police made a surprising discovery when they busted the alleged madam of a prostitution ring called "August Playmates": The woman running the show was an 80-year-old grandmother.

Authorities arrested Vera Tursi last month during a sting operation to crack down on prostitution rings posing as legal escort services. Police say Tursi ran the business from her two-bedroom apartment, taking $60 of every $160 she charged clients for one hour with a call girl.

Law enforcement officials say Tursi admitted her role in the business, saying she took it over a few years ago from her daughter, who had died. Police say Tursi told them she needed money to subsidize her Social Security checks.

Her activities were discovered by police running an investigation called "Operation Risky Business" which cracked down on several escort services, leading to the arrest of 42 people and the seizure of more than $70,000. But undercover police first began to wonder about the age of their suspect when they called the escort service as part of their sting operation. They said she seemed to have difficulty breathing.

"You get a feel for how old someone is when you talk to them," State Police Detective Sgt. Thomas Cornely told The Sunday Star-Ledger of Newark. "She sounded like an 80-year-old woman."

Although police arrested Tursi when they came to her apartment May 2, they decided not to bring her to the police barracks because of her poor health. Tursi has been charged with a a single count of promoting prostitution. If convicted, she faces up to five years in prison. But because of her age and lack of a criminal record, she's more likely to receive probation, Cornely said.

[The oldest profession... literally.]

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

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Pull Fogie's Finger!

We have teamed up with Prank Place and GagsPlus to bring you the web's largest collection of outrageous pranks, practical jokes, gag gifts and funny novelties. Although they have several items in common, each also carries its own unique products. So, be sure to check out both! Today's featured item...

Golf Pranks & Trick Golf Balls

Most golfers take their game pretty seriously, but everyone needs to laugh every now and then. Have some fun on the greens and fairways with our hilarious lineup of golfing pranks and gags. From our trick golf balls to our funny golf games, we have everything you could want to have some laughs with the golfers in your life!

Click here to get yours or check out other fun stuff today!

Lead, FOLLY or get out of the way with Folly Fru-Fru!

Clothing, hats, mugs, mousepads, posters and more... some even have the soon-to-be-famous pic of Fogie himself. Now you can wish everyone a LARGE day!!! Today's featured item...

Fogie's LARGE North American Tour Fru-Fru

In case you missed Fogie while he was on tour or failed to get a shirt when you saw him live, now's your chance to get his official tour memorabilia. Choose from the tour logo image or the tour cities image (from Assawoman, VA to Weiner, AR) or select an item that has both!

Click here to get yours or check out our other Fru-Fru today!

A few years ago a refugee from Laos came to the US in one of the resettlement influxes. He had been an announcer in radio back in Laos, and he wanted to get into the same line of work here. The first thing he did was join AFTRA (American Federation of Television and Radio Announcers).

He tried to pursue a job, but of course, he had problems with the English language, being a new resident. In order to keep body and soul together while going to English classes, he took up barbering.

Soon, he became a very good barber, giving haircuts, stylings, and shaves. He seemed to be an artist with the straight razor. In fact, the shop where he worked made him specialize in giving shaves.

Thus, he became known as an AFTRA shave Laotian.

• She is not a "babe" or a "chick". She is a "Breasted American".
   
• She is not a "screamer". She is "Vocally Appreciative."
   
• She is not "easy". She is "Horizontally Accessible".
   
• She is not a "dumb blonde". She is a "Light-haired Detour Off the Information Superhighway".
   
• She has not "been around". She is a "Previously Enjoyed companion".
   
• She is not an "air head". She is "Reality Impaired".
   
• She does not get "drunk" or "tipsy". She gets "Chemically Inconvenienced".
   
• She does not have "breast implants". She is "Medically Enhanced."
   
• She does not "nag" you. She becomes "Verbally Repetitive".
   
• She is not a "tramp" - She is "Sexually Extroverted".
   
• She does not have "Major League Hooters". She Is "Pectorally Superior".
  
• She is not a "two-bit hooker". She is a "Low Cost Provider".

In our next issue: How To Speak About Men and be Politically Correct

[Thanks to Melinda, Knoxville, TN]

Home Run

Keep the drunk guy steady! The object of the game is to keep him walking, without falling over, by using your mouse from left to right or right to left - you can't see your mouse which makes it more difficult.

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/

To send an email to Fogie and try to attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.

Regarding "Ice Cream Vendor Punches Complaining Boy"...

My husband and I used to live in Milwaukee. They have a lot of alleys there. As it was we were working on our camper getting it ready for our first camping trip. There was an embankment in this alley right across from our garage. There were kids up there yelling at our two kids to come over and play with them. I said no, stay here with us. As we were working on the camper, one of the kids spit on my daughter's head. She came over crying and told us what happened. My husband demanded to know who did it. (There were about ten of them up there.) All the kids pointed to one kid. Jack demanded get your butt down here right now. The kid was terrified. There was no way this kid was going to escape Jack's wrath. Jack had just come home from the Air Force and had a very strong presence about him. (He was a boxer in the service.) The kid took off. Jack said hey you guys, I'll give a dollar to any kid that beat's the crap out of him. They all took off to catch him. When the 9 came back and said they had done what he asked and wanted their 1.00. Jack told them well because you all were laughing when he spit on my daughter, you can all come down and try to get it. They never messed with our two girls again. 2 days later we saw the guy and he was a mess. You gotta love this country. -Dolores
[Yeppers... Hot dogs, apple pie, baseball and vigilante justice.]

Regarding "For Now, Ore. Ex-Prostitutes Can't Teach"...

