President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research and the like. We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."

The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."

Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:

"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."

From Jon Stewart:

"Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

"America remaining obsessed, fascinated, appalled, by what is being called 'Dick Cheney Shot A Guy In The Face-Gate.'"

"How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have that person say, 'My bad'?"

"A mere five days after shooting a man in the face, Vice President Dick Cheney broke his silence about the incident by submitting to a no-holds-barred grilling at a public press conference. I'm just kidding. Actually, he sat down with Brit Hume on Fox News for not some much a grilling -- more of a teat suckle."

"Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development (heart attack), we're going to downgrade the condition of this story from 'Incredibly Hilarious' to 'Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad.'"

"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted -- it's just not worth it."

CIGARCLIPS

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Armed Cheney to Guard Ports
Shotgun-packing Veep Offers Solution to Port Controversy

Attempting to defuse the controversy over the decision to place the operation of several key American ports in the hands of a company based in Dubai, Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he would personally patrol those ports with a 28-gauge shotgun.

Calling himself “armed and dangerous,” the vice president used a White House press briefing to put potential evildoers at the nation’s ports on notice.

“If anyone tries any funny business at one of our nation’s ports, they’re going to have to answer to this!” he declared, brandishing his shotgun for the benefit of reporters.

Moments after Mr. Cheney pulled out the firearm, however, the room cleared, as skittish reporters ran for their lives.

“I have never been more terrified in my life than when Dick Cheney whipped out that gun,” said NBC’s White House correspondent David Gregory. “I was sure I was a goner.”

In his remarks to the press, the vice president said that he would be “vigilant and on alert” for any suspicious activities at the nation’s ports: “I’ll have one beer at lunch, but that’s it.”

While Mr. Cheney’s offer to patrol the nation’s ports seemed designed to silence critics of the controversial port deal, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) said he was “not satisfied” that a shotgun-wielding vice president could provide adequate security.

“Knowing Dick Cheney, if he takes aim at a terrorist he’ll wind up hitting a bird,” Sen. Biden said.

Elsewhere, the White House said today that it would issue its own report on the response to Hurricane Katrina, written by the author James Frey.

Thanks to The Borowitz Report
http://www.borowitzreport.com

So, Dick Cheney accidentally shot and wounded a hunting companion with a load of birdshot while on a quail-hunting trip in Texas.

And this has brought Americans together like never before. Red state and blue state alike, we're all thinking the same thing: "Dick, that was a lawyer. Why didn't you fire the second barrel?"

Administration Presses Novel Effort for Tort Reform
Cheney leads effort to attack lawyers

Kingsville, Texas -- Impatient with stalled efforts to close the courts to litigants, the Bush Administration literally fired the first shot in its ground-breaking "No Lawyer Left Standing" initiative.

Vice-President Cheney, hunting on a private lawyer ranch near Kingsville, Texas, bagged an impressive buck (Harry Whittington, UT Law '50).

Under the new program, hunters may take one white shoe in-house lawyer or three outside lawyers daily.

There is no limit for trial lawyers.

"We've just got to thin the herd," said the Vice-President.

"We've tried tort reform and caps on damages, but people are still suing." Cheney added, "It's easy and fun. In Texas, you can shoot in almost any direction and hit a lawyer."

Thanks to Groaners Digest
http://www.otherwhen.com/mailman/listinfo/groaners

[Depending on where you get your news, Vice President Dick Cheney:

a) has gone berserk and is gunning down people in Texas.

b) had a harmless little everyday mishap involving a loaded rifle and a careless friend.

Either way, we think readers should be prepared for the worst.]

Top 5 Signs the Bush Administration Wants to Kill You

5> You receive an official White House invitation to go hunting with Richard Clark, Paul O'Neil, Michael Moore, Saddam Hussein, Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Osama bin Laden and Dick Cheney.

4> During this week's special live episode of "24," you watch stunned as Jack Bauer creeps around outside your house.

3> You awaken to find the severed head of Hillary Clinton in your bed.

2> Your unit gets recalled for active duty in Iraq -- and man, the army sure has changed since you took part in the invasion of Normandy.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign the Bush Administration Wants to Kill You...

1> You've just been appointed the new ambassador to Kissyourassgoodbyeistan.

