Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!

I recently had the honor of being the guest speaker at a meeting of a consortium promoting internet ventures and work-from-home businesses. After my lecture, the floor was opened up for questions and I thought I'd pass on to you, my loyal and faithful sheep, er, readers, some of the more insightful dialogue. Let's call it...

The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success!

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here's a list of suggestions:

• Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.
• Join every free banner exchange.
• Get your own free-for-all links page.
• Hire a bulk emailer.
• Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Have a LARGE day, Folliers!

Dotcomly,

me

We're not just another joke list. We're the kinder, gentler, more intelligent joke list. (Kind of like those new fangled laxatives.... works when you need it.) Smile A While is a daily list of jokes and a voyeuristic look at the author and her family (no photos...) as they struggle past the speed bumps of Life. Give us a try. It's FREE. What have you got to lose except maybe your own sour outlook?

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mombeau-subscribe@topica.com

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

"They are now reporting that the Grand Canyon is having a financial crisis. They say there might not be enough money to keep it going. How did the Grand Canyon make it this far?"
      ~Jay Leno

"What they put women through today when they're having a baby! They don't want to medicate them, as compared to previous generations. When my mom had me, she had so much medication, she didn't wake up till I was seven."
      ~Dennis Wolfberg

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PENTICTON, British Columbia - Baggage Handler, a nude statue that was removed from a turnaround at the marina after vandals hacked off its genitals, has a new home at a nearby winery.

Sculptor Michael Hermesh said he had gotten over the trauma of the attack and sold the statue to Red Rooster Winery in Naramata.

Red Rooster owners Beat and Prudence Maher said they were pleased to have the statue, which area residents have nicknamed "Frank."

The epoxy-impregnated plaster figure of a 6 1/2-foot suitcase-carrying man surrounded by luggage is now mounted in a courtyard overlooking Okanagan Lake but will be moved inside the winery, the Mahers said.

Trouble arose soon after Baggage Handler was installed in the downtown turnaround in this lakeside resort early this year. After distracted drivers narrowly avoided accidents, a plate was installed over the genitalia. Then it was removed because it drew attention to the groin area and looked silly.

Baggage Handler was removed in April after a series of attacks by vandals, including one in which the figure's penis was chopped off, the ankles were broken and the 24 suitcases knocked over.

The statue was supposed to remain in place until September.

[I wonder if they used a ball peenis hammer?]

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "Alright, children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

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A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; while his hobby was golf.

The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"

His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, "Four-fifty!"

• He does not have a "beer gut". He has developed a "Liquid Grain Storage Facility".
   
• He is not a "bad dancer". He is "Overly Caucasian".
   
• He does not "get lost all the time". He "investigates alternative destinations".
   
• He is not "balding". He is in "Follicle Regression".
   
• He is not a "cradle robber". He prefers "generationally differential relationships".
   
• He does not get "falling-down drunk". He becomes "Accidentally Horizontal".
   
• He does not act like a "total ass". He develops a case of "Rectal-Cranial Inversion".
   
• He is not a "Male Chauvinist Pig". He has "Swine Empathy".
   
• He is not afraid of "commitment". He is "relationship challenged".
   
• He is not "horny". He is "sexually focused".
   
• It's not his "crack" you see hanging out of his pants. It's "rear cleavage".

Confronting the demons of puberty through the medium of animation.

(For the boys)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/teens/lads/sexandlife/amiafreak/

(For the girls)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/teens/girls/sexloveandlife/amiafreak/

You guessed it, any and all are yours free for the asking courtesy of CraftELady!

Currently 19 lists to choose from!
Visit http://www.craftelady.com/craftelady_mailings.html to join!

To send an email to Fogie and try to attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.

Regarding Fogie's Folly,"Handyman Fogie", and Fogie's Follies in general...

Gee, Fogie! You've been reduced to bad puns! In that case:
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long," to which Reynoldo replied, "do you know the weight too, San Jose?" -Metal Man
[You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.]

What's wrong with me??? Fogie I love your column! You are soooooo funny! Please post more often! -
[There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.]

You are a bore, and a very dull one at that. Maybe you wouldn't be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if you weren't afflicted with mental retardation; if you weren't so grossly fat that you have to put your belt on with a boomerang, or if you didn't have a face like a boiled Octopus. No, come to think of it, you would. -Marcus
[OK, I'll play... You're a waste of time, space, air, flesh, and the rectum you were born from. Maybe I wouldn't be such a Jerk-In-The-Box if subscribers like you weren't intellectually outclassed by dead sheep, if you weren't so fat from all that cheap beer you spend your welfare payments on that your belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine, or if you didn't have a face that makes your dentist treat you by mail-order. No, come to think of it, I would.]

Your column is the world's greatest proof of reincarnation; no one could get that dumb in just one lifetime. Dullard, do yourself and everyone else a favor: disconnect your computer from the Internet. -Ron
[Have you ever noticed that whenever you sit behind your keyboard, some idiot starts typing?]

