Fogie's Follies, Frolics & Funnies

Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go. -T.S. Eliot

July 29, 2005

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[Open at perforated edges.]

Fogie's Folly
Greetings, Laff Lovers!!! Mrs. Fogie and I were meeting Chet and Mrs. Chet for cocktails and dinner the other night. Time was running short for us to leave the house and make it on time, but I wanted to see the end of the golf tournament I was watching. Mrs. Fogie was pacing back and forth glancing at her watch for a while when she said, "Honey, are you ready yet?" Glancing up from the TV, I replied, "For crying out loud, honey, I've been telling you for the last half hour... I'll be ready in a minute!" Have a LARGE weekend, Folliers! Punctually, me

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

"What's the first thing a little girl wants when she gets a new bike? A basket -- she's prepared to shop. What's the first thing a boy wants on his bike? A bell or horn -- he's prepared for traffic.

"What's the first toy a little girl wants? A doll -- she's prepared to shop with friends. What's the first toy a little boy wants? A gun -- he's prepared for traffic."
~Jason Chase

"Then they gave me the slow class for six consecutive years. Not special, just slow. I used to think of them as stationary. They grouped them according to intelligence tests. At the low end they used to have categories called, in order, moron, imbecile and it would actually bottom out with idiot. This amused me because, conceivably you could have an imbecile working very hard to become a moron!"
~Dennis Wolfberg

"Scientists are now saying that obesity can be caused by viruses. I guess you have to eat a LOT of them!"
~Gregg Siegel

Peeping Tom Pulled From Outhouse Tank

ALBANY, N.H. - A 45-year-old man was arrested after a teenage girl found him staring at her from below an outhouse seat, police said. Police said they pulled Gary Moody, from Gardiner, Maine, from the waste tank under a log cabin outhouse on Monday.

"We had to decontaminate him," said Capt. Jon Hebert of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department, adding that firefighters hosed the man down before police handcuffed him. "We treated him as if he were hazardous material," Hebert said.

Moody was charged with criminal trespass. Hebert said he could face more charges.

Moody was freed on bail for an appearance in Northern Carroll County District Court in North Conway.

[I guess I can understand the guy's voyeuristic fetish, but, geez, what a crappy view.]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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The Hormone Warning

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS:What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate

Tell Me How

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Christian Pick-Up Lines Part 1

"Nice bible."
"Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11."
"The word says 'Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry.' How about dinner?"
"You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither."
"Do you want to come over and watch the Ten Commandments tonight?"
"Is it a sin that you stole my heart?"
"Nice bracelet (WWJD). What would Jesus date? I mean do."
"Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?"
"Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me."
"My friend told me to come and meet you, he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name."
"Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath."
"Excuse me, is this pew taken?"
"Haven't we prayed together before?"

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To send an email to Fogie and try to attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.

Regarding "Octogenarian Nabbed in Prostitution Ring"...

She is lucky. To be caught in NJ, if it had been here in the Bible belt the self righteous would demand she serve out her last years in a hole. They forget the teachings of Jesus and go in for all the hate prejudice and violence of the Old Testament. -John, Oklahoma City
[Yeah, I myself parted the crick I was a fishin' in jus' yesturdee... then I shoved me a blackee in and let them waters roll over'n 'im. At'll teach 'at tongue-speakin blackass yankee!]

This is why prostitution should be legal! Who's being hurt? The women are getting paid a LOT of money. The men are getting sex without a bunch of BS! What a backward Taliban country this is. -Ringer
[Maybe this 80-year-old "Huggy Bear" pimp was bitch-slappin' her hoes.]

What's really sick is that some of her customers had sex with her! -Tony, Nashville, TN
[And what... You want your money back?]

Wonder what 80-Y-O sex is like? -C. Jessup
[I'll ask Knox nest time he's out with your mother. (CEWL! I scored a double!)]

ANOTHER DEFEAT FOR LIBS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL YOUR OLD WHORES ARE GETTING LOCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!! -Al
[Meanwhile, yours are still running the country.]

What kind of loser would pay for sex from an old chick? -Lonnie
[Hey, Knox! Come here... I need your expertise for a minute. (Knox steps in) You don't pay a hooker for sex... you pay her to go away. Big difference.]

Regarding "Vandalized Nude Statue Moved to Winery"...

