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| Fogie's
Follies, Frolics & Funnies |
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| Only
those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they
can go. -T.S. Eliot |
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[This issue may be monitored for quality assurance.]
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Greetings, Laff Lovers!!!
Whenever I come home from playing golf, my seven-year-old daughter
always asks me excitedly, "Did you win, Daddy?"
I have explained to her time and time again that you're really
just playing against yourself.
Recently the fam was on vacation and I had gone out to play
a round. When I returned, the others were playing on the beach,
and they were close to tons of young kids and dozens of parents.
As I strolled toward them, at the top of her lungs, my daughter
yelled, "Hey Daddy! Were you just playing with yourself?"
We checked out that night.
Have a very LARGE
day, Folliers!
Sololy,
me |
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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying
his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed."
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms
out, "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone
in front of you and bash the head of the chief."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash
in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while
standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are
the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their
faces.
The voice booms out again, "Okay... NOW you're screwed!" |
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| I have CDO.
It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in alphabetical
order, like it should be. |
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"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb
diets, doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates
because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain
that cheers you up and fights depression. So the next
time you see a guy on a ledge, about to jump, throw him
a doughnut."
~Jay
Leno
"Ford is now coming out with personal computers
inside their vehicles. This is so Ford employees can look
for a job on the way to work."
~Conan
O'Brien
"Congratulations to the new Miss Universe. It's
Miss Puerto Rico. Is it just me or does it seem like the
winner is always from earth?"
~Dave
Letterman |
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Teen's Worm
Sales Squished by Conn. Town
CROMWELL, Conn. - For the last three summers, 13-year-old
Joey Cadieux has headed outside with his flashlight on
rainy nights to collect nightcrawlers from his yard. Purchased
by passing fishermen for $2.50 a dozen, the wriggling
worms brought him $7 to $10 in a good month, just enough
for bike trips to his favorite neighborhood pizza joint.
 But
when a town official recently objected to his stenciled
black-and-white "nite crawlers" yard sign, Joey's
business got the hook. The move has set off a flurry of
protests from residents of this suburban central Connecticut
town who have been calling and e-mailing officials to
stick up for the budding entrepreneur.
Joey, a quiet teen who starts high school in a few weeks,
is uncomfortable with the controversy and just wants to
start earning some pizza money again. "It's so weird,"
he said. "I only make a few bucks a month if I'm
lucky. I don't know why it's a big deal."
The brouhaha started in July when Al Diaz, a town Planning
and Zoning Commission member, mentioned during a meeting
that the sign did not conform with Cromwell's rules and
should come down. A town zoning officer sent a letter
last month ordering Joey's stepfather, August Reil, to
take down the sign and stop selling nightcrawlers.
"I actually laughed when I opened it. I couldn't
believe they were serious," Reil said. But they are.
If Joey's sign, now hidden from passing motorists, goes
back up, the family could face penalties for violating
town zoning rules.
"In a residential zone, if you want to put up a
business and work out of your home you really need a special
permit," Diaz told The Hartford Courant in a story
published Friday. "You come before the commission
and state your case... and then a decision is made. Chiropractors
do that, lawyers do that, doctors do that, and then you're
allowed to put up a sign."
However, in an interview with The Associated Press on
Friday, Diaz said that other town officials overreacted
to his inquiry and that he will ask the board to rescind
the order when it meets again in September. That would
let Joey sell the worms again, but if the sign is illegal,
he might have to find other ways to reach his audience.
"I had no idea there was a 13-year-old kid there,"
Diaz said. "I certainly don't want to put a kid out
of business. I never intended that at all." Meanwhile,
however, the ban remains in effect.
Reil could plead his case to the Zoning Board of Appeals,
but would have to pay a $130 filing fee — something
he refuses to do, both on cost and principle. "I
pay thousands and thousands of dollars in taxes, so why
should we have to pay to appeal something we didn't even
know we were doing wrong?" he asked Friday.
Cromwell First Selectman Paul Beaulieu, who has fielded
dozens of complaints from residents about the issue, is
among those who support Joey's right to sell worms. "I
would hope that reason would prevail, and that both lemonade
stands and nightcrawler signs are seen as part of summertime
traditions here in central Connecticut," Beaulieu
said. "I don't consider nightcrawler sales to be
a major operation. We're not talking General Motors here."
