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| Fogie's
Follies, Frolics & Funnies |
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| Only
those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they
can go. -T.S. Eliot |
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[This issue
written before a live studio audience.]
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Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!
Been a while, eh?
Well, I'm not going to explain. I'm not gonna answer
your questions or respond to your emails about where I've been.
I owe you no explanation. I owe you no reason.
My private life is my own unless and until I decide to write
about it right here.
So, don't ask... don't plead... don't even look like you're
thinking about maybe possibly someday entertaining the consideration
of it crossing your minds.
I will simply give you this advice and leave it at that...
When traveling in Mexico, avoid these three things:
- ANY cantina serving "authentic homemade" tequila
- ANY cantina which has entertainment featuring a burro, and
- ANY court where the prosecutor and/or judge have the same
last name as the cantina owner where you found #1 & #2.
Have a very LARGE
day, Folliers!
El Diabloly,
me |
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Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together
and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them
said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for
the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young
man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached
them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field
events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80
miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's
ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United
States." |
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| 66% of Americans can't do basic math... that's almost
half. |
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"The artist formerly known as Prince' is getting
divorced. He was seen removing his belongings from the
house formerly known as his."
~Jay
Leno
"Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious
medical condition. He still thinks communism was a good
idea until he was being rushed to the hospital in a '55
Oldsmobile."
~Conan
O'Brien
"An Inconvenient Truth: 'There has never been a
better time for a movie about global warming set inside
an air-conditioned theater than right now."
~Jimmy
Kimmel |
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Indian Villagers
Worship Rocks After Meteor Shower
NEW DELHI - Villagers in western India have reportedly
begun worshipping rock fragments following a meteor shower.
Residents in Gujarat state's Kutch region have been hunting
for meteorite fragments after streaks of light were seen
over three heavily populated districts late Monday, the
Times of India daily said.
Witnesses said they heard a big thud Monday night while
others saw streaks of red and yellow light falling from
the sky, according to the paper.
Some villagers believe meteorites are the rocks that
Rama, hero of the Hindu epic Ramayana, used to build a
bridge to rescue his kidnapped wife.
Others say the rock fragments have special powers.
"My son picked up one such stone and developed rashes
on his hands. I believe these stones have been sent by
God," Hansa Bai, a villager who lives in Jamnagar
district, told the Times of India.
[So, we're outsourcing
meteors, now?] |
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President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day,
and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent
to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained
the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the
paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was
told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix
the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said
his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up,
he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop
to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that?
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: You're a day late. |
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Fogie's Finger!
We have teamed up with Prank
Place to bring you our unique collection of outrageous pranks,
practical jokes, and gag gifts. We are proud to offer the web's
largest collection of funny novelties, gag gifts, and pranks.
From Fart Machines to Bumper Stickers, we are the web's leading
retailer of fun! Today's featured item...
 The
Official Countdown Calendar for Despondent Democrats and Other
Thinking People
Our cathartic calendar will help you count down the months,
weeks and days until George W. Bush moves back to Crawford.
Rant at Dubya’s dubious decisions, wince at his words,
and chuckle through the waning days of the Bush League. This
must have wall accessory is 11 3/4" X 11 3/4" and
brimming with original artwork by five budding illustrators
from the California College of Arts and Crafts and two seasoned
cartoonists.
Click here to
get yours or check out other fun stuff today! |
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Lead,
FOLLY or get out of the way with
Folly Fru-Fru!
Clothing, hats, mugs, mousepads, posters and more... some even
have the soon-to-be-famous pic of Fogie himself. Now you can
wish everyone a LARGE
day!!! Today's featured item...
 Fogie's
LARGE North American Tour
Now's your chance to get Fogie's official tour memorabilia.
Choose from the tour logo image, the tour cities image (from
Assawoman, VA to Weiner, AR) or select an item that has both!
Click here
to get yours or check out our other Fru-Fru today! |
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A passenger flagged down a taxi, climbed in and gave
the driver an address. A couple minutes after they got
on their way the passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder
to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control
of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk,
and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the
driver said, "For Christ's sake don't ever do that
again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that
a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your
fault. You see, today is my first day as a cab driver,
for the last 15 years I was driving a hearse!" |
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Ask Grampa
Grumble
Grampa Grumble runs an interactive advice column where
he dishes out advice for people who have written in, asking
questions like, "My girlfriend has given me an ultimatum
- it's either my golf or her"; or, "I'm only
16 and I have to be in by 10pm, even though my friends
can stay out later than me." An interactive comedy
by Duane Huismann. You will need the Shockwave browser
plug-in to view this.
