How
To Speak Hollywood
The only way for you to understand
exactly what Hollywood means when they discuss the latest epic,
or adaptation, or sequel, is to know their language. Use the
following guide responsibly when attempting to translate movie
news.
Hollywood: We have the option to make a movie
with this character.
Translation: We won't ever do it, but we'll
sue the pants off anyone else who tries to.
Hollywood: This movie is like [name of movie]
combined with [name of other movie].
Translation: You've seen them both, right?
You've seen them both, and liked them both, right? You'll go
see our movie because of that, right? Please?
Hollywood: It's not a remake, it's a re-imagining.
Translation: It's a remake.
Hollywood: It's not a remake, it's a re-imagining.
Translation: The first one had imagination.
Anybody know where to get some of that?
Hollywood: The script is in development.
Translation: We hired something called a "writer"
to work on it.
Hollywood: The script has been greenlighted.
Translation: Are you excited yet? Are you?
Huh? Because we want you all to be very, very, very, very, excited.
Hollywood: The movie is in turnaround.
Translation: All the copies of the script have
been shredded.
Hollywood: The actors improvised a lot of
the lines.
Translation: Why can't they just focus on the
horrible script?
Hollywood: We wanted an actor of a certain
stature for this role.
Translation: We wanted people to think that
famous people want to be on the show.
Hollywood: We love this character.
Translation: We love money.
Hollywood: Brad Pitt
Translation: Luke Perry
Hollywood: Harrison Ford
Translation: Mark Hamill
Hollywood: Ben Affleck
Translation: Ben Affleck
Hollywood: This movie is based on a popular
book.
Translation: At least, that's what we heard.
Hollywood: This movie is based on a popular
book.
Translation: Our movie will be based on pages
1, 2, 14, 226, and 392 of that book.
Hollywood: The book's author died.
Translation: Hot damn! He doesn't have any
kids, does he?
Hollywood: The actress has a no-nudity clause.
Translation: And yet we hire her anyway. What
the hell are we thinking?
Hollywood: The actress is OK with nudity.
Translation: The actress is OK with her body
double's nudity.
Hollywood: The actress was not paid extra
to do nudity.
Translation: We begged the actress on our hands
and knees to do nudity. And we paid her extra.
Hollywood: The nudity is tasteful.
Translation: It's NUDITY! WHOOOO-HOOOOO!
Hollywood: The nudity was important to the
script.
Translation: We toast the memory of whoever
came up with this incredible, incredible excuse.
Hollywood: Every screenwriter contributed
something to this movie.
Translation: One page each.
Hollywood: The actor wants a raise to come
back to the show.
Translation: His last movie bombed and it hurt
his feelings.
Hollywood: The actor doesn't want to come
back to the show.
Translation: After we offered him solid gold
bars! What the hell is his problem?
Hollywood: This movie is scary like The Exorcist.
Translation: This movie is scary like The Exorcist
2.
Hollywood: This isn't science fiction. This
is science eventuality.
Translation: The director's gunning for a Best
Director Oscar (hello, Mr. Spielberg!), and s/he knows that
skiffy films don't get Oscars for anything other than Costume
Design and Best Visual Effects.
Corrolary: We're trying to get this film written
up in scientific journals, Smithsonian and Natural History,
and any other publication a step up from Entertainment Weekly
and Cinescape. After all, those two magazines will rationalize
and justify the science in The Phantom Menace, for chrissakes.
Hollywood: It's not really a horror movie;
it's (action/suspense/T&A/coming-of-age)...
Translation: It's not really a horror movie.
It's a cobbled mess directed by a git whose sole experience
came from directing music videos for Blender Children, and starring
a gaggle of Dawson's Creek cast members, has-beens, wannabes,
castoffs, and sloppy seconds who couldn't act their way out
of a pay toilet. It's not really a horror movie, because horror
movies are supposed to be scary. |