Artists deliberately create offensive art to draw attention to themselves, with the hope that the art WILL be defaced so they can play the "enlightened artist v. narrow-minded knee-jerk conservative" public. It is all so self-serving. -Devlin, Washington, DC
[Kinda like subscribers writing to me to get their 15kb of fame, no? Do you also think it would be OK to take a hammer to the "Pieta" since it depicts Jesus nude?]

I hardly deem a naked man offensive. These people need to lighten up! -Dragon, Chicago, IL
[You've obviously never seen Knox nekkid.]

Honestly, how many naked men do you usually see surrounded by luggage? And at a marina no less! -Cathy, Portland, OR
[Six.]

Liberal idiots do not get it. Liberals want to have Gay sex in the park while your children are at play. -Conservative Connie
[Whereas conservative religious leaders want to have gay sex with your children.]

If you don't go around pulling out your penis and don't care to look at other people's penises, that makes you unsophisticated? GET REAL!!! -Gurl Troll
[Well, that's not what makes YOU unsophisticated.]

Bad art equal to rape victims?? This guy obviously has delusions of grandeur and no respect for females. -Paula, Oak Hill, WV
[Why do you people keep bringing Knox into this?]

Give me a break! I cannot believe people still subscribe to the puritanical beliefs that nudity is shameful. What is shameful is people being embarrassed of what is sometimes the only natural part of them (Their body). Nudity is beautiful. Everyone is a product of God. By shaming its work you spit in its face. I can't believe people. -Allison
[I noticed that you didn't include any nekkid pics of yourself with your email.]

General comments...

You make fun of your own country and then have the gall to make fun of Canada! But don't worry, you won't have to live in Canada for two reasons... If you are like most Americans, you probably wouldn't know where to find it, and secondly we have particular criteria for new immigrants, and you likely don't qualify to even get in. -Ernest
[Just be thankful G. Dubbya doesn't really understand that you are there or he might mount an invasion. As it stands, I'm sure he thinks Canada is the 48th state or some such nonsense. DON'T ANGER OR INFORM THE CHIMP!]

It's useless talking common sense to these idiots. They're all toddlers in an adult world. If not, they have the mentality. All they're interested in is ticking people off and sex. Ignore them. If these are the people you're going to pander to in the future, then consider me unsubscribed now. -Loxlie
[Playing with daddy's computer again, eh?]

I have NEVER read anything written by you that was in ANY way of any intellectual value. But you are plentiful in the b.s., cruelty and crude departments. I have a sincere suggestion for you... did you ever consider getting a REAL life? What are you? Some kind of slimy, ugly, undesirable loser of which NO other human, especially women, would come within 20 feet? Or if it is not your homely looks, I am sure once you open your mouth all hope is lost. I am unsubscribing now but since it is your publication you will get the last word, certain to be something insidious I wager. -Sharon, Monroe, LA
[I'll consider letting you have the last word if you promise it will be your last.]

Fogie, I don't know who's the sickest, you for writing your stuff, or me for reading it. -Natural Goddess
[I admire your honesty, and so it pains me to inform you that it's you.]

Fogie - You're rather mean. -Amanda
[Correction, oh oblivious one, I'm very mean.]

Dearest Fogie, I want to thank you for your twisted sense of humor, wit and obvious intellect. Yours is THE BEST newsletter I've ever found. No, I don't have poor taste, yes, DO have a life! Keep it up! If you have any problem with that, just give me a call! Sincerely, -One Intelligent Blonde.
[There's no such thing, baby.]

Mr. Fogie, your subscribers clearly lack reading skills, they subscribe to an insult letter then they complain about you insulting them. They should subscribe to Joker Joe if they think your publication is too derogatory. -Matt
[Joker Joe? I whipped him like a scalded dog... Twice.]

Is it me or do the readers that reply to your letter seem to be getting dumber and dumber. I personally feel that if you don't have anything intelligent to say unless it's funny you need to shut the up. -Phil
[Case in point...]

Hey Fogie, What is a good comeback when someone calls you a wench? -Cowgirl
[For you? There's no good comeback, wench.]

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Pajangle

Condition of waking up with your pajamas turned 180 degrees.

Take Out Chinese Food Prank Call

Listen to this hilarious prank call between two Chinese food places at once. Very original, haven't heard one like this before.

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Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

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