Click
here. |
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Man's
Errors and the Proportional Length of Time She Puts You
on Sexual Rations
- Giggling at her for getting misty at the end of a
chick flick. -4 days
- Using any expression other than making love to refer
to sex. -4 days
- Tone of voice that she doesn't like while talking
about her mother -5 days
- Actually saying no you don't want to go when she says.."It's
okay if you don't want to go". -6 days
- Shushing her during ESPN SportsCenter. -8 days.
- Not allowing her to watch Desperate Housewives because
there's a Three Stooges marathon on AMC. -3 days
- Bringing up the possibility of a threesome...
With her friend - 2 days
With her sister - 19 days
With her mom - 6 months
- Shrugging your shoulders and grunting when she asks
how the makeup she just spent 1 1/2 hours putting on
looks. -2 days
- Showing up 1/2 hour late because there was a really
cool police chase on TV. -3 days
- Not answering quickly or vehemently enough when she
asks you if you would ever cheat on you. -12 days
- Accusing her of having PMS:
when she doesn't -8 days
when she does -12 days
- Failing to be serious about a relationship quiz in
Cosmopolitan. -4 days
- Casually remarking that if she decided she wanted
a boob job you'd be willing to pay for it. -6 days
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To send an email to Fogie and try to
attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.
General
comments...
Fogie, For some ungodly reason I haven't been getting your
newsletter lately. At first I took it as a blessing but then
I actually started missing you. -Penny
[I know your life has been exceptionally
pathetic without me. You can relax now that I'm here to tell
you what to think again.]
Fogie, I'm so disappointed. First, you've changed from a somewhat
intelligent commentator of society to a griper of your readers.
I got used to it and accepted it, but then you let me down on
both accounts. You were neither offensive,
observant, or funny
in your column or your comments to your readers. Then you stopped
completely! -Jennifer
[How ironic... When I got those
nekkid pics of you I observed that they were quite
offensive and very funny.]
Yes, Fogie, once again you've come up short and left us waiting
for the issues you promised us LAST month! I miss the such perfectly
articulated 'low blows' you deliver - aim one at me and you
just might give me the satisfaction i deserve. And if ever our
paths should meet, I'll give you a toke and buy you a drink.
-lynn
[I'm ecstatic. Pardon me while
I get up and dance for sheer joy.]
I just wanted to know why your news letter only comes once
in a while. I find you hilarious and want more, but alas, I
can be patient and wait from week to week, but I have been waiting
since March now! -Lady Linda, Phoenix
[Sounds like my publishing schedule
and your sex life are quite similar.]
As a publisher you suck! Go screw yourself. This publication
of yours is a pathetic piece of crap wrapped around petty advertising
as a feeble attempt to stroke your own ego and make a few bucks.
Then you try to cover it all up by berating your readers to
keep their' interest. Remove me from your list and then stick
it up your butt. Please do not post my name, email or location;
I don't want every idiot and pervert on your list to start stalking
me. -Cindy M
[Don't worry, Cindy, nobody gives
a rat's butt who you are.]
What's up with your stupid Follies? There hasn't been a new
one since St. Patty's Day...? -Joey, Greenacres, FL
[I'm certain that what you meant
to ask was, "Dear Mr. Fogie, Why have I not been blessed
by your prophetic and intellectual commentary on the relevant
issues facing our society? While I appreciate some of the other
sections of your outstanding publication and consider it my
primary source of information regarding the world today, it
is your cerebral and sophisticated insight that propels me through
my pathetic existence."]
What are you doing and why aren't there new follies?? -Ginger,
Lynchburg, VA
[I'm looking at nekkid pics of
your mother.]
Hi, I signed up, I was told all is a go but I did not get anything
in my email box as I expected. What's wrong? Why? I am well
over 18. -Cookie
[Actually, Cookie, now that we
know you're over 18 we will deliver it to you personally.]
RE: "Have a very LARGE St. Patty's Day, Folliers!"
Thank you for your kind wishes, but since St Patrick was a male,
I enjoyed a pleasant St Paddy's Day... There never existed a
St Patty, since Patty is short for Patricia. -Patrick R.
[And "know-it-all rat loser
nah, nah, nah, na-na show off told you so" is short for
Patrick R.]
Just wanted to say it's good to have your newsletter again.
I really did miss your smartass comments and everything else.
Glad you're back! -Matthew (written Jan 31 '06)
[Matthew, either you jinxed us
or you're clairvoyant.] |
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| The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being
the book most often stolen from public libraries. |
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Traficulous
The condition that exists while driving, when you are
trying to pull out through an intersection where it is
clear to the right but not to the left, then it is clear
to the left but not the right then the same over and over
again. |
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|  Shooting
Granny
This octogenarian knows how to handle her automatic weapons,
so you'd better watch your "toodles".
Just click here
to go to the FREE
Member's
Area for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos
and other stuff! |
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Have a very LARGE
day, Folliers!!!
me |
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