Town Planner Craig Minor said he would argue on Joey's
behalf if the issue comes before the town's zoning appeals
board. He believes the boy's endeavor is similar to a
farm stand, which doesn't require regulation, or activities
like holding barbecues or building tree houses that are
"customary and incidental to home ownership,"
he said.
While the issue is hashed out, the only clear winners
— Joey's inventory — are wriggling through
rich dirt in the family's basement, in a wooden box labeled
"Joe Worms."
[Makes some sense... I
can see how a lemonade stand and a bait stand would eventually
lead to sex, drugs and tattoos in the hood. It is the
natural order of the world.] |
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A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida
for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly
icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty
coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that
the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his
wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned,
the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to
open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis.
However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address,
and sent the e-mail without realizing his error.
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's
funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been
'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow
checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives
and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted
and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer
screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful
as mine was.
(P.S. Sure is hot down here!) |
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| Pull
Fogie's Finger!
We have teamed up with Prank
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A chief petty officer caught an AWOL sailor as he tried
to sneak aboard ship. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation,
the petty officer told him, "Sweep every link on
this anchor chain by morning, or it's the brig for you!"
The sailor picked up a broom, but before he could sweep,
a tern landed on the handle. The lad picked the tern off
and tossed it overboard.
The bird lit again on the broom handle, and was again
tossed away.
On and on, through the night, they went through the same
routine.
In the morning, when the petty officer inspected, he
found the chain still dirty. "What have you been
doing all night?" he demanded angrily.
"Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed
a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!" |
|
"Wolf
Blitzer" IS His Real Name
But other celebs changed theirs -- Natalie, Englebert,
Pink, Axl, Bono, it just seems wrong. Elvis never changed
the name his mama gave him!
Click
here! |
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Atlantis
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through Ancient Greece, Babylon, Carthage, Egypt, and
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of all time. Featuring 76 challenging levels, exciting
power-ups and more, Atlantis Quest is a journey of unforgettable
family fun.
Try
Atlantis Quest
(Not available for Mac OS) |
|
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The
Top 8 Web Acronyms We'd Like to See
8> IAARWIDLWMP: In an alternate reality where
I don't live with my parents.
7> ADHD: I'm sorry, what were you saying?
6> GGTBCOMFD: Gotta go -- the baby's choking
on my flash drive.
5> SIYW: Surprise! I'm your WIFE!
4> GGMHWTV: Gotta go, Mom's here with the vacuum.
3> LOTSMKPFGM: Logging off to sell my kid's
plasma for gas money.
2> AIIOMGSTV: "American Idol" is
on -- must go shoot television.
and Topfive.com's
Number 1 Web Acronym We'd Like to See...
1> MDSYMSCAMANHH2YHWALS: My dad saw your MySpace
comment about me and now he's headed to your house with
a loaded shotgun.
Thanks to The Top
5 List http://www.topfive.com
Copyright 2006 by Chris White |
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To send an email to Fogie and try to
attain your very own 15kb of fame in the Fallout, click here.
Regarding
"Fogie's Travel Tips"...
Sounds like you had an interesting time! -Cynthia
[If "by interesting"
you mean getting trashed and sick on homemade tequila, seeing
the most bizarre stage show in the history of mankind, and getting
an insider's view of the Mexican penal system, then yeah.]
Man! I SAW one of those shows once. It was CRAZY! -Mark, Los
Angeles, CA
[I assume by "saw" you
mean "starred in".]
Yeah, right. -Ginger, Lynchburg, VA
[Nice comeback. Ya sure trumped
me on that one.]
It must have been pretty bad for you to have been kept there
for so long. -Special Fem
[Yep... at least that's what the
cantina owner, witnesses, prosecutor and burro kept saying.
I'm sure it will all come to me in a flashback some day.]
Regarding
"Indian Villagers Worship Rocks After Meteor Shower"...
Al Gore invented meteors. -Cliff
[And India.]
Why would they have been red and yellow? -Andy
[That could probably be attributed to the curry in the atmosphere.]
Three sacred cows hit by debris! Film at 11. -Ducky
[And steaks at 11:30.]
That global warming thing did it! -Judy, Arcadia
[Nonsense! All knowing G. Dubbya
has said there is no global warming. Hence, there is no global
warming.]