Thanks to The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com
Copyright 2006 by Chris White

Dick Cheney: "Hello, Texas Rangers, this is Dick Cheney... I just shot a lawyer!"

Texas Rangers: "Sorry, Mr Cheney, but this is the weekend. All state offices are closed. You won't be able to collect the bounty until Monday."

From Bill Maher:

"Dick Cheney said he felt terrible about shooting a 78-year-old man, but on the bright side, it did give him a great idea about how to fix Social Security."

"Not to worry, the man who was shot left the hospital today, and they said he was in good condition -- a little gamey, but still moist."

"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it. On FOX News he said the fault was his, he can't blame anybody else. Boy, it's amazing, the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when they are actually holding a smoking gun."

"There is a little discrepancy about what happened on this hunt, because Ann Armstrong, the woman who has this ranch, said there was no alcohol involved, and Dick Cheney said he had one beer. So apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his rifle, his story, or his daughter straight."

"What I don't understand about this whole thing is that the guy who got shot, this is his statement today, he said my family and I are deeply sorry (his face got in the way) for everything the vice president and his family had to go through this weekend. Wow, that is one loyal Republican. He also referred to the buckshot wound in his face as 1,000 points of light."

From Craig Ferguson:

"He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can use his other face. He'll be all right."

"You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it, it's going to be in the back.'"

"The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep."

"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the past."

From Jay Leno:

"I have to admit that I turned away from the Olympics yesterday. Fox had a more exciting sporting event on: Softball with Dick Cheney and Britt Hume."

"Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. I don't want to say Fox News was lenient, but the first question they asked was, 'Who do you like in American Idol?'"

"Here's my favorite part of this whole incident. After Cheney shot the guy, the police later showed up at the ranch where Cheney was staying and wanted to talk to him, but was told to come back the next morning. And that's what they did, they came back the next morning. Kev, that ever happen in the hood?"

"Over the weekend while on a hunting trip down in Texas, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a member of his hunting party. He apologized. In fact, he told Brit Hume that he was actually trying to hit Cindy Sheehan."

"Cheney now says he can't blame the shooting on the guy who got shot. He said we tried that for three days. It didn't work."

"Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today for failing to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick Cheney to give exact details. You know like, "How do you shoot someone and make it look like an accident?"

"Dick Cheney finally answered questions about the hunting accident on Fox News. You know, I think Fox News is a little biased. They called it 'Interview with a Marksman.'"

"In an interview on Fox News, Dick Cheney took full responsibility for shooting a fellow hunter. Then surprisingly, he broke down and admitted to killing two drifters in Flagstaff, Arizona in 1989."

"Cheney also admitted that he'd been drinking. He said he had one beer. Okay, it was a 40-ounce Colt .45, but just one."

"They were in a car, they drive along, they get out of the car, he shoots his friend in the face, then they get back in the car and they go hide for 18 hours. That’s not hunting ... that's an episode of 'The Sopranos'"

"See, this is why Republicans have to commit white collar crimes to steal money. They're just not good with guns, they don't know how to handle them."

"Today, President Bush says he is standing behind the vice president. Way behind him."

"You can't blame [Cheney]. Bush says you can spy on people without warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, 'Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few guys.'"

"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment."

"The rumor is that Cheney may have been drinking and he wanted to wait until he sobered up. So he may have been drinking and then he shot a guy. And you know what's really scary about all of this -- what if it turns out all this time Bush was the smart one?"

"The guy Cheney shot is a Texas lawyer. While he was lying there on the ground he actually handed himself his own business card."

"After Whittington had a heart attack, Cheney said, "You big baby. I get those all the time. Walk it off."

"Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."

"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'"

"When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney on the stretcher. No, the other guy!"

"Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"

"Yesterday Dick Cheney gave an interview with Fox News. Actually the interview did get off to a bad start when Brit Hume said, 'Mr. Vice President, I have some questions.' And Cheney said, 'Okay, shoot.'"

"Although it is beautiful here in California the weather back east has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."

