The US government has a new web site, http://www.ready.gov/.
It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the
old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.
The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they
could mean anything! Here are a few of my interpretations:
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If
you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with
your shoulder.
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think
about a cool design for a new tattoo.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap,
water and at least one (1) armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal
with dead, dead eyes, run the hell away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have
a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy.
Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your
groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may
become sterile.
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that
you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember
to close the window. No one wants to see that.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on
the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms
akimbo until they stop.
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by
not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not
stop to look for it.
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding
from the hood.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection
against radiation.
Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack.
At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before
you die.
Well, Folliers, I hope we've properly prepared you for any impending
terrorist attack.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's 6:00 PM. Do you know what you are making for dinner?
Looking for a special recipe? Have recipes or tips you would
love to share? If so come join the LOHE Recipes E-Zine. Join
Scarlet 5 days a week as she shares with you some of the most
mouth watering recipes found on the web...You'll be glad you
did.
Subscribe e-mail: lawsofhumor_recipes-subscribe@topica.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Thanks
to Alyssa, Inkster, MI
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing
his wedding ring.
She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding
band?"
He replied, "It cuts off my circulation."
She answered back, "It's supposed to!"
Random
Thought
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the
ones that are someone else's fault.
Notable
Quotables
"I resent your insinuendos." ~Chicago Mayor Richard J.
Daley
"If you're being chased by
a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on
to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.
They're trained for that." ~Milton
Jones
"I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga
party dressed as a goat." ~Marcus
Brigstocke
Notorious
News
Austria
Museum Lets Naked People in Free
VIENNA, Austria - Vienna's prestigious Leopold Museum
is usually a pretty buttoned-down place, but on Friday,
some of the nudes in its marble galleries were for real.
Scores
of naked or scantily clad people wandered the museum,
lured by an offer of free entry to "The Naked Truth,"
a new exhibition of early 1900s erotic art, if they showed
up wearing just a swimsuit — or nothing at all.
With a midsummer heat wave sweeping much of Europe, pushing
temperatures into the mid-90s Fahrenheit in Vienna, the
normally staid museum decided that making the most of
its cool, climate-controlled space would be just the ticket
to spur interest in the show.
Peter Weinhaeupl, the Leopold's commercial director,
said the goal was twofold — help people beat the
heat while creating a mini-scandal reminiscent of the
way the artworks by Gustav Klimt, Egon Schiele, Oskar
Kokoschka and others shocked the public when they first
were unveiled a century ago. "We wanted to give people
a chance to cool off, and bring nakedness into the open,"
he said. "It's a bit of an experiment. Egon Schiele
was a young and wild person in his day. He'd want to be
here."
Most of those who showed up in little or no attire Friday
opted for swimsuits, but a few hardy souls dared to bare
more. Among them was Bettina Huth of Stuttgart, Germany,
who roamed the exhibition wearing only sandals and a black
bikini bottom. Although she used a program at one point
to shield herself from a phalanx of TV cameras, Huth,
52, said she didn't understand what all the fuss was about.
"I go into the steam bath every week, so I'm used
to being naked," she said. "I think there's
a double morality, especially in America. We lived in
California for two years, and I found it strange that
my children had to cover themselves up at the beach when
they were only 3 or 4 years old. That's ridiculous."
The 180 works on display at the Leopold through Aug.
22 include Klimt's "Nude Veritas," an 1899 painting
of a naked young woman with wildflowers in her hair, and
Schiele's "Two Female Friends," a 1915 rendition
of two nude women entangled in each other's arms. Max
Hollein, director of Frankfurt's Schirn Kunsthalle art
museum, likened the public uproar at the time to "the
visible outcry at the live transmission from last year's
Super Bowl when, for a few seconds, CBS broadcast shots
of the singer Janet Jackson's exposed nipple."
Elina Ranta, a fully clothed tourist from Finland who
checked out the art — and the audience — left
amused. "I thought, 'This is strange. How is this
possibly in a museum?'" Ranta said. "We've been
in many galleries and I've never seen people walking around
like this. In English, my name means 'beach'. That's pretty
funny under these circumstances, isn't it?"
[Uhmmm, no, Elina, it's
not. It would be funnier if "Elina Ranta" meant
"Don't sit on any of the chairs at the Leopold Museum
after they let a pile of nekkid people in".]
Thanks
to Amanda, Salem, MO
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I
just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines
up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the
Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest
of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh
by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his
office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to
inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more
tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in
again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private
McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send
him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok,
men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take
two steps forward. Not so fast, McGrath!"
Pull
Fogie's Finger!
We have teamed up with Prank
Place to bring you our unique collection of outrageous pranks,
practical jokes, and gag gifts. We are proud to offer the web's
largest collection of funny novelties, gag gifts, and pranks.
From Fart Machines to Bumper Stickers, we are the web's leading
retailer of fun! Today's featured item...
