The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

And now it was question time...

"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter "M" and I pick up things.... What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a MOTHER!"

The little boy came home from his very first day of kindergarten. His mother was anxious to hear all about his big day at school, so she asked him, "What did you learn today?"

The youngster rolled his eyes and replied, "Not enough. I have to go back again tomorrow."

A Brooklyn teacher who was fired by her Catholic school for being pregnant and unmarried, is suing her ex-employers. Her attorneys say that these days, the school should have just been thankful that the father wasn't one of her students.
      ~Jake Novak

A southeast Louisiana school board dropped its plan to segregate two middle schools by sex. They decided it would be better to go back to the usual way of segregating by race.
      ~Jim Barach

"In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is, the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it."
      ~Billy Crystal

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
      ~Emo Philips

"The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy."
      ~Anonymous

The good news is that crime in America's high schools is down by 50% since 1995. The bad news is it's because most violent students are just too busy having sex with their teachers.
      ~Jake Novak

NCAA Mascot Decision Not Popular or Unexpected

The Methodist McMurry university in Texas seems to be the latest victim of the strange compulsion to avoid naming college sporting teams after anything Indian. They have long called their athletic teams "The Indians" but the NCAA has both banned that and now rejected an appeal against the ban.

McMurry University alumni, young and old, are clearly displeased at the NCAA's recent decision to turn down an appeal that would have allowed the school to continue using ''Indians'' and ''Lady Indians'' as the nickname for its varsity athletic teams. Their disappointment comes even as the United Methodist Church, the church with which McMurry is affiliated, reaffirmed in a statement its opposition to ''nicknames that demean and offend our Native American sisters and brothers.''

Keeping the Indians or Lady Indians nicknames could prevent McMurry athletes from competing in playoff games or championship meets, or hosting post-season competitions sanctioned by the NCAA, which administers athletics competition for more than 1,000 active member schools.

Still, McMurry Alumni Association president Robert Gillette, Jr., was among those who felt the NCAA would review the case the university had made and allow the nickname to remain. ''I'm disappointed,'' he said. ''Now, what remains is to move ahead and I'm confident that McMurry will respond in a well-chosen, well-thought-out manner,'' he said.

Gillette, executive director of the Abilene Library Consortium and an Abilene native, says that during his boyhood, the McMurry/Indians association provided him with his first introduction to Native American culture. ''Visiting Tipi Village, for instance, was always a great learning experience,'' he said of McMurry's annual Homecoming display.

Other graduates praised their university's treatment of Native American culture, and expressed surprise that the NCAA did not see it their way. ''I just wished the NCAA had looked more closely to the merits of the school's appeal,'' says First Financial Trust portfolio manager Chris Montoya, a 2000 McMurry graduate. ''I saw the appeal material McMurry sent and felt it made a very strong case.''

Montoya said he worries that some of the tradition that has made McMurry unique might be lost. ''I'm sorry that the decision went as it did,'' Montoya said, ''but I'd like to see us continue to have our Indian-related traditions.'' A native of Hamlin, he, too, remembers making his first visit to the campus Tipi Village as a kindergarten student. ''Forcing a school to get rid of its Indian mascot,'' he added, ''does nothing more than discriminate more against Indians.''

However the United Methodist Church continues to strongly encourage Methodist schools that use Native American nicknames to change them. The New Mexico Annual Conference of the UMC passed a non-binding resolution at its June 2004 meeting urging McMurry to drop ''Indians'' and ''Lady Indians.'' The resolution was introduced by an American Indian United Methodist minister. And the 2004 General Conference of the church's national body also passed a resolution opposing use of American Indian mascots by church-affiliated schools.

Bishop Max Whitfield, who oversees both the Northwest Texas and New Mexico areas of the United Methodist Church, reaffirmed that view Friday, saying he is ''confident that the McMurry Board of Trustees will make decisions based on those values.''

[Will this "Indian names" nonsense bubble ever burst? My son's college recently changed their mascot to the "Mocs", short for their original name of the "Moccasins". This crap has just gone too far when we have to be politically correct so as not to offend footwear.]

Dallas School Sued Over Racism Accusations

DALLAS — A Dallas public school "crossed the line" in trying to appeal to parents of white students, including the PTA president's idea to limit the number of Hispanics pictured in a brochure, attorneys argued today in a racial segregation lawsuit.

Latino parents at mostly Hispanic Preston Hollow Elementary School filed a federal lawsuit against principal Teresa Parker and the Dallas Independent School District in April. The suit alleges that Hispanic and black students were kept in English as a Second Language classes even when they tested out and that multiage courses with almost all white students were created.

"The defendants have crossed the line in this case with their attempts to segregate white children into separate classes, with their attempts to attract white students and ultimately with their attempts to halt white flight in violation of the law," David Hinojosa, a lawyer with the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund, said in opening arguments before a federal judge.

Marcos Ronquillo, attorney for Parker and the district, said Superintendent Michael Hinojosa will be among many witnesses testifying to the district's commitment to equality in education and excellence.

"The majority of Latino students are in need of the English as a Second Language programs," Ronquillo told the judge. "They are receiving an equal education opportunity that is appropriate to the children's needs."

Attorneys for the plaintiffs opened their case by presenting an e-mail they said was sent by the school's PTA president. The e-mail said only a few Hispanic students would be selected to appear in a brochure intended for residents of Preston Hollow, one of the city's more affluent neighborhoods. "The purpose of our brochure is to get more of our immediate neighborhood families that live in big expensive houses to reconsider those private tuitions and send their kids to us," the e-mail said, referring to students who attend private schools. "While our demographics lean much more Hispanic, we try not to focus on that in the brochure."

The school is about 66 percent Hispanic, 18 percent white and 14 percent black, Hinojosa said.

Parent Ana Gonzalez testified through a translator that she was "very upset" when a teacher showed her the e-mail. In brief cross-examination, Ronquillo questioning whether Gonzalez, who speaks limited English, understood everything in the e-mail.

[I'm not sure what I find most ironic about this story... Is it the fact that they are trying to create diversity by attracting the white kids? Or is it that the parents had to have translators to read the communications from the school and then to testify against the very education system trying to teach them the native language? God! I love this country.]

The Middle Wife

[By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher]

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

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Ways the Bible Would be Different if Written by College Students

• Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
   
• The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
   
• New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
   
• Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
   
• Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
   
• Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
   
• The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
   
• Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
   
• Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
   
• Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Top Ten Signs Your Kid's School Is Too Crowded

10. Kid comes home happy saying, "I got to ride inside the bus today!"

 9. Principal sends you a warning -- he's not skipping class enough

 8. Teacher needs a U-Haul to bring home the book reports

 7. Losing 60 to 70 kids on class trip is considered "successful"

 6. School play is "The Ten Commandments" and there are enough kids to play all 100,000 Hebrews

 5. Class photo taken using government weather satellite

 4. The teacher calls out, "Gus Van Rauschenbach" and 17 kids say, "Here"

 3. Last spring's school bake sale brought in one and a quarter million

 2. There's a waiting list to get your ass kicked by the school bully

 1. The kids actually outnumber the roaches.

Sex Education

The sermon on the mount.

Superman, the Student

It's not everyday that you get to see Clark Kent in your own classroom! This college prank is "super, man"!

Have a very LARGE day, Folliers!!!

me