Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!
I had really planned on resuming publishing tomorrow, but urgency
stepped in and demanded that an issue be addressed immediately
for the good of us all.
Tonight G. Dubbya gives his State of the Union address and
I didn't want you people wandering aimlessly amid the quagmire
of the Prez's euphemisms. To really understand the message,
it is important to understand how the Shrub uses the Republican
language. Thus, here is a guide for the G. Dubbya impaired to
reference while you watch. (You're welcome.)
ACTIVIST JUDGE, n. A judge who attempts to protect the rights
of minorities -- especially homosexuals -- against the tyranny
of the majority.
ALARMIST, n. Any respected scientist who understands the threat
of global warming.
ALLIES, n. Foreigners who do what Republicans tell them to
do.
ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES, n. New locations to drill for oil
and gas.
BALANCED, adj. 1. Favoring corporations (a more balanced approach
to the environment.); 2. Favoring conservatives (fair and balanced
reporting).
BI-PARTISANSHIP, n. When conservative Republicans work together
with moderate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.
CIVIL LIBERTIES, n. Unnecessary privileges that you aren't
afraid of losing unless you are a God-hating, baby-killing,
elitist liberal who loves Saddam Hussein more than your own
safety.
CLARIFY, v. Repeating the same lie over and over again.
CLASS WARFARE, n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.
CLEAN, adj. The word used to modify any aspect of the environment
Republican legislation allows corporations to pollute, poison,
or destroy.
CLIMATE CHANGE, n. Global warming, without that annoying suggestion
that something is wrong.
COALITION, n. One or more nations whose leaders have been duped,
pressured or bribed into supporting ill-conceived, unnecessary,
under-planned and/or illegal US military operations.
CONVICTION, n. Making decisions before getting the facts, and
refusing to change your mind afterward.
CULTURE OF LIFE, n. A reduction of reproductive freedoms.
DEATH TAX, n. A term invented by anti-tax zealots and referring
to a tax used to prevent the very wealthy from establishing
a dominating aristocracy in this country.
DEMOCRACY, n. My way or the highway.
DEMOCRATIC ALLY, n. Any democracy, monarchy, plutocracy, oligarchy
or dictatorship -- no matter how ruthless -- that verbally supports
American diplomatic and economic goals.
DEREGULATE, v. To pursue greed and exploitation.
DETAIN, v. Hold in a secret place without recourse to law and
treat in any manner one wishes.
ECONOMIC PROGRESS, n. 1. Recession; 2. Rising unemployment;
3. Minimum-wage freeze.
ECONOMIC RECOVERY, n. When three out of five software engineers
who lost their jobs to outsourcing are able to find part-time
work at Wal-Mart.
EDUCATION, n. The demand placed on financially strapped state
and local governments by the federal government requiring higher
standards and performance of all students with no federal assistance
to achieve that demand, unless you are wealthy enough to send
your child to a private school in which case you will receive
a tax credit voucher.
ELECTION FRAUD, n. Counting every vote.
FAIRER, adj. Regressive.
FAITH, n. The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican
moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to
the contrary.
FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE, n. Christian Right Payoff.
FAITH COMMUNITY, n. Evangelicals, because they are saved, and
hawkish conservative Jews, because they are useful. Israel is
the bait-on-the-hook just waiting for God to take that Rapturous
bite.
FAMILY VALUES, n. Oppression of women.
FISCAL CONSERVATIVE, n. A Republican who is in the minority.
FOX NEWS, n. White House Press Office.
FREEDOM, n. What Arabs want but can't achieve on their own
without Western military intervention. It bears a striking resemblance
to chaos.
GIRLY MEN, n. Those who do not grope women.
GROWTH, n. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. What
happens to the deficits when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.
HARD WORK, n. What Republicans say when they can't think of
anything better.
HEALTHY FORESTS, n. No tree left behind.
HONESTY, n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences: "Freedom
is on the march."
HUMBLE FOREIGN POLICY, n. The invasion of any sovereign nation
whose leadership Republicans don't like.
HUMBLED, adj. What a Republican says right after a close election
and right before he governs in an arrogant manner.
INSURGENT, n. Armed or unarmed, violent or non-violent Iraqi
on the receiving end of an American rocket blast or bullet spray,
regardless of age, gender or political affiliation.
JOB GROWTH, n. Increased number of jobs an individual has to
take after losing earlier high-paying job.
JUNK SCIENCE, n. Sound science.
MORAL VALUES, n. Hatred of homosexuals dressed up in Biblical
language.
MANDATE, n. What a Republican claims to possess when only 49
percent of the voting public loathes him instead of 51 percent.
THE MEDIA, n. Immoral elitist liberally-biased traitors who
should leave Republicans alone so they can complete God's work
on Earth in peace and quiet, behind closed doors.
MODERNIZE, v. To do away with, as in modernizing Social Security,
labor laws, etc.
NEOCONSERVATIVES, n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.
OBSTRUCTIONIST, n. Any elected representative who dares to
question Republican radicals on the issue of the day.
OFFICE OF FAITH-BASED INITIATIVES, n. Christian Right payoff.
OWNERSHIP SOCIETY, n. A society in which Republican donors
own the rest of us.
PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION, n. A non-medical term invented by anti-choice
zealots that refers to a broad class of abortion procedures;
employed as a first step in reversing Roe v. Wade.
PHILOSOPHY, n. Religion.
POLITICAL CAPITAL, n. What a Republican president receives
as a result of a razor-thin margin of victory in an election.
PRESS CONFERENCE, n. A rare event designed for the President
to brag about his prowess as a leader while simultaneously dodging
difficult questions.
PRIVATIZE, v. To steal the resources of the national community
and give them to private business.
REFORM, v. To eliminate, as in tort reform (to eliminate all
lawsuits against businesses and corporations) or Social Security
and Medicare reform (to eliminate these programs altogether).
REFORM, n. Rollback of New Deal reforms, laws, standards and
social protections.
RESOLUTE, adj. Pig-headed.
SIMPLIFY, tr. v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
SLAVE, n. A person without legal rights, e.g. a fetus.
SMALL BUSINESS OWNER, n. Rich person.
SOCIAL SECURITY REFORM, n. Leave no Wall Street broker behind.
STAYING THE COURSE, v. The act of being stubborn and unable
to admit glaring policy mistakes; being wrong and sticking with
the wrong idea regardless of the consequences.
STRICT CONSTRUCTIONIST, n. A judge with extremely conservative
beliefs, who interprets laws in a manner that fits his/rarely-her
own belief systems, while maintaining that this was the original
intent of the law.
SUPPORT THE MILITARY, v. To praise G. Dubbya when he sends
our young men and women off to die for no reason and without
proper body armor.
TAX REFORM, n. The shifting of the tax burden from unearned
income to earned income, or rather, from the wealthy elite to
the working class. See: Fair Tax, Flat Tax
TAX SIMPLIFICATION, n. A way to make it simpler for large US
corporations to export American jobs to avoid paying US taxes.
TORT REFORM, n. Corporate immunity and impunity.
UNITER, n. A Leader who brings together his followers by fomenting
hatred for anyone who disagrees with him.
VERY CLEAR, adj. Modifier used immediately before any preposterous
explanation or rationale.
Have a very LARGE
day, Folliers!
Interpretively,
me |