Abusive
Office Rubber Stamps
Tired of endless faxes, lame memo's and other annoying paperwork
cluttering up your desk? The next time your pompous boss or
pesky co-worker drops a memo on your desk, stamp it with one
of our 'abusive stamps'. Each stamp is 2.5" x 2",
rubber and wood, comes with 2" square red ink pad. 6 Different
stamps are available!
Click here
to get yours or check out other fun stuff today!
Lead,
FOLLY or get out of the way with
Folly Fru-Fru!
Clothing, hats, mugs, mousepads, posters and more... some even
have the soon-to-be-famous pic of Fogie himself. Now you can
wish everyone a LARGE
day!!! Today's featured item...
Official
Logo Fru-Fru
The official Fogie's Follies logo lets people know you're in
charge.... Or that you've completely lost control.
Click here
to get yours or check out our other Fru-Fru today!
Thanks
to Mike, Lancashire, England
A Chihuahua, a doberman and a bulldog are in a bar
having a drink when a great-looking female collie comes
up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese
in a sentence can have me."
So the doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the chihuahua says, "Liver alone... cheese
mine."
Lock &
Load Link
Strange
Buildings
America has its share
of strange or unusual buildings.
"Has anyone ever told you, your eyes are like
doves and your neck like the tower of David?"
"I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way."
"What's a nice Pentecostal girl like you doing
in a Conservative Baptist church like this?"
"What? Friends listen to Amazing Grace in the
dark."
"I just don't feel called to celibacy."
"I don't see it myself, but people tell me I
look like Michael W. Smith."
"What do you think Paul meant when he said, 'Greet
everyone with a holy kiss?'"
"You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul
of Mother Teresa." (DO NOT get this confused!)
"I'm pretty flexible, I don't think a woman should
be submissive on the first date.
"Before tonight, I never believed in predestination..."
"Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical."
"I hear there's going to be a love offering tonight."
And the #1 Christian pick up line is...
"Do you believe in the laying-on of hands?"
Folly Fallout
To send an email to Fogie and try to
attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.
Regarding
"Octogenarian Nabbed in Prostitution Ring"...
If Bush is allowed to dismantle Social Security, they'll be
even more grannies running escort services,starting up pyramid
schemes, and selling drugs on the street. -Bushwhacker [What do you have against American
capitalism?]
Prostitution is sick! Men should find their way to women's
hearts in order to get sex. It's not difficult as many men think,
just be yourself, be honest and you get what you want for free
through love and passion! -Laila [Hmm... You must be an ugly chick.]
We need Logan's Run... at 60 you have to go to carnival and
poof! -Sparky [Actually, it was 30 and it was
called Carousel. Also in that book/movie, you had a transport
chamber in your apartment that would beam people to you for
anonymous sex. Now THAT'S what these guys need!]
I think we can all agree on one thing... Nothing is funnier
than watching old people fall down stairs. -Ricky [Oh, I know! I'm always like "Come
on, gramps, team ain't got no more time outs..." Then I
like to go set puppies on fire.]
My wife ran a prostitution ring legally. Hell, I bet I paid
more for sex than $160 an hour. And it wasn't even all that
good. I gave her a house, car and she didn't have to work for
16 years and when we divorced she got $100,000. Do the math.
How much sex would that have bought at $160 a time. I'm never
getting married again that is for sure. -Walter, VA [And deny some other girl all
that charm, wit and personality of yours?]
God almighty that gramma from Golden Girls is ugly... I'd never
have sex with her. -Phish [Again you mean?]
Only repugs buy sex. -David [And the rest of you "normal"
pervs rent it?]
Only men are stupid enough to pay for sex. Why don't they just
get married and get free sex? -Pam, Louisville, KY [There are lots of great reasons
to get married. But getting married for the free sex is a lot
like buying a 747 for free peanuts.]
Regarding
"Vandalized Nude Statue Moved to Winery"...
I hate to break this to you, but Jesus isn't nude in Michelangelo's
Pieta. He has a cloth wrapped around his waist, covering his
groin. I think you'll have to try a new argument... http://www.artchive.com/artchive/m/michelangelo/pieta.jpg.
-Randy, Palo Alto, CA [No, I think you're subscribed
to the wrong ezine... there's no way any of my normal readers
would have known that.]
If the penis was no big deal, then the artist wouldn't have
put it there. But it was a big deal to this presumably homoerotic
artist who wanted it to be equally a big deal to other people.
-Gurl Troll [Did anyone else notice that she
used the word "penis", then used the word "big"
three times? Oh that Freud.]
General
comments...
You can't screw everybody everywhere but you can screw yourself.
:) -Dirty Slut [Apparently that's true 'cause
people tell me to every day.]
The Vatican can't take care of it's own but doesn't have a
problem pointing fingers at everybody else... The Vatican newspaper
never reports the church's own problems but strongly attacked
Canada's new gay-marriage law. -Rob, Manhattan, NY [Yeah, it was on its editorial
page located between the Personals ("Priests Seeking Altar
Boys") and the Want Ads ("Large corp seeks criminal
defense lawyers willing to work cheap").]