Top Ten Surprises In The Dick Cheney Interview

10. Admitted he's the guy who popped a cap in Suge Knight

  9. Sentenced himself to a week at Gitmo

  8. He's engaged to Katie Holmes

  7. Revealed list of the next ten old guys he plans to shoot

  6. Pinned Brit Hume to the wall with a ninja throwing star

  5. Chalked the whole thing up to 'roid rage

  4. Spent most of the time talking about who's going to win "American Idol"

  3. His clumsy attempt to pin the entire thing on Michael Brown

  2. Claims it was all part of the plan to make Bush look smarter

  1. Stunning admission: "The gun was loaded and so was I"

Thanks to The Late Show with david Letterman
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/

Cheney Says Shooting of Fellow Hunter Based on Faulty Intelligence
Believed Shooting Victim Was Zawahiri, Veep Says

Vice President Dick Cheney revealed today that he shot a fellow hunter while on a quail hunting trip over the weekend because he believed the man was the fugitive terror mastermind Ayman al-Zawahiri.

Mr. Cheney acknowledged that the man he sprayed with pellets on Saturday was not al-Zawahiri but rather Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old millionaire lawyer from Austin, blaming the mix-up on “faulty intelligence.”

“I believed I had credible intelligence that al-Zawahiri had infiltrated my hunting party in disguise with the intent of spraying me with pellets,” Mr. Cheney told reporters. “Only after I shot Harry in the face and he shouted ‘Cheney, you bastard’ did I realize that this intelligence was faulty.”

Moments after Mr. Cheney’s assault on Mr. Whittington, Mr. al-Zawahiri appeared in a new videotape broadcast on al-Jazeera to announce that he was uninjured in the vice president’s attack because, in his words, “I was in Pakistan.”

An aide to the vice president said he believed that the American people would believe Mr. Cheney’s version of events, but added, “If he was going to shoot any of his cronies right now it’s a shame it wasn’t Jack Abramoff.”

At the White House, President George W. Bush defended his vice president’s shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the attack sent “a strong message to terrorists everywhere.”

“The message is, if Dick Cheney is willing to shoot an innocent American citizen at point-blank range, imagine what he’ll do to you,” Mr. Bush said.

Elsewhere, aviator Steve Fossett completed his three-day journey around the globe, setting a world record for wasting both time and money.

Thanks to The Borowitz Report
http://www.borowitzreport.com

President Bush asked Vice President Cheney
to take a ride with him and Cheney called 'Shotgun'!

Quail Hunting School

Your objective is to shoot 10 quail without hitting Harry once to earn your certificate!

Click here!

Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses

10. Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm

  9. Wanted to get the Iraq mess of the front page

  8. Not enough Jim Beam

  7. Trying to stop the spread of bird flu

  6. I love to shoot people

  5. Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter

  4. I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me

  3. Excuse? I hit him didn't I?

  2. Until Democrats approve Medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly

  1. Made bet with Gretzgy's wife

Thanks to The Late Show with david Letterman
http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/

Vice President

The person in charge of immoral and illegal activities.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

"He sat down for a one-on-one with Fox News. Very bold choice. Dick Cheney sitting down with Fox News is like Mrs. Butterworth sitting down with the Pancake Channel."

"Cheney says he feels terrible about what happened. The man he shot was his friend and if he could, he'd give him the central processing unit right out of his own heart to make up for it.

There was some talk that the vice president had been drinking before he went out to shoot and it turns out that was true. Cheney said he did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy."

"Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35 are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a husband."

"Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-president was misspelling the word potato?"

"Police are still investigating. They want to know why Cheney was unable to see the hunter at the time of the accident. And, they also want to know how Cheney wound up with his wallet."

"The administration has been getting a lot of criticism for how they handled the situation. First, they didn't tell the media for almost a full day after it happed. The White House press corps was furious. They expect to be told when the vice president shoots a 78-year-old man in the face."

"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter."

"The Vice President says that it was an accident. He claims the guy got in his line of fire, but the good news was he was delicious. Eat what you shoot!"

"This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson."

"The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that he wasn't killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to our troops."

"But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the devil.

"So in summary, the Vice President of the United States shot a 78-year-old man in the face. Congratulations Mister Vice President, you are now a Crip."

Cheney 'Still Waiting' for Iraqis to Apologize
Calls Invasion of Iraq 'The Worst Day of My Life'

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that the March 2003 invasion of Iraq was "the worst day of my life" and that he was "still waiting" for the Iraqi people to apologize for it.