General
comments...
Re: Fogie's Follies Flashback - November 1, 2001... Nov 1,
2001? Time warp? Fraud mail? -MZ
[The "flashback" part
still didn't give you a clue, eh? Thanks for setting aside this
special time to humiliate yourself on the internet.]
Fogie, I just read that sales for Viagra are way down. Is that
because you were unavailable for a while? -Bruce, Seneca Falls,
NY
[Nah... I guess all those old
guys finally figured out that sex with an old woman isn't worth
$20.]
Fogie, Great newsletter. It's good to know that somebody other
than me realizes that the only way to improve communication
with some people is to swing the Louisville Slugger harder and
aim for the crunchy bits. Keep up the good work! -Jeff
[I have no idea what psycho-boy
here is talking about. Why don't you keep your schizophrenia
to yourselves.]
Fogie, You were just a bit off-base in your reply to one of
your readers. A slut is a woman who will sleep with anyone.
A BIT** is a woman who will sleep with anyone but you. -David
[That joke was old when I used
it five years ago. Try stealing some fresher material.]
I love you, thanks for the archives! -Dolly
[Well, I hate you and thanks for
nothing.]
Yo Fogie, You seem to paint all Kalifornians with the same
brush. That just proves what a narrow minded bigot you really
are! Come and kick me in the face, if you've got the guts to
do it. Where you from anyway? Lameville? Of course you are--,
lame-O. -Arthur, from Kalifornia
[Yeah, Lameville. That's where
I'm from. Stay up all night thinking that one up, Arty?]
From: Rami
Subject: I think u really bring out the crap
First of alll nice website (NOOOTTT)
[Yeah, like I give a rat's butt
what you think.]
ur website is the only place a dumb retard would go (my exgirlfriend)
she showed me ur site and from then i agreed to the term (blondes
are dumb) even though she is great in bed
[Ever wonder why dumb retards
like your ex-girlfriend are attracted to you? Like attracts
like, perhaps.]
what i need to point out is that ur computer has more personality
than u and u have an IQ that can be easily compared to a village
idiot, ur material is old and dumb ,i,ve seen most of it on
other websites and ur grammar sucks .
[Um.......ok. While I don't argue
that I'm not the smartest man on the planet, I can tell you
from my personal experience that people who criticize others
on grammar while at the same time writing things such as "ur"
and "i,ve" probably have an IQ equivalent to that
of a squirrel. So you see, my bushy tailed friend, I may be
equal to a "village idiot" in your eyes, but your
cerebral abilities, sir, are floundering somewhere between those
of a sperm cell and a dung beetle.]
If i was to rate ur site i would rather spit on u then to do
that beacuse having use the internet to rate ur website or vote
for it somewhere would be a waste of Kilobytes u Moron !
[Almost like taking the time to
respond to you is a waste of brain cells. You amaze me! I didn't
think it was possible for one person to possess such a vast
reservoir of undiluted gibberish! Congratulations, I actually
feel stupider having conversed with you.]
And why would i be intrested to know that u answer ur own mail
isint it Normal to answer ur own mail u retard
[It is often difficult to answer
all the mail from a site as popular as the Follies... especially
ones such as the incomprehensible first grade crap that you've
eloquently displayed here]
remmember u are not a star u are a pathetic piece of garbage
who cant get a real JOB with a lame website
[I appreciate you deviating from
your regular 7:00 pm breast-feeding cycle to write me.]
and last but not least i would like to end this with a screw
u and have a nice day
[How thoughtful. The last time
I heard something that unoriginal was when your mom told me
I was the best sex she'd ever had.]
Rami, Dubai, UAE
[Ahhh, you're from the Middle
East. THAT would explain the anger in your letter. I can't say
that I blame you though. If I had to date a camel and shower
with sand, I would be pretty grouchy, too. It's just too bad
that idiots like you give the rest of my Arab subscribers a
bad name. I just talked to Allah and even HE told me that you're
an embarrassment to his name.]
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|  Universal
Photo Booth
This fake interactive photo booth set up at a Universal
Studios them park not only provides good pics, but some
great funny video as well! |
Just click here
to go to the FREE
Member's Area
for this and more hilarious audio clips, videos and other
stuff! |
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Have a very LARGE
day, Folliers!!!
me |
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