Should we bow down to you now? Or do we wait till you say bend
over, I want to diss on you like I have all the others in this
world. Take a Volume or get a rope! -Kitk [This email is written by something
so confused, it doesn't know whether to scratch its watch or
wind its ass. How about putting that into proper syntax, form,
and grammar so that I can at least understand what you are saying
before I dismiss it? I understand the first seven words in this
comment. The rest seems to be complete gibberish. So I'll answer
what I can figure out. Yes, now is an excellent time to bow
down to me.]
The Prez was welcoming the Indian Prime Minister as the U.S.
rejected a resolution to expand the U.N. Security Council to
include New Delhi. Talk about a BUSHwhack! -Carl [Seeking to soften the blow, G.
Dubbya did issue an executive order authorizing 1500 additional
7-Eleven franchises.]
Fogie you really are getting frustrated with these brainless
dummies arent you? I would be to. Some people in this world
just dont use enough of the 8% of the brain power they have
and cant contemplate anything more than insults and idiocy.
Dont let this bother you Fogie. I just couldnt fathm having
to answer to 100's of retards every day just to reply to their
petty insults but you do a hell of a job. -Love Amanda [The Anti-Moron™ software
on my PC went crazy when I opened your email. It's truly amazing
the way you never let an idea interrupt the flow of your typing.
Nice punctuation, by the way.]
Fogie: Did you hear that Wacko Jacko has considered having
his body frozen?!? WTF? -Hank, Pensacola, FL [Not to preserve it. He wants
to sell as a kid-friendly confection called "Pedo-Pops."]
Dear, Fogie. Why don't you take a few moments to break away
from that swollen ego of yours? I believe it has rotted your
brain. You are no more significant than the rest of human nature.
Don't think so highly of yourself. You are not a special entity,
just an ordinary man. Although, I still can't help but admire
your style. I just felt it was time for a reality check. Sincerely,
-Elisa. [I'm no more significant than
the rest of human nature? What the hell is that supposed to
mean? You people are really sucking today.]
Can you believe the guy that played Cooter on the Dukes of
Hazard called the movie "a sleazy insult" to the wholesome
tv show? Gimme a break... sounds like he's just jealous that
he isn't in it. -Gerald, Nashport, OH [Actually, I think he feels that
it fails to uphold the reve'noor-challenged, good-ol'-boy, hillbilly
morality so unflinchingly embraced by the TV series.]
Dear Fogie, I am going to try and be civil here, although although
I fear it will be an effort in futility. First, please stop
trying to impress us with your intellect and vocabulary. Secondly,
please read your Bible. Third and lastly, your proclamations
of being heterosexual just further prove to the world that you
are a latent fag. Love Ya Anyway. -Savannah, your reluctant
subscriber from the great state of Alabama [You know what they call a bi-sexual
in Alabama? A guy who likes to date cows and pigs. With all
the inbreeding going on down there it's no wonder you show up
at my cyber-doorstep for a dose of normality.]
RE: "I thought Canada was the end all -- great medicine,
great medical care, no capitalism, no pollution, no crime. -Dave
& Patty
[No military, no guts, no glory, no business being in North
America.]"
We are here because we beat you in a war. We burned your White
House to the ground. We rescued your staff at the American Embassy
in Iran when the Shah got booted out. We can go in every country
and be welcomed because we see people as individuals and show
them respect. We take the time to learn about our neighboring
countries, especially before we intend to insult and look down
on them. We usually let garbage like the first part above pass
over our heads like the ball of wind it is. Thank you, From
a PROUD Canadian. -Cute Sue [All that and you are a PROUD
Canadian, too?!? Man! That Spielberg is somethin' else!]
Trivial
Tidbit
About 1/3 of all Americans say they flush the toilet while
sitting.
Word Whimsy
Yardribbons
The unmowed patches of grass discovered after one has
put away the mower.
Maniacal
Media
Drunk
At The Office Party
Here is a quick demonstration on how to get fired in 1 minute.
We all talk about people, but you sure do feel dumb when you
get caught. Especially on camera...
Just click here
to go to the FREEMember's Area
for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other stuff!
The content of this web-site -- graphics, text
and other elements -- is made up of original material, items
submitted by readers and content considered, to the extent of
the publisher’s knowledge, to be in the public domain. The publisher
strives to give proper credit to the originator of all content
where known. If you believe this site contains material for
which you own the copyright and/or credit has not been duly
given to the originator, please contact the publisher at publisher@fogiesfollies.com.
Fogie's Follies® is a trademark of Folly
Publishing. All rights reserved.
Fogie's Follies® “R” and “NC17” versions
are not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Scores
of naked or scantily clad people wandered the museum,
lured by an offer of free entry to "The Naked Truth,"
a new exhibition of early 1900s erotic art, if they showed
up wearing just a swimsuit — or nothing at all.
With a midsummer heat wave sweeping much of Europe, pushing
temperatures into the mid-90s Fahrenheit in Vienna, the
normally staid museum decided that making the most of
its cool, climate-controlled space would be just the ticket
to spur interest in the show.