Damn, you are hella funny. -Ryan, Waterville, ME
[Very cognitive... I now understand why some species eat their young.]

Reading your column is less interesting than watching paint dry. If wit was spit, your mouth would be drier than a shallow well in an African heat wave. -Jennifer
[Why do you keep writing? Does your train of thought have a caboose? You are like a child's inflatable punching toy. You bop it, it springs back, you bop it again and you forget it ever existed. It slowly deflates in an unused corner, then one day you throw it away.]

Regarding "For Now, Ore. Ex-Prostitutes Can't Teach"...

Check this... a woman found guilty of prostitution can't get a teaching license but a government official who gets found guilty of a crime, does time can keep their pension. Please explain to me what is very wrong with this idea. I'm not defending her but really, politicians are the last people on earth I would go to for ethics. -Petey, NYC
[Your mother being the next-to-last?]

If prostitution is sex in exchange for money, suppport, gifts and/or sustenance, then most housewives would qualify. -Trey
[It's just as well you can type, for if you had to speak your mind, you'd be speechless. Generally, there is nothing wrong with having nothing worthwhile to say - unless you insist on saying it. Reading your post makes blindness a wonderful thing to look forward to. To quote Thomas Brackett Reed: "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."]

Headline writers, get your act together. It's MAY for permission. CAN is for ability. The headline should be: "For Now, Ore. Ex-Prostitutes May Not Teach." -Buffalo
[There's no way you're one of my regular subscribers. Clearly, you spend way too much time in darkened rooms in front of your seven-year-old computer turning a whiter shade of pale. Go outside once in a while and breathe, before your brain starts to rot from all that festering stagnation and cognitive dysfunction. Hmm... Perhaps you are a regular.]

Those that can not do, teach. -Wally, NYC
[...and apparently those that have done many, can't. (Sorry, Buffalo)]

IMAGINE BEING TAUGHT BY A HOOKER! -Florida Monkey
[All the time, dude... all the time.]

Regarding "Canada suicide hotline to open only from 9 to 5"...

I called the suicide hotline... They put me on hold! -Benny
[Did they play Van Halen's "Jump" while you were holding?]

Im fed up catering to the mentally ill! I am sick of hearing about my tax dollars helping nut-bags, weirdos, idiots, queers, perverts, sex offenders, pedophiles, lesbians and all of the mentally ill people out there. If you cant take care of yourself ask GOD for help! I wont take it anymore! -Scott
[No chance you'll get suicidal over it, is there?]

So who were the other 1350 callers? -Sumi
[Misdialers looking for pizza delivery, phone sex, or a combination of the two.]

I thought Canada was the end all -- great medicine, great medical care, no capitalism, no pollution, no crime. -Dave & Patty
[No military, no guts, no glory, no business being in North America.]

I knew Canadians were nice, but to actually hold off on their suicide until proper business hours? -Kenny
["How's it goin', eh? Listen, we're about to leave for the day, so could you, like, call back tomorrow?"
"Oh, no problem, I can wait. I got some old 1975 Stanley Cup videotapes I can watch till then, eh. Talk you ya later, ok?"]

General comments...

I just closely read what might happen if someone were to unsubscribe. That Osmond family reunion TV special is a horrible threat. I'll probably be up half the night with the shivers, (who are old friends of mine). -Emelesem
[I think that's just your medication mixed with the booze talking.]

Fogie, when I wrote in last time did I write that my name is Thelma? No. For the record your name is Fogie and my name is Thema not Thelma. Also, I am a looker. I would send you a pic but I bet you are one of those sick little freaks that would get off on telling your friends (if you have any) that I was your bitch or something. I love you, Fogie. -Thema
[Like I give a rat's butt what your name is. Leave me the alone... unless you're going to send that pic... and then only if you're nekkid and at least a C-cup.]

What kind of person are you? Wait sorry, you're not! You're just a pimple on the backside of society, you really need to be popped. -Kat
[Somebody's feeling a bit snippy.]

hey fogie, you luv all the attention you get, and dont deny it, i know your gonna tell me to get a life, or im a whore, whatever, im fine with that, but even the people that agree with you, you put down, hmmmm, i think you are inept at ever answering anything in depth, even though you bring up the issues, your afraid someone might see that, you have comments but no answers, and i'd bet my behind you wont even comment on this, and if you do, it will be and ignorant comment... -kimmer
[You could only bet your behind if someone wanted it in the first place. And I'll answer any intelligent question anyone puts to me... I noticed no evidence of such in your email.]

Fogie--Leno or Letterman? -John
[Cinemax.]

It's good to know that you're an equal opportunity insulter. I think you've covered everyone now... maybe not... haven't seen you verbally abuse the nerd herd for a while. -Julie
[Why, you looking for a little action?]

Twinch

The movement a dog makes with its head when it hears a high-pitched noise.

Floating Flying Dog

Watch the dog in the back seat float up as the pilot pulls the plane up then does a nose dive.

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