Speaking to Brit Hume of the Fox News Channel, Mr. Cheney said that when the U.S. invaded Iraq he expected the troops to be greeted as liberators, and that when that did not happen "it was extremely hurtful to me personally."

"I would have thought that the Iraqi people would have made some sort of apology to me by now," the vice president said. "I'm still waiting for that apology, but I guess you could say that I'm not holding my breath."

Mr. Cheney added that he thought that Iraqi civilians who had been accidentally shot in the face owed him "a special apology."

"Accidents will and do happen," Mr. Cheney said. "But it's incumbent on the person who has been accidentally shot in the face to apologize for it."

Mr. Cheney said he would encourage the President of Iraq to name March 1 as "a national day of apology" when all Iraqis would offer gestures of contrition to the vice president.

In his concluding remarks, the vice president said that the day it became clear that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction was "the second worst day of my life."

"Saddam Hussein owes me an apology for not having WMD's," Mr. Cheney said. "It still hurts."

Elsewhere, Sunday was a day of redemption for the United States at the Winter Olympics as Bodie Miller won two gold medals for the U.S. drinking team.

Thanks to The Borowitz Report
http://www.borowitzreport.com

From David Letterman:

"I don't know what all the fuss is about, what's more American than shooting your buddy in the ass?"

"Happy Valentine's Day. Good news, good news today -- so far Dick Cheney has not shot anybody."

"Dick Cheney gave an interview to Fox News. Some are accusing Fox of giving softball questions. My answer to that is, 'Well, does a vice president shoot in the woods?'"

"Rumors are that the reason Dick Cheney didn't say anything about the hunting accident for about 24 hours was because he had been drinking. And I'm thinking, well jeez, he was probably drinking when we planned the invasion of Iraq."

"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan"

"This just in, earlier today, Dick and Lynne Cheney shot up a gas station."

"Everybody is in the Valentine's mood. For example, earlier today Dick Cheney shot his buddy in the ass with an arrow."

"The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice president try to kill again."

"If this story gets any bigger, pretty soon they're going to have to tell the president."

"It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq."

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney."

"But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied the guy's request for body armor."

"We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."

"The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."

[The following is a sampling of news story headlines related to Vice President Cheney's shooting accident:]

Kingsville Dispatch - "Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"

National Review Online - "Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable"

Dallas Morning News - "Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"

Austin Statesman - "Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"

Washington Post - "Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"

The Nation - "Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"

San Antonio Express/News - "Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"

Houston Chronicle - "Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"

Wyoming Tribune Eagle - "Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"

La Raza - "Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"

Vegan News - "Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"

NRA American Rifleman - "Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"

Come and listen to a story about a man named Dick,
A poor marksman with glasses kinda thick,
Then one day he was shooting at some quail,
When up popped a lawyer and let out a wail!

Attorney that is.
Buckshot barrister;
Texas Toast.

Well next thing you know
Ol' Dick's the butt of jokes,
Got folks rolling
And laughing coast-to-coast

An undisclosed location
Is the place you ought to be
Anywhere but standing
In front of Dick Cheney.

V. P., that is,
Hunting fool,
Shotgun scars.

[Thanks to Joe Heller, The Green Bay Press-Gazette]

The Top 10 Dick Cheney Huntin' Songs

10> Got to Get You Into My Sights

  9> I Put a Shell in You

  8> You've Shot a Friend

  7> Huntin', Shootin', Drinkin'

  6> Dude Looked Like a Birdie

  5> Gettin' Triggery Wid It

  4> I've Shot You Under Your Skin

  3> Harper Valley NRA

  2> The First Time Ever I Shot Your Face

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Dick Cheney Huntin' Song...

  1> (Don't Fear) the Veeper

Thanks to The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com
Copyright 2006 by Chris White

Cheney's Got a Gun

Cheney’s got a gun, a new scandal and a new tune... and everyone better run: animals, friends and Cindy Sheehan. Hum and laugh along with the new song (based on the Aerosmith classic Janie's Got a Gun) that takes a potshot at the Vice President and his latest scandal.

Special thanks to bobrivers.com & toonedin.com.

 
And...

Leno Shoots Back

Jay Leno scores an interview with Dick Cheney and asks the questions Brit Hume was afraid to ask.

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me