Oh, The Hypocrisy that is Oregon... if we only knew how many closet wife-beaters, child-molesters, drug users, alcoholics, and porn addicts ALREADY teach in Oregon! -Kevin, The Upstate, SC
[...or DO they know???]

Ex-prositiutes have a good heart and can teach children many good things and keep the bad things away from the kids. We should not hold it against them. I can understand the moral implications here clearly but these girls have had it really bad and now they want to turn their lives around and they do have good hearts and love children. I do not see how an ex-prostitute can mess up children because she is not going to teach them anything bad and her heart will protect the children from the bad stuff and show them good things that are holy and pure as well as educational. -Heath
[You seem to have a pretty good grasp on the hooker psyche there, Heath. Is that experience talking?]

Is this for male prostitutes also? -Amy, NY, NY
[Why, does your dad want to teach?]

Maybe it's just me, but did anybody else's mind flash to "The Scarlet Letter"? -Evelyn, Dayton, OH
[Nope, it was pretty much just you.]

What the hell, they let faggots teach. And personally, I think they represent a much greater risk for children then ex-prostitutes. Of course, if they are still involved in drug abuse or have a past conviction of drug use and/or sells then they shouldn't be allowed to teach. There must be a terrible shortage of teachers though if we are willing to scrape the bottom of the barrel for teachers who are supposed to set examples for our young. -Carol, a Southern Belle
[Ya know, the basic difference between an easy redneck chick and a southern belle is roughly one six-pack.]

Regarding "Canada suicide hotline to open only from 9 to 5"...

[You guys ran with this one...]

You forgot... "for assistance, stay on the line and Dr. Korvorkian will be right with you." -Soupman

"Your call will be answered by the next available operator... tomorrow." -Kenny

"If you want us to pick up your body before it gets too nasty please press five." -Lillian

"If you want to kill yourself, but cannot decide on a method, press 3 for a list of common suggestions now...." -Theresa

People who are serious about suicide don't go around yapping about it, but simply do it. Only people who desperately need attention and social interaction are those who call those hotlines. -Rose
[And others simply write to me.]

I think that it should be funded through an agency like United Way here in the states. We have a crisis hotline that is manned twenty four hours a day. I can tell you from working with the hot line that most of the suicide calls are in the middle of the night. -Vickey
[But how many of them are calls from just lonely people, heavy breathers, non-suicidal psycho's or guys who misdialed trying to reach 1-900-spankme?]

They should at least use a recording from a motivational speaker to make callers feel better about themselves. -Kenyon, WI
[Yeah, the enthusiastic voice on the other end offers encouragement like, "Just do it! You'll never know if you can do it unless you try! A real winner doesn't just TALK about doing something, he DOES it!"]

Phone sex line is better than the suicide line any day! -Delraygrrrl
[You may be on to something here. If the suicide hot line connects up to a phone sex line after 5 and on weekends that might keep someone from killing themselves. "Hi My name is Brandy/Brad how are you today? Suicidal? Ohhh I think that's sooooo hot! You're turning me on... tell me more about yourself..."]

General comments...

I just don't get it... if someone puts you down you harass them... if someone praises you then you still put them down. how should a person go about talking to you? -Heather
[The answer is simple, Heather... you shouldn't be talking to me at all.]

Fogie, it's not just the NBA, NFL and MLB that has prima donnas! You golfers can be just as bad... David Toms may be fined by the PGA for raising his middle finger at a fan! I thought you guys played a "gentleman's" game!!! -Kurt
[It's not the gesture that riled officials, but the fact that Dave lifted his finger off the shaft of his putter without having his palm at right angles to the ball -- a clear violation of Rule 121.6(b).]

Fogie you are so lazy. Why is this only an occasional mailing? Quit your day job and do this full time, I'll love you for it. Hurt me, hurt me! -Kristen
[Get a hold of yourself, schizo. I can't think for you all the time. Now give your rump ten good swats with a coat hanger. That should hold you.]

Once again OUR President has shown how much better a leader he is than the joke you dems had in the white house. Cities of one million people or more have seen a 5.4% decrease in violent crime since President Bush took office! -Marie
[Officials credit increased police presence, stiffer laws and getting Martha Stewart off the streets.]

Hi, have you got any good insults for ginger haired jerks? -Laura
[I might... if I knew what the hell "ginger haired" is. Chicks have three hair colors: blonde, brunette and red. Nobody except other chicks cares about the subtle variations.]

Get a load of this Fogie: In India they are predicting a good monsoon season and thus a good crop based on ancient Indian mythology regarding marriage between frogs! LOL!!! -Tony
[Who would have guessed they were even dating?]

For the last couple of issues I've responded to your newsletter wondering where the real Fogie is? The clown you've got replacing him seems to have a conscience and his missives contain some conservative viewpoints. I guess to the rest of the cretins out there that they really haven't noticed but I have. So will you confess what happened to the last guy doing this column? -BillyWilde
[Uhm... I think he's out with your mom.]

Fogie, my mother and stepfather have just recently split up and I hate him and don't want them to get back together. Do you have any suggestions to help keep him away? Thanks very much. -Natalie
[Yes, sleep with him and then tell your mother he molested you. Guaranteed to work. If you're unwilling to try that for moral reasons you can always send us nekkid pictures of yourself. It won't improve your situation, but it will certainly help us out (unless you're a real hippo in which case I urge you again to sleep with your step-dad).]

Zipcuffed

To be trapped in one's trousers by a faulty zipper.

Hit What You're Aiming At

This commercial for Double Wall golf clubs pits the ball picker against the duffers.

Just click here to go to the FREE Member's Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!

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